Break the World
by Rihaku
Summary: Women forgive, but do not forget. Men forget, but do not forgive. Uzumaki Naruto can only forget so much. This Chapter: One week later, and a young Sarutobi. The Professor looks for a Demon to slay.
1. Push

Major Pairings: **NaruIno, SakuSasu, NaruSaku**

**Important Characters: Team Seven, Ino, Gaara, Kakuzu, Lee, Shikamaru, Kimimaro, Neji, Kakashi, the Sannin, Maito Gai, Sarutobi, Hanzou **

This fic will consist mostly of romance, intrigue, and action, because I find those interesting. Pairings probably won't be locked until the very end but every major pairing I mention will definitely have its share of moments.

I wrote this mainly out of frustration. I'm sick of epic fics with potential that get through exposition and then never go anywhere plot-wise, so this fic will move fast. I won't claim that my ideas are entirely original – I think I've absorbed too much writing for that – but I think I've managed a new spin here and there. I don't claim to know Japanese, and **I don't own Naruto**.

If you read fanfiction for a warm and fuzzy feeling, you've come to the right place. If that warm and fuzzy feeling happens to come from watching people bleed painfully into the ground, you've also come to the right place.

Oh, and by the way, this is an AU.

* * *

_"Before the Beginning of years,_  
_There came to the making of man,_  
_Time, with a gift of tears,_  
_Grief, with a cup that ran,_  
_Pleasure, with a pain of leaven,_  
_Summer, with flowers that fell,_  
_Remembrance, fallen from heaven,_  
_And Madness risen from hell,_  
_Strength, without hands to smite,_  
_Love, that endures for a breath,_  
_Night, the shadow of light,  
And Death, the shadow of life__."_

_---A. C. SWINBURNE_

* * *

By the third time, it was easy. He didn't much like stealing, but he didn't like starving, either. 

Fresh food was hard to come by in the Pit. In the old days – the ugly days before Kimimaro and Kage Bushin and missions - he used hang out near the disposal chutes, pleading for a scrap, a picking from Above.

The crowd was too big, though, and when they saw his marks they always mobbed him, their eyes crueler than their soft, weak fists and matchstick-thin elbows. Girls were worse, the worst, because they had nails.

One day he had decided to fight back, and it had ended with shrieks and snapping bones, with cold, empty faces and still, accusing eyes. He remembered thinking: _this isn't worth it, to eat other people's trash. _

There wasn't much dignity in robbery, either, and shinobi had dignity, if nothing else. He had never felt like a shinobi, though. There was brotherhood among the ninjas, but they extended none to him.

He threw himself to the side, careening into an alley, legs working like a bellows.

His lungs were on fire, but he could not stop running. Above, through the endless latticework of spires and clotheslines, the sky was a sullen gray, hissing as it released sheet upon sheet of rain. Intermittent thunderbolts smote the ground with detonation force, and the air cracked and reeked of ozone.

His hand came up, sweeping tawny golden hair out of his eyes. Moisture sluiced down his face, past the feral Caul marks, pattering from his chin onto the concrete below. Through the war drums of his heartbeat he heard footsteps pounding behind him, gaining.

He dared a glance back to his pursuers, five men and one baker sprinting towards him. Nausea overcame him, a dull white emptiness between his eyes. His stomach turned and twisted, hollow and pinching as it growled in hunger.

The world was an anarchy of wet and thunder and chaos. The heavens roiled and flashed, hurling the alley into sharp black shadows, and his breath caught and heaved as he stumbled forward, clutching a sodden package to his chest.

The first thing that struck him was a rock the size of his fist: poorly and feebly thrown, it glanced off his shoulder and clattered to the ground. He gave it no thought, because his vision was starting to sway. Before the thunder pealed again there was a second: a large metal pipe, brittle with rust, that shattered as it caught him in the back of the knee.

Naruto fell, twisting around to protect the package, absorbing the impact with his back. His coat ground against the concrete, friction burns rubbing his skin.

He pulled himself upright and sucked in huge, hungry breaths that seared his throat and tasted like fire. Now, he could not feel his own legs.

The rain fell harder.

Curtains of water eclipsed his vision. There was only a massive, roaring, seething ocean of a world, a sound like waves next to his ear, the thumping of his heart in his throat. Raindrops needled his back as he tottered forward on slick, tightly-laced combat boots.

He did not see the third one.

He didn't know how they could have sighted him when the rain was filling the roofs and overflowing, great cascades of brackish black water crashing down from five hundred feet above, surging and soaking and sweeping everything away. He collapsed as the cinderblock struck the back of his head and then there was only red, which faded to black.

_He remembered the Cauls. _

_His father had no name, no face, and no honor, for he had sired Naruto on a whore. Uzumaki Kushina could not work the last few months of her pregnancy, for no clients wanted a pregnant woman. Sometimes she hated her son for driving her into poverty, and sometimes she held him desperately because she had nothing else. _

_The Land of Fire was a metropolis that spanned hundreds of miles on every side, a city-state of over 750 million built on crimes and commerce. Colossal towers of curving wood and acrylic paint and shining steel rose hundreds of feet upwards, spiderwebbed by walkways and charka lifts, and ten million solar panels harnessed the light of the sun._

_It was an unimaginably massive human hive, teeming and stratified. On the highest tiers were the pleasure domes and crystal gardens of the nobility, those few shinobi clans blessed with Bloodline Limits. Below them lay a menagerie of specialists, professionals, commoners and chakra spinners, the refuse of lesser clans and the highest of merchant lords.  
_

_Far, far below was the human abattoir of the Pit. _

_Two things powered the Land of Fire. The first were its fields upon fields of solar arrays, bolted anywhere they could be fit. The second were its Cauls, sixteen thousand spread in a spiral throughout its streets. _

_In this world, Chakra was power, and there were no better tools for Chakra extraction than the Cauls. The kinjitsu that created them were a jealously hoarded secret, and even in the Land of Fire, very few knew how exactly they worked._

_Uzumaki Naruto was one of those few. He had spent two years of his life inside one. _

_The human body has eight inner gates that regulate Chakra production and expenditure. Opening even the first Gate multiplies a person's muscle strength and speed by five. Releasing the last grants power far beyond that of the mightiest shinobi, with lethal consequences. _

_Normally, people were not talented enough to open even the First. The Cauls forced a body to open all eight. Through a combination of advanced charka manipulation and constant mutation, beings trapped inside one could sustain such a state for nearly two years._

_The Land of Fire harvested enough energy per day to destroy the world twenty times over. _

_People didn't survive the Cauls. Most died within a month, blackened husks of broken, papery flesh that crumpled from the ejection tubes like ash after a fire. Naruto understood why._

_He remembered his mother, clutching him with painful fingers, remembered her face go slack as they launched a kunai into her breast, remembered their rough burlap gloves and bloodless eyes. _

_He had been thrust inside a circular obsidian tube. For a few moments, there was nothing, and then the air had begun to glow, red and orange, had begun to smell of burning meat and choking smoke. He had gagged, pounding at the walls, eyes watering. _

_He had been four. _

_After that, he could not move, because a snake of flame was undulating in his gut, seizing upwards in a frothing, unstoppable boil. It tore from his throat and covered his body and began to burn, and he had tried to scream, had really tried, but the agony was unspeakable, a thousand molten knives dragged over every inch of his body, his eyes lava crucibles, his veins sharp magma. _

_Force ripped through him and his body felt like a splitting dam, and above the harvesters hissed and below his skin began to blacken. First taste went, then touch, and finally vision, his eyes seeing only infinite, painful white. _

_There was no sleep, no respite, no outside. His world had been reduced to a single cauldron-hot point of brilliant pain and he had slammed unfeeling palms against his cell, sobbing and bleeding, howling and burning…_

_Two years. _

He awoke, shivering, teeth grinding against each other, and everywhere he felt grimy and wet and sick. The rain had stopped.

The package of bread lay on his right, ruined, ruptured by water from above. He tried to move his arms, but couldn't. Itchy knots of wire cut into his wrists, and he winced as a dull, throbbing headache overtook him.

"Look. He's come to."

They loomed above him, five very wet men and one very wet baker. He stared at them with sullen eyes and fought the knots again.

"Is he the one that survived the Cauls?"

"Looks like it. Demon freak ain't so tough now, is he?"

"Piece of shit. How'd this worm live when my mother only lasted twenty days?"

They jeered and spat. His breathing became faster, and he felt the charcoal stirring in his lungs, the taste of fire in the back of his mouth. He fought it down, eyes slammed shut, and clenched his jaw so hard he felt it would break.

_Don't lose it. They caught me. Let them do what they want. Nothing was worse than the Burn and nothing ever will be. _

The first kick sent him spiraling into the wall and he heaved up blood as two of his ribs broke.

_I'll live. I'll live. _

The baker pulled him up by his collar and raised a fist. His head was flung back, spittle flying and an iron tang in his mouth, and starbursts erupted behind his eyes. He slumped down, against the walls, breath hitching and slow.

_I'll live. _

They got impatient, and now they were thrashing him, throwing him against the bricks, grinding his face into the stagnant pools, kicks to the side, kicks to the head, fists to the gut, driving him into the ground, and his eyes began to mist as they kneed his solar plexus and shattered his arms and threw him across the alley, and then he heaved a sigh of relief because they were finally _done_.

One palm, facing down, to wench himself up- out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of steel.

They weren't done. Three had pulled out knives, and the baker a long, saw-toothed cleaver, and they were advancing.

_I'll live. _

He watched as the first jabbed three inches of shocking cold metal into his stomach, and he nearly choked on the pain.

_How far are they going to go? _

The second one lunged for his eye, aimed to bury the hilt in his socket and drive it into his brain, and Naruto lost it.

The Veil fell across his eyes and his hand came up, catching the blade, nails like starmetal shears, and his fingers tightened and the steel snapped.

When it was over, there were no bodies left. There was only ash that danced in the breeze.

He leaned against the wall and stared at sky and a small, cruel smile slipped across his features.

He had given in, and it had felt good.

---

The air smelled of rubbing alcohol and iron.

"Get her out of the triage, quickly! Kakuzu-shishou needs to see this one." Around her, the room buzzed, filled with scurrying feet and swishing plastic and the insistent beeping of charka monitors. The woman before her was a ruin of broken bones and warped flesh: far beyond her ability to treat. Quickly, she was wheeled away.

The kunoichi shivered, charka stitches cold against her fingertips. This next one, thankfully, only had a compound fracture in her left shin.

Sakura Haruno glanced jadedly at the broken leg. "Jeez, what did you do to yourself?"

Swiping bloody fingers through petal hair, she placed two fingers against the injury, gently probing the wound.

Medical chakra shrouded her palms, and she passed them slowly over the woman's wounds. Her unconscious patient stirred and groaned, sweat-flecked hair tossing side-to-side.

Life as the apprentice of Kakuzu, Master Surgeon, was neither glamorous nor pretty nor fun. Every day, though, Sakura counted her blessings. The Harunos were a mid-tier clan, exceedingly small, and didn't possess any secret techniques. They were lower than the professional clans, like the Akimichi and Aburame, and were little more than worms to the nobility.

Kakuzu, however, consorted with the highest levels of shinobi society, even if he was pathetically stingy and lived far below his means. If she rose to his level, she would be the equal of a Sannin - possibly greater. That was why her parents had pinned all their hopes on her, had scrabbled together ten years of savings to pay the registration fee for his entrance exam.

Really, she was lucky to be this high up, setting bones and healing cuts and drawing poisons. Without her superior charka control and innate talents, she would never have survived the brutal selection exam that her shishou gave only once every four years. She shuddered, pushing the memory away.

Now that she was two years into training, though, she wished for exams as easy as the first. She was tested every hour of every day by the constant influx of patients that the Master Surgeon received.

The woman's head lolled over and loosed a grateful sigh as her bones melded together, and Sakura slumped over with a pert half-smile. Unfortunately, most patients lost their gratitude once they saw her shishou's prices.

Around her, the operating room was still, and she exhaled loudly, leaning against a wall-length mirror. She looked down with mild revulsion. She wore black, silken wrappings from just over her cleavage to halfway down her thighs. Over them were a short red top and identically colored skirt. Now, of course, the whole ensemble was splattered with drying blood.

_Why does shishou always send our medical frocks to the _cheap _cleaners? _

Sakura was miserably poor, as she had a miser of a sensei who barely paid her enough to eat. Her poverty was compounded by the fact that the fighting style he was teaching her required copious amounts of charka-infused silk – He had, of course, refused to pay for any of it.

It was too quiet. She looked around, confused. No more…patients?

"Ahem."

Inside, Sakura screamed. She turned around and caught the cyanide eyes of her teacher.

"Yes, Kakuzu-shishou?"

"Sakura, I've closed the operating rooms for now. There's a…special patient here. You may, um, take a break. With pay."

_He did not just say that.  
_

She nodded, dumbstruck. "What?"

Reluctantly he placed a hand inside his coat and drew out a stack of bills. "Here. Go do something. Don't come back for at least four hours."

_Kami, I always believed in you. _

"Hai!" Beaming, she accepted the money and began to head toward her room. _Now just to change out of these things…_

"Sakura."

"Sensei?"

"Leave _now_." He made a shooing motion with his hands. "You've got enough money there to buy food and new clothes." At this, he looked slightly pained.

_What? He expects me to be seen in PUBLIC wearing these things? They'll think I'm a murderer or something!_

She swiveled around and made a beeline for the door, knowing it was pointless to argue. _If he thinks he's getting anything back in change, he's got another thing coming... _

The sun bit into her eyes as she stalked out of the clinic – how long had it been since she'd been outside? The breeze picked up, and everything around her was slightly damp, suffused with the smell of rain. _Too long. _

She stretched her arms, lips curving upwards as she flexed tired muscles. Humming quietly, she began to pace down the walkway.

The streets outside Kakuzu's clinic were beautiful, lined by cheerfully-painted shops and residences. Here, three hundred feet above the ground, the sun's heat was diffused by high-altitude winds, so it was always slightly cool. The sun was pristine and the crowds were friendly and the view, as always, was gorgeous. Sighing contentedly she leaned against a railing, looking up towards the spires of glass where, one day, she would reside.

After a while her neck started to hurt, so she turned towards a clothing store and idled for a blissful hour spending her master's money.

Sakura visited a spa, two more clothing stores, and the laundromat, and her healthy pile of bills was reduced to a few hundred ryou. Her stomach was beginning to rumble, so she began looking for a food stand.

Kakuzu never treated her to dinner, so she wasn't really sure where the restaurants were. Fifteen minutes of aimless wandering later, all thought of food fled her mind.

The explosion struck with a _thump! _that sucked in her eardrums and then the shockwaves barreled into her, fired her backwards. She gasped, sandals skidding on wood, and dropped her bags of clothes. They tumbled away, off the banister and into free-fall, pink and white and red flapping, twirling through the blue…

Her reflexes kicked in, adrenaline surging across her veins, and she pistoned her legs, forced chakra through her feet to steady herself. Kunoichi eyes picked out two figures, darting in the smoke, hazy as spitting steam as they circled each other like hunting birds.

The one on the left was blond, and he moved with sinuous, feline speed, claw-strikes like paint slashed on canvas, all liquid and power, a golden riptide. He blurred like a smear of watercolors, pouncing with lion force.

The other was masked, a tall, jerky, angular man of wiry muscles wielding an enormous zanbato. He was dressed in dapper colors, moss and mist and dirt, and he caught the charge on the flat of his sword, eyes sneering. With deft, snapping movements he forced his opponent back, blade coming high, falling…

There was a sound like a knife through soggy tissue, and she screamed as the massive cleaver caught the blonde on the shoulder and sheared through two feet of flesh. Blood sprayed over the spectators and now she was glad she hadn't eaten because her head was between her knees and she was gagging, breath heavy and fast.

It was one thing to treat injuries already inflicted. It was quite another to witness the butchery firsthand.

She fought down the reflex and forced her head back up, but it was already over.

With six inches of sword protruding from his back, the blonde raised a hand and – were those _claws? _– casually pawed his foe's face off. The massive weapon slid out of his body and clanged against the street, and people were beginning to close in now, like hapless moths, swarming the site of the carnage.

Medic instincts kicked in and she hop-stumbled forward, pushing the bystanders away, unwrapping the bandages around her arm, though it really was hopeless, hopeless, he had lost too much blood, there was really no way he could still be standing.

Now that Sakura had made her way closer, she got a clearer view of him: he looked almost her age. She was careless, fixated on saving the boy. She hadn't noticed the subtle twitching in the faceless man's arms, the blind fury in his remaining eye. She didn't see the blade as it arced around for one final slice, didn't even see that she had placed herself square in its path.

There was a breeze and then the blond was beside her, fall of golden hair tickling her nose, and she sneezed once before she saw that the murderous edge had bitten deep into the shinobi's other arm. Before she could react, he emitted a low, humming growl and soccer kicked the swordsman in the head. There was a _crack! _like splitting wood and the sword slipped from the man's lifeless grip and she could breathe again.

His head turned to look at her. She saw predator eyes: deep, furious, the color of blood against the moon, and now she couldn't move, couldn't lift a finger- was she blushing?

She was sure she'd seen him before…blonde hair, red eyes, six talon scars on his cheeks…

They recognized him before she did and, as one, the mob surged over and plucked her from her spot. They pushed the Demon from the Cauls over the edge of the walkway before he turned on them and slaughtered them all.

When Sakura went back to the clinic that night, she ignored Kakuzu's irate whining, forgot to take off her (freshly bloodstained) clothes, and fell promptly into bed.

* * *

"Kimimaro! Kimimaro!" 

Rustling, steel banging against plaster. White flecks rained down on his hair, and he shook them free.

"Oy! Kimimaro, where'd you go?"

The room was small, clumsily painted white-green walls, iron gridwork against light-flooded windows. There were a few tables scattered around it, and a slew of posters pasted on the walls. It smelled slightly of mildew, slightly of tea, and heavily of ramen.

Naruto grumbled to himself, turning around to lock the door. "Where _is _he?"

A shuffling noise, cloth across skin. When Naruto turned around, he saw his grey-clothed roommate standing in the doorframe to the kitchen, one arm raised against the wall.

Kaguya Kimimaro's carmine-lined eyes widened, then narrowed. "Naruto, you're nearly sixteen hours late- Kami, what happened?"

The boy in question was splattered with ochre blots of dried blood, crusted crimson staining his huge mane of waist-length hair, splotches of it all over his vibrant orange overcoat and black t-shirt. His hands up to his forearms with drenched in the stuff, and deep red crescents had gotten under his fingernails. His clothes were torn, a long gash running vertical down his chest.

That didn't bother Kimimaro so much. He had seen his fair share of slaughter in nineteen years. He hadn't, however, seen a Naruto with red eyes before, hadn't seen the Caul-marks so present and savage against his face, hadn't seen saber-like canines elongated and framing a hungry grin.

A shrug. "I'm not going to run anymore. I killed Zabuza."

Naruto had stopped grinning, was looking him straight in the eye.

_Momichi Zabuza? _That was too much. The worst part was, Kimimaro didn't doubt it for a second.

"Naruto, Zabuza's the Jounin-oyabun (Boss) of this sector. Do you have any idea-"

"Yes. It's just the beginning. Kimimaro, we're going to bring this city to its knees."

This wasn't like Naruto. Had he finally snapped? If so...

"Six men tried to kill me. They weren't the first. This city has wanted me dead since the moment I broke free. I'm not supposed to be alive.

"I'm tired of smiling at those who hate me. I'm tired of begging for scraps of missions. I'm tired of the stares, the spitting, the way we never get service in tea-houses. I'm tired of hiding. But you know what I'm most tired of? Just _taking _it all with a stupid grin on my face! I survived the _Cauls _for _this_?

"Why do we let them do this to us, Kimimaro? Anything is better than this. For the last ten years, this city has made war on us. It's time to fight back."

Inside, Kimimaro allowed himself a smile. The boy was on the right track. Just a little more prodding...

"What are you talking about, Naruto?"

"I'm talking about our lives, and how they suck!" Veins bundled and twisted across the back of the blonde's hand and five tarnished silver claws grew from his fingers.

"Look at this! My hand. We don't have to put up with people that get in our way. That's not the way the Pit works! If we want a right, we take it. And we can. We're strong enough."

The Kaguya turned and stepped into the kitchen. "Have a seat, Naruto."

Naruto sighed as the chair scraped across the linoleum. He opened his mouth to speak, but the older man cut him off.

"Your choices are your own, but if you want to do this you must be sure. I can see why you're frustrated with the shinobi around here – you get only the most difficult of the lowest-paying missions. But-"

"And that's not all! Kimimaro, you're not getting missions either, because of me! That's exactly why I killed-"

"Let me finish, Naruto. You don't need to convince me. You know I'll support you in anything you do. But if you want a revolution, it's not going to be as easy as killing a few dozen shinobi."

"People don't understand when we tell them things. We have to _show_ them! We'll do what the Sannin did. We'll kill so many of them they'll have to acknowledge us!"

A bird twittered outside. Kimimaro's small 'garden' – a row of plants in a rectangular trough next to an open window – waved gently in the breeze. The air smelled damp and succulent, and the grey-haired man leaned back in his chair and sighed.

"I'll be blunt. You're not strong enough. Neither am I."

"But-"

"I was nobility once. I know how powerful Hanzou is. The Hokage is the linchpin of shinobi society, but he's not irreplaceable. You'd have to take out the Sannin, the Five Houses, and the Censor as well. If you continue randomly killing people, you'll attract attention from at least one of them very quickly - and that will be the end."

"So what are you saying?"

"Zabuza was corrupt. The Censors had him slated for execution anyway. We may be able to talk your way out of that problem. In the future, though, we _must_ be subtle. We cannot hope to topple everything from down here. I, for obvious reasons, cannot show my face in high society.You've got to get close to the shinobi and infiltrate their highest echelons...the next Jounin-oyabun they sent to this sector will probably be more impartial, given Zabuza's fate. If you can prove your worth to him, that will be a start."

"Great!"

"Not really. The bureaucracy doesn't really remember that the Pit exists. It'll probably be a few years before they get around to sending someone. This is actually...a good thing."

Naruto stared at him, confused. Before he could talk, Kimimaro held up a hand.

His eyes closed as he turned himself inward, and then a slender drill of bone extended from his palm.

"We have time to train. First impressions are important. You are strong, Naruto, but not skilled. There is a difference."

Kaguya smiled.

"In the ten years since I found you, I've never shown you any of my techniques. From now on you won't need to battle the training dummies or pick off thugs from the Bleed. The next time you spar, I shall be your opponent. Growing…hurts."

* * *

That night, Kimimaro gazed at the moon. The world was bathed in silver, and streaks of soft light cast long shadows in the silent kitchen. 

Gratitude welled up in his heart, for the vessel was pliant and easily controlled - he had not even thought to question how Kimimaro had instantly created such a comprehensive plan. After a decade of cultivation, Uzumaki Naruto was ready to realize his fate.

"Orochimaru-sama...I hope you are ready."

* * *

**Next Chapter - **Two years later: Sasuke, Ino, Kakashi, ramen, training, and explosions. More background on this strange new AU I've cooked up and much more gratuitous violence.You're on the edge of your seat. Believe it. 

A/N: Wow, this was the hardest-written chapter of my life. Dies

REVIEW! THE POWER OF GEASS COMPELS YOU!


	2. Omake 1

**This is an Omake. I like to separate these from the actual chapters because some people like to take breaks before plunging into other serious chapters, and others don't. If you don't want to experience a major atmosphere shift, I suggest you hold off reading this until you need a laugh.**

_Omake (お負け but often written オマケ) means extra or bonus in Japanese. Among other things, the term is used to describe what in English are called 'Special Features' on DVD releases: deleted scenes, interviews with the actors, "the making of" documentary clips, out-takes, amusing bloopers, and so forth. However, this use of the term actually predates the DVD medium by several years. _**  
**

A/N: Public education does not exist in the Land of Fire. Nothing that follows actually occurs in the plot; it is merely comedic relief.

* * *

It had been a bad day for Uchiha Itachi. 

There was no _reason _he should have to sort the mail, but Pein, not wanting to show favoritism, had forced him. Didn't the morons he worked and lived with realize he was going _blind_?

He groaned (mentally, of course) and leaned against the wall of the cave. There was no way he was going to retrieve the mail while that storm was going on, especially when their cloaks were all at the cleaner's.

_Why does Kakuzu always go to the _cheap _ones?  
_

"Hey, Itachi, aren't you supposed to be the mail guy for today?"

"It's raining, Deidara."

"Don't tell me you're afraid of the rain! Could it be? The _great _Uchiha Itachi, slayer of his clan, afraid of getting wet? Wait till I tell Leader-"

_Shut up, you androgynous gender-confused homeopathic imbecile. _

"Stop talking. I'm not afraid of the rain."

"Suuuuuuure. Sure you aren't, Uchiha-_kun_. "

"Leave."

"Hey, are you afraid it'll damage your hair? I mean, I can understand if it's that…" Deidara had begun stroking his locks thoughtfully.

_He's serious. This...  
_

"Yes. That's exactly it. Now leave."

"O-kay!" The other Akatsuki bounced away with unnatural sprightliness.

To re-affirm his sexuality (he was _straight_, no matter what Kisame said!), Itachi decided to brave the storm, even though it would completely ruin his nail polish. He had never understood why Pein had allowed Konan to mandate that all of Akatsuki wear nail polish…some things were better left unseen, even for an Uchiha.

Three seconds later, Itachi glowered sullenly at the stack of slightly sodden that mail he couldn't read.

"This is stupid…total waste of the organization's resources…"

He turned on his Sharingan.

"Bills…bills…bills…" Kami, he never knew that Zetsu got around so much. _Sixteen _brothels in three days? Itachi filed the information away for blackmail purposes. Perhaps there was something to be gained from this after all…

Akatsuki's greatest source of income was Hidan. The religious revivals he held attracted donations numbering in the billions of ryou. Its greatest liability was Konan, whose beauty products were the sole reason they had not yet begun Stage Two. She was also the reason they lived in caves (real estate was expensive these days).

Pein needed to define who wore the pants in that relationship. Or maybe he had already tried, and this was the unfortunate result.

Itachi filed the information away for blackmail purposes (and _definitely_ not because he was a nosy gossip).

Kisame still wrote to and received letters from his mother. Several environmental rights groups had contacted them, for two reasons: one, to commend their organization on 'setting an example in natural living,' and two, to offer their support in the preservation of Kisame, who they considered, apparently, some sort of endangered species. Included were several letters from schoolchildren and a package of…fertility pills.

He didn't realize that puppet porn existed. Itachi made a mental note never to speak to Sasori again.

He would have to request mail duty more often. There was no way he was going to let anyone else probe _his _secret correspondences.

The last item was…unconventional.

At first he had thought it was written in some sort of cipher, perhaps an archaic runic script. Then he activated the Mangekyo and saw that it was only horrendously butchered handwriting.

**To: Akatsuki **

**From: Uzumaki Naruto**

**I would like to join yo****ur**** organization, because I am tired. Tired of- well, never mind. I enjoy killing people _and_ protecting the environment! Please consider me because I am very powerful. I once ripped a man's face off with my hand! I am also nearly impossible to kill, dattebayo! I once fell thirty stories and only broke my legs, and they healed back after a few minutes. Please believe me. I think we can help each other very much!  
**

_He's not the sharpest kunai in the shed, but if he's not lying he could be useful. His power sounds almost like Hidan's- wait. Isn't our organization supposed to be **secret**?**  
**_

How the hell had Amegakure Fish Lovers United discovered their mailing address? Why did they even have a public mailing address in the first place? Was astral projection not good enough anymore?

If this was the result of another of Kakuzu's "marketing strategies," they were going to have a _talk_.

* * *

Um, yeah, not proofread. I think I'll do a few of these small Omakes between the major chapters to keep my brain fresh. 

Itachi wants you to review. He didn't go through all that trouble for nothing, you know.


	3. Mirror Wheel Eye

A/N: I made a slight modification to the Sharingan. It is now only ever visible in one eye, but can contain up to six tomoe. Tomoe up to the third work as if the user were a canon Uchiha; the fourth through sixth act as a bridge to the Mangekyou, allowing superior perception. Sharingan users will only ever go blind in one eye due to the Bloodline Limit's effects, not two, and different powers (4th-6th tomoe) manifest when the mirror wheel appears in the left versus the right eye.

* * *

**Two Years Later**

He was late.

"Uchiha-sama! May I take your coat, sir?"

"No."

He walked to the rhythm of silk against skin, the low edges of his pants swishing against each other. As he passed into the main ballroom, he spared a glance upward.

The dome was high, a majestic cream-colored arc of pillar supporting its core. Mythic beasts, blood-splatter red, danced across the overhead mural, locked in eternal struggle with steeple-faced samurai of yore. The painter's strokes had been bold and expressive, great swathes of vivid hue encompassing movement, blade, and strike. The art was good, though the subject matter was a bit trite. He supposed he would be spending the majority of this evening staring at the ceiling.

The dance floor had been converted into a reception hall: great tables of rosewood, swathed in white cloth, sagged under bowls of fruit and pitchers of wine. A smattering of glitterati were cast across the marble tiles, emitting a murmur of conversation. The dull buzz was broken occasionally by the clarion-bright tinkling of glass-on-glass. Illumination seals were placed tastefully around the sides, disguised as calligraphy scrolls. He repressed the urge to snort.

Uchiha Sasuke had better things to do.

Unfortunately, he couldn't afford to offend one of the Sannin by missing their birthday celebration, and he didn't think Orochimaru would understand if Sasuke sent a servant in his place. The Uchiha were, ironically enough, still one of the Five Noble Clans, though Sasuke had difficulty seeing how one man and 357 servants constituted an actual clan - and he was _good_ at seeing.

If Sasuke had things his way, he would spend his days performing five activities only: eating, breathing, hunting Itachi, visiting art galleries, and training. Things such as sleep or restroom breaks consumed too much time to be permitted in his perfect world.

The first thing any son of the Five Clans learned, though, was that no one at the top ever got their way. (In fact, Uchiha Sasuke's entire life seemed to be some sort of deadpan comedy on the part of Fate; he more often got the exact _opposite _of what he wanted)

There was too much power, too widely dispersed, for any one force to control all the others - even the Hokage, who could single-handedly best all three of the Sannin in combat, knew the value of compromise. Alliances, Sasuke sighed grimly, were an unpleasant necessity.

Not that he was short on alliance offers. The other clans were constantly circling him, like carrion birds, disgustingly eager to snap up the Sharingan bloodline and assimilate the once-proud Uchiha clan into their fold. Hyuuga had proposed a potential marriage with Hinata at least six times (an absurd number, considering how much they disliked rejection), and the Yamanaka girl was incredibly forward in her advances - though, well, never mind. Rogue thoughts were going to betray him if Ino were here.

Politics irritated him to no end. He had no stomach for the hypocrisy, shallowness, and round-the-clock gossip that was smeared over the highest echelons of the Land of Fire. When did all the clan heads and ninja lords find time to train? Formal occasions had consumed a distressingly massive amount of time even when the Uchiha had numbered in the dozens. Now that he was the head and sole representative of the Uchiha, he could barely squeeze out four hours a day with his tutor, Hatake Kakashi.

_Former tutor_, he corrected, grimacing. It was bad enough he was still leagues behind Itachi; his jounin-sensei had to up and quit just after Sasuke had finished perfecting the Raikiri!

_He could at least have given a reason. _

Someone like Kakashi was an enigma in this city. The power structure of the Land of Fire was extremely rigid: at the top sat the Hokage, Hanzo of the Salamanders, who governed the entirety of the Land of Fire. Below him were the Sannin, a triumvirate of crime lords that ruled all aspects of criminal trade. Jiraiya controlled assassinations and smuggling, Tsunade prostitution and gambling, and Orochimaru hard drugs and human trafficking.

The only other shinobi with the clout to challenge a Sannin were the Hand, who ran the Cauls, and the Censor, who controlled ANBU.

The rest of the upper classes consisted of ambassadors from other nations, Masters of various professions, the noble clans, and Hatake Kakshi, Hero of the Sharingan.

Sasuke had never figured out how Kakashi had managed to insinuate himself into such a privileged circle without taking on any official roles or really accomplishing anything. All the man ever did was tutor Sasuke, read literary pornography, and have outrageous affairs with women of every lineage and stripe.

Not that the Uchiha was jealous or anything. It just seemed unusual, was all.

Without bothering to conceal his boredom he loped over to the tables and grabbed an apple. Why didn't these stupid fruit bowls offer tomatoes?

Speaking of fruits, Orochimaru had finally decided to show up, ferried in by a litter of white-clad slaves. Now Sasuke had only to endure a few hours of asinine revelry, and he would be free.

---

_My lord Orochimaru, _

_Things are going well. The vessel has shown far more potential than I dared hope, and he has made rapid progress since I last wrote. Has his induction into shinobi society been arranged yet? _

_I have, as per your orders, focused primarily on training his physical body, only teaching him techniques which are either impossible to copy or require enormous levels of chakra. (I thank you once again for being considerate enough to send your copies of the Forbidden Scrolls) Following is the formal status report for Kabuto's records: _

_General Condition _

_Uzumaki Naruto's greatest strength lies in his body. His speed, endurance, and power are utterly unprecedented among ninja of his age. His chakra capacity, due to the incredible size and density of his chakra coils, is nearly two hundred times that of an average Jounin. We have spent a great deal of time refining his regeneration, as per your request. To my knowledge, he has never fallen ill. _

_His chakra control remains only above average, and none of his techniques are particularly efficient. However, with the sheer amount of staying power he possesses, this will rarely become a problem: only massive regeneration or a truly colossal number of Kage Bushins would significantly dent his chakra supply. _

_Taijutsu_

_The vessel's taijutsu is his strongest point. He heavily favors the Tiger Style, as he is capable of generating claws from his fingers, though he's capable with the Mantis Style as well. Naruto prefers to grapple and crush opponents, shattering their bodies with his immense strength. He is excellent at closing with an enemy, but defends poorly against counterattacks. We have also successfully implemented the techniques you recommended previously.  
_

_Genjutsu_

_Sadly, the vessel's skills at genjutsu are abysmal. He has no talent whatsoever in this field. His only saving grace is his ability to break illusions: most genjutsu will simply be overwhelmed by the sheer amount of chakra he throws at them.  
_

_Ninjitsu _

_We have, for the most part, adhered tightly to the plan. Suprisingly, Naruto has also developed (of his own accord?) Jiraiya's Hari Jizō (Needle Guardian) Jutsu. _

_Closing _

_I would like to note that I do not believe I can teach Naruto any further. He has not yet surpassed me, but sparring with him has become increasingly dangerous, as he can splinter my bones with his claws and continually employs heavy explosives. During our last bout he nearly ripped my ribcage out, and shattered several of my limbs. __Also, my knowledge of ninjitsu is limited, as my own focus is the __Shikotsumyaku. I apologize for my incompetence, Orochimaru-sama.  
_

_The psychological training we put him through has served him well. Naruto relishes the thought of any combat and always fights to kill.  
_

_ Overall, I would consider Naruto a match for most Jounin, but only in a straight fight. His attempts at "stealth" are…somewhat pathetic. Note that Naruto has not taken any formal examinations and is still technically a Genin. _

_One piece of bad news: I have been unable to dissuade him from using the "technique" we spoke of earlier, despite the fact that it could very well imperil his life. This is the greatest risk factor currently present in the plan and - excuse my presumptuous manner - something should be done about it. _

_Will you be sending a new teacher for him soon? I would not like to waste any more time. Also, how is Juugo? _

_Respectfully yours, _

_Kimimaro_

---

Sasuke hated telepaths. He honestly did. The fact that the Yamanaka clan couldn't read minds without their victims knowing was one of the few blessings he acknowledged in life.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, now you're being mean!"

_It's incredibly rude to read other people's minds. You're annoying, Yamanaka. _

"It's alright, Sasuke, I know you're just hiding your true feelings under that cool exterior. After all, I know what you're thinking right now, and my, I never knew you had it in you!" Ino tittered, mercilessly glomping his right bicep.

He suppressed the urge to twitch. Leave it to Ino to translate killing intent as unadulterated lust…

Why didn't she ever leave him alone? He'd made it abundantly clear that he'd rather marry the doormat Hinata than even contemplate spending the rest of his life with a human megaphone. It didn't help that Ino trained so aggressively to keep pace with him – he'd probably have to advance his Sharingan another tomoe to keep her out of his head, and that would be difficult without Kakashi's advice.

_Why do you insist on attaching yourself like a limpet to my arm? You're cutting off my circulation. _

"Aww, Sasuke, _pet names_? I didn't know we were that far yet!"

Ino smiled wickedly as Sasuke's mind raced, fumbling for retorts. After five silent seconds of fuming, he sighed. It was impossible to verbally spar with an opponent that knew your moves before you did.

"Hn."

_You grew out of your moronic infatuation two years ago. Do you really need to maintain this charade? The Five Clans have never seen such a slattern of a scion. _

She smiled prettily. "Gotta keep up the act, Sasuke. Tou-san will have my head if I don't try my 'best' to unite our clans."

_Your 'best?' Hn._

"It looks like he's talking to Jiraiya."

"Yeah." Ino's grip loosened a little.

Now that Ino had stopped pretending to love him obsessively, he could grudgingly admit that she was fairly attractive. Her ponytail was simple but elegant, accentuated with a silver hair ornament, and she had lightly rouged her cheeks, emphasizing the very slight tan of her skin. She wore a strapless black dress of thin, breathable silk with a long slit down the side. The toes of her three-inch heels poked out the front of the dress, which revealed a long expanse of shapely calf when she walked. Her eyes were playful and catlike, the color of water reflecting leaves.

…_Did I just think that aloud? _

"You sure did!" Ino winked and snuggled closer to his shoulder.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Sasuke turned, trying (and failing) to subtly detach Ino from his arm.

His eyes narrowed and, for one fleeting moment, the left turned red.

"You."

"So cold, Sasuke. Is that really the greeting your former Jounin-sensei deserves?"

"Hn."

"Sasuke, you've been a Jounin for nearly two years now. There really isn't much more I could have taught you. I know-"

"What do you want?"

"You're an exceptionally skilled ninja, but you really don't have much practical experience. You've only completed the minimum number of missions necessary to qualify as a Jounin, and since the exam you haven't taken any missions at all."

"I've been busy. Just get to the point."

"Internal dissent has increased greatly over the last few months. The Hokage's mandated an increase in the number of four-man teams, because we're potentially vulnerable to outside assault. He wants me to lead my own ninja cell - which, incidentally, is why I can't serve as your tutor anymore."

Sasuke blinked.

"What about my clan duties? I can't just uproot and leave."

"Because of the potential crisis situation, Hanzou's going to announce tomorrow that clan heads will be released from their normal responsibilities while on a mission. No one can really fault you for missing a party if you're on assignment, either."

"...Fine." Sasuke's sullen tone sounded suspiciously light.

"Excellent," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Now then-"

"Wait." Ino let go of Sasuke (a brief expression of shock spasmed across his features, to be replaced by perfect serenity) and looked Kakashi in the eye.

"Yes, Yamanaka-sama?"

"I've wanted to advance my skills as well, and I haven't done enough missions to qualify for the Jounin exam yet. May I join?"

Kakashi sighed.

"Hey, I'm not useless, you know! My telepathy skills are the best in seven generations! And I'm not that bad at ninjitsu either, you should have seen-"

"It's not that, Yamanaka-sama. You see, I only had one empty slot on this team anyway. The others were assigned to me by two separate Sannin."

This time, Sasuke's Sharingan flared and stayed on, the four tomoe spinning lazily.

"Which two?"

"Tsunade-sama wanted a 'Haruno Sakura' on the team, something about paying off a gambling debt to Kakuzu."

"And the other?"

"Orochimaru-sama wants us to recruit Uzumaki Naruto."

Ino gasped, jade eyes wide. For once, it appeared, she was out of words. "The-the-"

"The Demon from the Cauls." Sasuke grinned, tomoe swirling madly. _And they reported that he was dead, too. If he could survive a three-hundred foot fall, he might just be a worthy foe. I wonder…_

"Hn. This…may be interesting after all."

---

The Sharingan was out and spinning, a silently whirring deep-red wheel.

The world Below was rank and moist and smelled of metal and damp. He tasted copper, faint and bitter in the air, as his dress shoes crunched against distended gravel paths. The shadows here were spindly and jagged, darker than his eyes.

He probably should have changed into more practical attire for this first meeting, but there had been no time, not when he had been genuinely excited for the first time in years. Besides, he had his sword, and that was the only part of his wardrobe which was essential.

Its porcelain sheath hung loose on his side, pushing slightly into the cloth of his pants. Birds and branches, a delicate patter of blue-on-white, ran along its rounded tip, coiling where it met the diamond-threaded grip.

Down here the sky was cut and boxed by the crawlways above; midnight blue gaped through the patches and let in slivers of absinth moonlight. There were puddles on the street-sides, not yet dried, and his shoes creaked as he strode steadily over moss-cracked stones. He almost thought he felt something, thrumming in his bones: a deep, basso rhythm that seemed to hum from the ground itself. He released his light finger-hold on the katana at his side and it slapped smoothly against his thigh.

This would have been a sedate, meditative walk if it hadn't been for the awkward kunoichi who kept making moon eyes at his back and the slouching pervert who was reading at his side. As it was, Sasuke was getting irritated. He had been trained to be paranoid when traveling Below, and the girl's attentions were disrupting his keen danger sense. Also, the way Kakashi walked was just annoying.

The thumping beat was getting louder. They turned a corner and found the source.

It creaked and rattled, appearing entirely too ramshackle to endure the frenzied motions going on inside. The side plates looked as if they were ripped from a dumpster, and the windows – well, semi-rectangular holes – flashed a stroboscopic combination of white, blue, purple, and red that was leaving him slightly delirious.

Kakashi looked up. "Yup. That's the address. I heard they moved recently, only two months ago."

Sasuke choked down incredulity and began to take deliberate, measured strides forward. The building seemed to vibrate as he approached, and suddenly one of the plates fell off with a horrendous clank. Apparently no one inside had noticed (or cared), as the music and thrashing climbed to new heights of intensity.

Steeling himself, Sasuke quickly advanced to the door and knocked once, twice, three times, not quite confident that anyone had heard.

The music stopped. He released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

Loud footfalls. A grunt, the pained turning of a rusted key. The door opened.

They saw a shinobi, about Sasuke's height, hair a tremendous cascade of indolent blonde spikes. A black muscle shirt hugged his chest; a long blue-silver overcoat was draped over his shoulders. He was powerfully muscled and had three tiger-stripe slashes across both his cheeks. His eyes were as hard and blue as the sky before a thunderstorm.

Sasuke felt Sakura's eyes shift away from his back.

---

After they had gone in and settled against the cheap, springy couches, after he had brought them freshly pulped lemonade and cup ramen, after he admitted (sheepishly, hand scratching the back of his head) that he had been "practicing jutsus" before they came, Sasuke stood and flicked his eyes to their host and said, in a cool, level tone,

"Tomorrow, when we meet officially, I want to fight you."

Gasps from Sakura, a barely suppressed scoff from Kakashi, silence from Naruto.

He turned to leave, not expecting a response.

"Oy! That's just what I was about to say to you." The Demon from the Cauls rose and smiled, baring a pair of shining fangs. For a moment, both their eyes flashed red.

Then, turning and smiling at his other guests, Naruto let out a deep, thundering laugh and idly raised his forearm, waving goodbye.

"Get out of my house, teme."

Sasuke allowed himself the flitting ghost of a smirk and departed into the cool of the night.

"Hn."

* * *

My take on this Sasuke: He's not as much of an ass because Kakashi's been his tutor for six years, and he has been making significant progress without anyone to goad him on. He's slightly more emotionally mature than canon. 

A/N: Look at the pretty enhanced Sharingan. Look at its six tomoe, spinning, spinning..._you are getting sleepy, very sleepy_. When you awaken, you will feel a sudden urge to..._Review_...


	4. Omake 2

**This is an omake. Beware. **

**I don't own Catch-22. **The omake that follows is for pure comedic relief and does not actually occur in the plot.

* * *

Kakuzu despised grateful patients.

Once, he had removed a small tumor from the back of a revoltingly obese man. Shirtless, with tears of happiness streaming down his grotesque, oiled chest, the man had lunged at the Akatsuki and engulfed him in a suffocating, greasy, crushing bear hug for nearly five minutes.

Three of Kakuzu's hearts gave out that day.

There was a reason Kakuzu's rapid, efficient surgeries cost enough to bankrupt a middle-class household for a year: newly impoverished patients were less likely to be grateful, and therefore less likely to annoy him.

Every day, he received cartloads of fan mail from adoring fans and prospective doctors. Occasionally they even had the nerve to mail him _gifts_ – he shuddered. He couldn't turn down gifts because they were, after all, free, but he was running out of warehouses to store all the teddy bears and decorated mugs and golf clubs and women's underthings that rained into his office, crowding out more importantthings, like bills. Kami, if they wanted to make him happy why didn't they just mail him cash?

He had tried to wholesale the teddy bears, once, but he just couldn't field a consistent product and the market was far too fickle. No, he had decided, medicine was his calling. Only rich people could afford luxurious apartments and chakra-infused silks, but anyone would give up their life savings if it meant saving their life.

Sighing, the Master Surgeon dropped his copy of _The Seven Habits of Highly Profitable People _and glanced out the window. Grateful patients bombarded him with dinner offers, product offers, pieces of crappy artwork their children had drawn, and messenger birds. They drastically raised his overhead because he had to employ nearly six mail clerks to sort his postage, and robbed him of his time by stopping him on the street to chat or perform other non-profitable actions.

Dejected, he looked over his finances again - only the twenty-sixth time this hour! – and noted that his daily revenue stream had dried up. It was a miserable 35 million ryou, a far cry from its former glorious summit of 35.5 million ryou. He felt as if he were in _yet another_ mid-life crisis (he had one about every hundred years).

His life was just so empty and relatively devoid of money! He remembered when he had been a misty-eyed youth of twenty-two, proud at finally attaining a Jounin salary; vowing to live forever or die trying… What had become of that innocent, sharp, handsome boy? (Not that his looks or savvy had deteriorated any over the years. He only bemoaned the loss of innocence – a sad necessity to survive in the cold, harsh world of business)

Relationships had never really worked for Kakuzu. Most accountants and bankers were male, and the rare females usually weren't very attractive. It had been a long, long time since he'd gotten _any_, especially since he wasn't willing to pay the ludicrous prices prostitutes charged these days. All he wanted out of a mate was some caring, a fling in the bed every once in a while, and his taxes done free of charge. Was that really so much to ask?

He slumped down on his desk, overcome with depression. Perhaps he could go out gambling with the Legendary Sucker…no, he had taken too many millions last time, Tsunade might watch him more carefully and realize he card-counted. Best to wait a few more days before tripling his weekly income again.

There was a knocking on his door. _By the heavens, if it is another grateful patient I will throw myself out of this window. _

"Kakuzu-sama! Do you remember me, Kakuzu-sama? Hiroyi Ayano? I brought this talking fish for you, just to show my gratitude…Kakuzu-sama?"

The wind blew into the office, ruffling the papers on the desk and whishing past the woman's brown hair.

One hundred feet below, accelerating at 32 feet per second per second, Master Surgeon Kakuzu decided that Maito Gai's personal philosophy _sucked_.

* * *

Oh, I forgot to say this last time: 

I will be using stylized real-world martial arts for the taijutsu styles of most characters, with a few notable exceptions (i.e. Sakura). Naruto, for example, mostly employs the assault-heavy Tiger Style, while Sasuke uses a highly modified form of kenjutsu.

Review, or the fish gets it. You wouldn't want to hurt a poor, innocent fish, would you?


	5. Dragonfly Murmur

A/N: Okay. My friend and I were debating over a depressing "fact:" less than half of one percent of readers review, and even people who have your story on alert, review less than ten percent of the time!

Personally, I believe those 'figures' are arbitrary and utter crap, and I'll refute them!

You guys are way better readers than whoever he's polling. How will I prove this to my jaded, fanfiction-cynical friend?

Bribery.

If I can get at least seventy-five percent of my story-alert readers to review, then there's no way he can chalk it up to a statistical abnormality. So here's the deal: if seventy-five percent or more of you awesome story-alert readers submit ANYTHING (it can just be one word, 'update' or something), Iwill update with a new chapter (that's right, not an omake, **a completely new, long chapter**) within _a_ _day_. Tempted yet? Maybe?

Some of Sasuke's kenjutsu moves are in English. I'm too lazy to learn how to translate them properly into Romanji, and I don't want to mangle the language. A shinkan, by the way, is a sword. I thought it sounded cool.

* * *

_The morning glory also_

_turns out_

_ not to be my friend. _

_ -Matsuo Basho_

* * *

  
"Oy, Sasuke, you ready?" Naruto was wearing a copy of his outfit from yesterday, hair ruffled gently by errant fingers of wind. The low edges of his plated overcoat flapped like gullwings in the breeze. His upper lip curled into a smiling sneer.

They had met at a higher-level park, largely deserted, and had waiting for over fifteen minutes at a bridge before Naruto had given up in disgust and begun looking for a battlefield. Now they stood on a massive slab of sectioned stone, sixty meters to each side: the Noble Clans used the surface as a game board for massive-scaletournaments of _Go_. The sun made an incandescent mirror of the ground, long blades of clear white light rippling across the polished tiles.

"Hn." Uchiha Sasuke wore a black, thin-cut jacket over a black dress shirt and sharp black pants. He was all angles and edges, sunlight casting flat planes of shadow under his slim cheekbones. With calm, deliberate grace he drew his blade from its sheath, thousand-forged steel flaring brilliant through the morning haze.

Like a downward-flowing stream, he shifted effortlessly into a guard stance, one leg advanced and bent at the knee, center of gravity poised and low, scabbard held at a low angle to the front. His right hand, holding the actual _shinkan_, was cocked slightly to the back, ready to flash forward and claim a lung, a limb, a jaw.

Naruto sniffed the air. _He fights with the scabbard and the sword?_ Cautiously, he slid his weight to his back foot.

Sasuke let his eyes slide closed, image training taking over his mind. He felt the tense, subtle weight of the blade in his hand, heard the grunt of shocked pain, felt the hot, wet gout of blood spray his face as his opponent fell and died. His mismatched orbs snapped open and saw victory.

In the sidelines, Sakura fought to stifle a gasp as Sasuke directed a laser of killing intent towards Naruto's heart. She felt slightly nauseous, tingles of cold racing up and down her back.

_So this…is a jounin?_

For a small, sad moment, she felt a twinge of pity for her blond teammate. Sakura wasn't sure how she felt about Naruto and Sasuke – her insides were all confused, thoughts twisted and bunching.

Boredom was stamped across Naruto's features. "Sasuke,"

"Hm?"

"I could have killed you by the time you finished preparing."

A flicker of irritation marred Sasuke's features. "Hn."

"Let's agree to something, Sasuke."

"What?"

"From now on, we don't hold back. I will do my best to kill you, and you will do your best to kill me."

A smiled played at the edges of his obsidian eyes. Sasuke nodded slightly. "Agreed."

"Also…" Naruto cracked his next and slid into the Tiger stance, legs bent at the knee, hands splayed palms-out with fingers crooked, heavy with power.

"_That_ was the best you could do?" His voice had _changed_, was gravelly and primal and hungry and low. Claws grew from his fingernails, black and bayonet-sharp. Sakura held a breath as the duel began.

The stones erupted beneath Naruto's feet, a fountain of billowing dust, and he was a blur, a golden-streaked mirage, roaring with the fury of a predator king, and then the sky fell down.

She doubled over, vision stitching into ragged lines of white and black, toppling to her knees and barely drawing breath as the raw, bloody edge of terror dragged itself down her spine. _What…what…_

Uchiha Sasuke almost blanched. _What a monster. _His opponent's chakra was inconceivably huge, his speed absolutely terrifying. Kakashi had once said that Sasuke's killing intent was like a thunderbolt. Naruto's, however, was the storm itself: wild, ravenous, and utterly implacable. _If I want to live, I cannot hold back. _

"Niten Ichi Ryu: Gorin no Taisei." (Two Swords, One Heaven School: Stance of the Five Rings) He took a step back, blade and sheath held reversed against his sides, gripped by only the index and middle fingers of his hands.

Naruto was close, shockingly close, Caul marks huge against Sasuke's eyes as his claws tore upwards with brutal speed, aiming to disembowel.

"Shunshin no jutsu!" Sasuke blinked away in a scatter of falling leaves, appearing several paces away. Naruto swiped at the air and growled, circling the Uchiha like a hunting raptor. A moment later, he erupted from Sasuke's blind spot with cannonball velocity, his palm upraised.

_Without the Sharingan I'd be dead already. _

Sasuke couldn't win this by playing defensively – Naruto's power would grind at his defenses until he was overwhelmed. His only option was to kill the other shinobi before the onslaught could build even greater momentum.

He whipped around and slashed downwards, steel singing as it bisected the air. Naruto darted to the side, absorbed the turn, and bolted forward, palm coming down.

A crack of thunder as the stone platform ruptured, cracks spiderwebbing from the foot-deep hole the blow made.

_Kami. If he lands a direct hit anywhere on my body, this is over. _

Naruto gave an irate grunt as he pulled his palm out of the ground. He stood, turned straight into a sudden arc of steel.

The blade drew a jagged line across the shinobi's shirt before his powerful legs flexed, reversed his motion, throwing him back. Sasuke completed his cut and stared critically at the results of his ploy. The wound was shallow, already clotting – it was apparent that he couldn't hope to injure Naruto with this level of technique.

Before his adversary could recover completely, Sasuke inhaled deeply:

"Katon: Goukyaku no Jutsu!"

A miniature sun exploded into being inches from his face, advancing with inexorable force. To his shock, Naruto charged straight into the flames, slashing with his claws, and the orb crumpled, dissipated by the tremendous force of his strikes.

Fingers rose to form a Ram seal.

_What is he doing? _

"You're barely worth fighting, Uchiha. I'll end this now."

Sasuke had no other options, and had no wish to be unpleasantly surprised. _He's open. _

"Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

"RAIKIRI!"

The Lightning Edge swarmed with birdsong as it spread over steel and scabbard, engulfing both his weapons in crackling, merciless blue. Around, the storm of smoke spiraled and cleared, and one thousand eyes fell on his frame.

Sasuke darted and danced across the tiles, sweat running down his brow as he strained to avoid their precisely coordinated attacks. Two bushin came at him from opposing sides, tearing at his flanks, while another burst from the ground to slash at his knees. He grunted and tumbled forward, narrowly avoiding a claw from above, then sprinted forward, zigzagging erratically to throw his pursuers off. _There's enough of them that they'll get in each other's way. _

Quickly, his Sharingan tracked their potential movements, scanning chakra layers, revealing the true Naruto. _To the right! _

The black-clad shinobi hopped to the side, veering in a smooth curve towards his foe. Then the world dissolved into yellow and blue as every clone began to move with Naruto's bestial speed, swirling around him like the arms of a hurricane, claws falling quick as rain.

He had no choice.

"Water Circle: Flow Like Blood."

Sasuke's tomoe whirred with cold intensity. He drifted around and past and beneath blows with fluid grace, slipping between the strikes like rain through a sieve. He couldn't see the clones, couldn't predict their attacks, but he _knew _how exactly he should move to kill Naruto.

He leapt and spun and touched the ground with the balls of his feet, dragging Raikiri across the stones, scything down a dozen shadows as he sped, Lightning Edge rising, rising, Naruto turning now, too slow…

Gouts of blood pumped rhythmically out, splattering against the ground, bathing his sandals red. His breath rushed out, huge and hissing in his ears.

"Nice. Would've worked on anyone else, too."

_Impossible. _

Naruto raised a claw, swiped at Sasuke's head. With a last, exhausted Shunshin no Jutsu, the Uchiha flashed three feet away, blood running down his chin, and collapsed. His shoulders and legs felt as if they were made of molten lead. His core was brittle, a dry husk. He sucked in great, gasping lungfuls of air, panting and coughing on his knees. Nerveless hands released sword and sheath - they clattered rudely against the broken tiles.

With a sound of sealing flesh, the hole in Naruto's lung shrank until only unblemished skin remained. The pumpkin-sized chunk torn out of his abdomen took a bit longer.

The Niten Ichi Ryu was the _koryu _of the Uchiha clan, an ambidextrous sword art that required immense talent and effort to master. Each of its techniques were classed in order of difficulty, from basic Ground Circle _kata _that could cleave a man in two to Void Circle jutsus that bent the very laws of the universe. A scion of Sasuke's talent was born only once every thousand years, yet he had barely completed the Water Circle – and using even one kata of that level left him drained, barely able to breathe.

"Che. I was just about to get serious and now you can't even stand."

Naruto was walking away, claws retracted, hair a bonfire of dancing gold.

* * *

When, five minutes later, Kakashi emerged from his hiding place among the trees, Sasuke was pooled on the slick stone, still breathing heavily; Naruto was sitting on a bench, cheek resting on fist, and Sakura was still, eyes flicking from one teammate to the other.

"Well, it looks like you've had some fun!" An eye-smile accompanied his upraised hand.

Naruto shrugged like a rolling wave. "Nah. It was kinda boring."

"Neh, Kakashi."

"Yes, Naruto?"

"I'm hungry. Where do you people eat?"

In fifteen minutes they were being refused service outside a high-class teahouse. The establishment was built into a seven-sectioned pagoda, its arrowhead roof made of turquoise-slatted ceramics. They had been stopped at the threshold by a pale, trembling waitress with a wide lily in her hair and tree branches along her silk kimono. She gazed at them (well, at Naruto) with teary eyes and quivering lips, the thick paper of the menu held tight to her chest like a shield.

Outside the street was balmy warm and bustling with strolling nobles and rattling ricksaws. The streets were decorated with carved stone inlays and flanked by long, full-blossomed trees, sighing in the wind. A faint scent of rosewood drifted through the air.

"Er…" Kakashi smiled and rubbed the back of his head. "I'd like to avoid any awkwardness, if possible. My team is a bit hungry, you see, and…heh."

Naruto grunted, nearly sending the woman into catatonic shock, and turned around. "It's fine, Kakashi. I'll drop by my place and meet you guys out here in twenty."

Sakura felt a sharp pang of sympathy, followed by the shameful burning of relief. Despite herself, she was terrified of her fiend teammate – just thinking about the murderous force behind his killing intent weakened her knees.

"That won't be necessary." Sasuke stepped in front of Kakashi and looked at the woman.

"Do you know who I am?"

She nodded tearfully, casting agitated glances at Naruto's head, which had swiveled around to look at the Uchiha.

"Get your manager."

All the tension seemed to flee the woman as she fled with frenetic speed. After a few moments, a balding man in a Mandarin suit came to the front. His haughty demeanor quickly became groveling as he caught sight of Sasuke.

"Uchiha-sama! Well, this is an unexpected surprise, though a most, most pleasant one. Is there anything you want or need? I can assure you-"

Sasuke jerked a thumb back at Naruto. "He eats with us. You're paying."

The man swelled like an overripe tomato, began sweating profusely. "Bu-but- but Uchiha-sama, that is- er, he is, um, that is th-the…well, you know, heh, he's the, um…"

"Stop blabbering, you moron. Did I give you a choice in the matter?"

"Well, um, sir, I mean Uchiha-sama, I- We-"

"You have two options. You can accept our patronage and potentially gain a marketing point – the fact that I deigned to eat in this barren hole – or you can continue to refuse and ruin yourself. I hope you are not…_belittling_ my house?"

The manager nearly melted into the ground, so fast was he sweating. His suit was now caked in the stuff, from sleeve to collar, and he was bent and bowing on the ground, almost in hysterics. "Yes- I mean no, no! Of course not! Quickly now, admit them, the best tables – a private alcove! Yes- get a move on, you lazy fool!"

He kicked a waiter in the back, began gesticulating madly for them to come in. "We are honored, absolutely _estatic, _Uchiha-sama, that you have consented to deal with vermin of our caliber. I assure you, no…misunderstandings will occur again. Come in, everything is, of course, on the house! Yes!"

Sasuke shot the man a disgusted look and strode in, following their somewhat injured waiter.

Kakashi strolled jauntily after, looking for all the world as if he had just awoken from a nap. Sakura had never eaten at such an exclusive teahouse and entered wide-eyed, fighting down the reflex to tiptoe and gape, open-mouthed. She stared at the bold scarlet calligraphy scrolls, fantastically expensive waitress attire, and sprawling landscape murals over the smoke-carved wood of the walls.

When Naruto came in, all conversation died, and people stared at him, barely registering the food falling out of their newly slackened jaws. He walked through the tables and grabbed Sakura by the forearm.

"Sakura, we're falling behind."

She nodded dumbly as he dragged them away, up a flight of stairs and into a lavishly decorated chakralit alcove in the wall.

Sasuke and Kakashi were seated across from each other, looking over the menus, and the rest of their team joined them. The waiter hovered nervously at the fore of the table, ready to take orders.

Sakura admired the painstaking craftsmanship of the fan-spiral carvings built into the hollow of the booth while Naruto browsed through the menu flippantly and grumbled for pictures.

"Give me…twenty bowls of ramen! Your best kind. Oh, and, I guess since this is a teahouse, I'll have your best tea, too. Ten pots of that. And tofu. Five pounds of fried tofu." The feral shinobi crossed his arms, nodded assertively. The waiter scribbled furiously, not bothering to remind him that neither ramen nor fried tofu were on the menu.

"A flame-broiled lobster and your sun-dried tomato spread. Also, two fresh organic tomatoes, uncut." For some reason, Sasuke's Sharingan had come out as he was scanning the list.

"Ano…just some light sushi for me, please. Bring a selection platter, if you don't mind." Sakura closed her menu and stared at Sasuke's eyes.

"I'll have…hm…not tempura." Kakashi leaned back and closed his eyes. A book snapped open in front of him.

The waiter twitched for a moment before nodding vigorously and scribbling it down. Bowing hastily, he left.

Naruto spoke first. "Sasuke,"

"Hm?"

"Thanks."

"Don't think it was personal. I'm hungrier than you are."

Naruto made an incredulous noise and leaned back in his seat. The fitted bamboo creaked slightly under his muscle.

The noise snapped Sakura out of her daze and she looked around, startled. "Hey, since we haven't formally introduced ourselves yet, why don't we do that now?"

"Is that really necessary?" Sasuke tapped his fingers against the table, looking constipated.

"Hm, well, I guess so…" Kakashi closed his book reverently and stored it in his vest. "Well, just tell us about your likes, dislikes, any dreams you may have, you know…" He yawned laconically, waving at them. "Why don't you start, Sasuke?"

"Hn. Fine. Uchiha Sasuke. I like…tomatoes, and my sword, Tsukikage (Moonbeam, _lit. _Moon Shadow). I dislike…fangirls. I have…well, I suppose you'd call it an ambition - to kill a certain man, and restore the honor of my clan."

"Interesting." Kakashi stifled another yawn. "Sakura?"

"Oh! Ahem. I'm Haruno Sakura, my family lives on the 25th level, I just finished my apprenticeship to Kakuzu-shishou. I like…um…books? And my hair color. I dislike losing patients. My dream is to one day ascend to Master status and, um, start a family, I guess?"

_Ugh! I managed to sound like a nerd and a total flake at the same time! And, did Sasuke notice that I was looking at him for the last part? Oh, I hope not…that would be so embarrassing! _

"My turn!" Naruto grinned widely.

"Uzumaki Naruto. I live in the Pit. When I was four, I was shoved into a Caul and stayed for two years before breaking out. I like ramen, blood, and fighting. I dislike…Cauls. My dream is to bring justice to this city."

At this, Kakashi's eyebrow shot up. _Dangerous talk, even for him. _

Then a sword broke through the wood of the wall, splinters slashing through the air, and earth and heaven imploded as everything went to hell.

* * *

A/N: Hm, I actually intended for Naruto to use a lot more of his techniques, but I decided to save those for later. Next chapter: Naruto just snaps and wails on everyone. No, really, he does.

Do you guys miss Kimimaro? He might be showing up again pretty soon…

Oh, I almost forgot:

Ugh. I'm too tired to think of a witty exhortation to review. Just review, please.


	6. Flask the Moonlight

A/N: WOW! You guys really came through for me! Thanks! Pat yourselves on the back. As promised, here's a whole new chapter.

You guys might want to check the **Reference Notes** at the end of the chapter first. They'll help you make sense of things.

* * *

_  
There is no hunting like the hunting of men, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. _

_-Hemingway_

* * *

In the moment before the sword slipped between Naruto's ribs, Kakashi jumped backwards and flipped open his Sharingan. Five tomoe saw through stone, wood, and flesh, and the world paled, grew sharper. Lurid imprints of movement strobed through his vision, lines of once-unseen chakra shimmering-clear, the attacker's potential movements hopelessly transparent. 

_He isn't alone_.

Outside the building, nearly twenty men waited, preparing to stream in through windows, balconies, doors. Kakashi saw their semisolid silhouettes through the grain of the wall, and narrowed his eyes.

Sasuke's Sharingan was manifesting, sprouting one tomoe, then two, three, four, almost beginning to spin. His hand came down, reaching for his sword.

Sakura brought her hand up, winced as a shard of splintery ceder buried itself in her wrist. It lacerated the silken wrappings which spread over all her forearms save her fingers. Her other hand was unraveling the bandages, ebon streamers questing through the air…

That was what happened the moment before the sword slipped between Naruto's ribs.

No one wanted to remember what happened after.

The Demon raised his head and _roared_, a point-blank thundercrack, and Kakashi fell back, tumbling, landing gracelessly on his behind. His vision hitched, then stilled, as if the air were made of furious, vertical black lines.

Murder turned the atmosphere thick as lead as Naruto loosed his killing intent. The team watched, bone-still, at the slaughter that unfolded.

A tawny claw gripped the forearm holding the blade and shattered it, crushing the bone to bloody shrapnel. The man screamed.

"I _liked_ this coat." Naruto snapped the sword between thumb and forefinger. He fired his arm like a piston through his assailant's chest, tearing the man's heart straight out. Callously, he dropped the organ to the side. It bounced, painting the floor red. The pressure on Sakura's chest lessened and she leaned forward, gasping; plucked – with a grimace of pain – the fragment from her wrist.

Sasuke stood, eyes flicking around, searching for an escape route. Kakashi pointed to the wall and pushed himself away, shouting-

But no one could hear him over the sound like a forest splintering and Naruto turned and saw the wall bulging inwards, and as it capsized he threw a forearm over his eyes as ten thousand wooden needles buried themselves in his frame. Moments later the splinters were forced out, clicking on the ground as his flesh healed.

Nineteen shadows ghosted inwards, surrounding their party. They didn't appear to be unharmed: a few were on one knee, breathing heavily, and only one seemed unaffected by the killing intent which had flooded the room. The weaker ones brandished kunai launchers in their hands, struggling to bring them to bear.

_There's no time to lose. Before Naruto loses control, I have to eliminate them. _

"Kage Bushin no Jutsu!" Two clones of Kakashi appeared in mid-air, and dispersed to separate corners of the room, hand-signs flashing.

_"Katon: Goukakyu no Jutsu!"_

Sasuke grabbed Sakura and performed Shunshin no Jutsu, appearing near the stairs.

_"Suiton: Suiryūdan no Jutsu!"_

Naruto crouched on powerful legs and launched himself upwards, spinning to face the foes below.

_"Fuuton: Daitoppa!"_

The maelstrom of elemental forces surged and collided, wrestled and fused, coiling like dragons at war. A whirlwind of undulating flames rose and expanded, erupting into a massive all-directions blast of boiling steam.

Fourteen corpses in various states of ruin lay sprawled in the aftermath of the attack.

_Only fourteen? I expected to kill at least three more. _

Then there was no more time for speculation as six shadows burst like avenging swords from the cloud, two closing on him, one on Sasuke and Sakura, and three on Naruto.

Kakashi narrowed his eyes as his Sharingan began to spin. _If they survived that, they aren't just pushovers. _

To catch their eyes, he made a quick Rat seal. _Genjutsu: Utakata. _

One of the assassins stopped, frozen in place. The other continued to rush forward, heedless of his ally's paralysis.

_Perfect. _

"Chidori!" Kakashi's arm shrieked with cobalt lightning as he feinted right and slashed towards the man's jugular. His foe dodged, skipping backwards, then lashed out with a chain, segmented steel binding the jounin's arms. Quickly the charging shinobi retrieved a silver-blue katana and advanced, stabbing fiercely towards Kakashi's belly- which promptly disappeared, revealing an inelegantly impaled chair.

"What? Kawarimi no Jutsu?"

"Exactly." And with the glory of a thousand mornings Chidori burst through his neck, steaming with blood.

Kakashi ripped his hand out, assessing the situation. _Sasuke and Sakura probably have the other one under control. Naruto's got it the worst. _

With smooth efficiency Kakashi picked up the fallen man's katana and impaled his partner through the spine.

Above, three shades converged on the Naruto, bounding off tables and upturned chairs.

"I don't have time for this! Can't you see I'm _hungry?_" The demon shinobi made a handsign in midair, disappeared.

"Tajuu Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

The left one died instantly, limbs pulled off as if they were so much wet paper. The other two fared somewhat better, avoiding complete annihilation, but were thrown outside by clones. Kage bushins formed a nearly solid fortress of flapping coats and golden spikes that observed idly the plight of their foes.

Through the wall, the two assassins dueled desperately with a legion of Narutos, back to back and swerving to fend off a nightmare of bloody yellow blurs. Eventually, one made a mistake and died, falling to the ground like a gutted fish. The last whipped out a sword, slashed one clone in the face, and scampered madly atop a staircase of bushins to leap back into the teahouse.

He was met immediately by a tide of reaching claws and rending strikes, and he bit his lip to suppress a scream when one of them tore a full fist-sized chunk of flesh from his shoulder. With expert footwork and fervent grace he managed to avoid further injury, speeding towards his target…

There was the blunt, clean thrust of steel through flesh. Kakashi looked over to where Sasuke had impaled their one attacker – seemingly lost in some sort of genjutsu – through the lung. The blade came out, shining-smooth, and decapitated the assassin.

"Yuugao!" The final member of the assault squad swerved ninety degrees, ragged shoulder pumping blood. His burning black eyes locked with Sharingan red, and he staked all his being on a last, furious offense.

"Mizukami no Mai!"

_There's only one ninja that young who can perform that justu…_

The man seemed to split into two seamless copies, afterimages trailing like moonlight over still waters. Kakashi, however, saw the true Hayate Gekko slip in silently behind Sasuke.

"Shit!" Kakashi's eyes widened. _A four-tomoe Sharingan won't be able to see through that! Sasuke…_

He readied a kunai, but before he could throw, a clear, strident voice cut through the room.

"Kokuangyou no Jutsu!" Sakura formed the seal of the Tiger, ribbons coiling in a sinuous swirl.

Two images vanished. Hayate, caught at the neck, wrists, and ankles by smooth black wrappings, was flung over Sakura's head and into the ground, his body punching through the wooden floor with an audible crunch.

"Wait." Kakashi appeared next to Sakura and grabbed her arm. "Don't kill him."

Naruto snarled, cerulean chakra extending from his claws. "Why the hell not?"

"We need to know who sent them, and why they came."

The blond grunted, smashing a table in frustration. "Alright. Is he awake?"

Sasuke shook his head.

"No. Sakura, can you keep him tied up like that?"

"Yeah, can you, Sakura? Then we can eat in peace!"

_He's still got food on the mind, after all of this..._

Kakashi fought to maintain control of his sweat glands.

The bindings released the man, wrapping themselves again around Sakura's arms. She advanced coolly on their broken foe. "I can do better than that."

Leaning down, she pressed two fingers to his spine. "Ranshinsho!"

The body writhed for a moment, then was still. She smiled, picking the limp invader up by the scruff of his collar and placing him on a chair. With a satisfied expression, she dusted off her hands.

"Wow, Sakura, I didn't know you could actually fight!"

This time, Kakashi sweat-dropped. Naruto had sounded genuinely amazed, which no doubt only made it worse. Sakura's face was a mask of shocked indignation that slowly, by twitches and spasms, shifted into rage.

"NARUTO!"

Her fist blindsided him, a clumsy hook to the jaw, and his face snapped to the side, spittle flying. Wounded confusion flickered across his face before hardening rapidly into savage fury. When his eyes snapped open they were the color of sunsets in May.

_She should not have done that. Even if it was a weak strike, Naruto grew up in the Pit. There, allies who attack suddenly are traitors, no questions asked. _

Sakura looked almost as shocked as Naruto did, staring at her own knuckles, mouth open. "Na-Naruto! Kami, I am so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking! Here, are you okay?" She reached out with her other hand, fingers shaking slightly- Naruto's larger paw curved them, and she flinched as he began to apply steadily increasing pressure on her wrist injury.

_Stupid girl! He must have thought you were trying to attack his nervous system. You can't reason with him when he's like this…normally he's more man than animal, but when the eyes change instinct takes over. _

Sharingan exposed, Kakashi looked his charge in the eye. "Naruto. You're among friends." A slight hypnotic suggestion slipped through the words, small but focused.

Slowly, his eyes cleared and he released her hand, the bruise on his chin already fading. "Ah."

_Phew. For a moment there I thought I was going to have to requisition a replacement. _Sakura really was lucky to have escaped without losing a finger. Striking someone as unstable as Naruto immediately after a fight…Kakashi sighed and forced an eye-smile.

"Come on, team, let's eat! We need some way to celebrate our victory!"

Desperate to change the subject, Sakura latched onto the suggestion. Her cheer was equally forced.

"Yeah! And why isn't our food here yet?"

---

Afternoon found them in a park – a different one, with wide Shinto arches over gravel paths and tresses of cherry blossoms tied to exquisite wooden bridges – sitting in a circle. Naruto was on the ground, Kakashi was lying down, book flipped over his face, Sasuke slouched on a bench, staring the water, and Sakura was on the opposite end, looking at her toes. Every few minutes, she would absently rub her knuckles, fingers, and wrists.

She decided to try again.

"It isn't that bad, Naruto…I mean, at least someone acknowledges that you're important!"

Silence and the birds answered her.

Sakura sighed. She didn't know her blond teammate very well, but this state of melancholy felt – unnatural – to her. Naruto wasn't sulking or petulant; he almost seemed scared.

_Well, I guess I would be, too…_

His suspicions of her weren't helping, either. Sure, it wasn't rational to think that a punch of that level could be any kind of threat, but Naruto didn't seem very into reason. His response had probably been beaten into him in the Pit. It was a testament to the brutality of the lowest levels that successful fighters honed not only their physical but their emotional reflexes, maximizing neural activity and adrenaline output in the milliseconds between a fight's beginning and its first thrown punch. Still, none of that made her position any easier.

It was almost as if Naruto either understood something completely and intuitively, or not at all. He worked through sudden flashes of insight and quick bursts of emotion..._The mind of a Zen master, without the emotional intelligence to use it. _Heh.

She was supposed to have gotten over her hitting-people stage four years ago, after that incident with the Akimichi. She tended to have a lot of mood swings and bottle up her emotions, and releasing aggression by hitting the nearest thing usually helped. It wasn't, however, exactly proper in a hospital situation, so Kakuzu had drilled her out of the habit. He had been _very _effective…she suppressed a shudder. The man could be petrifying when you were raising his malpractice insurance.

_Shannaro! _

It's not as if the whole thing were her fault! She was a temperamental person – just look at Inner Sakura – and exposure to Naruto's overwhelming _ki_ twice in one day had torn her nerves apart. She resolved to just stop thinking about it. There wasn't anything she could really do, was there?

_Blah. Just…blah. _

Naruto sat up, his mouth a grim line. "Oy, Kakashi."

"Yes?"

"When are we getting our first mission? What do we do when we don't have missions? Where are we going to live? We're spaced throughout the city…what happens when we need to assemble fast?"

Kakashi seemed to mull over the question before answering in a slow drawl:

"Ah, first mission, first mission…Hm, well, the team's been put together, but there's been nothing from the Hokage yet. If someone hires us, we'll have our first mission. When we don't have missions, we do anything we want, though usually we're on-alert, which means we need to be in fifteen minutes of each other. As for the living thing...well, you guys are living in Sasuke's place, like me."

"We are?"

"They are?"

Kakashi shrugged. "There's a lot of room going to waste in the Uchiha complex. Why not put it to good use?"

"I don't suppose I get rent or anything?"

Naruto scoffed. "You need the money?"

"No, but do you enjoy freeloading off people?"

"Of course!" Naruto beamed.

Utterly disgusted with humanity, Sasuke leaned back in his bench and closed his eyes, withdrawing from the conversation.

Sakura nibbled on her lip, teeth white against the pale pink skin. _No one talks about the elephant in the room._

She mustered her courage and spoke. "Naruto, what are we going to do about...the thing we learned from that assassin?"

Everyone looked at her, then pretended they hadn't.

Naruto closed his eyes but she saw the red. His voice was lethargic but forced. "It's just one more person trying to kill me. I deal with this kind of stuff all the time."

_He can't just say that! He definitely understands the magnitude of this…I think. Arrgh! _Before Sakura could reply, Kakashi stepped in and saved her.

"It's not as if we're belittling your power, Naruto. You have fifty times my chakra. But you can't just hand-wave this problem, because it's definitely going to recur. Not only does having one of the Legendary Sannin as your enemy cut into the number of missions we can accept, it also puts your life in constant danger – especially as this Sannin is the Master of Assassins. In hindsight, I really should have seen this coming…the support of two of the Sannin would definitely attract the animosity of the third, to maintain the balance of power if nothing else."

Sasuke coughed. "So what do we do? Jiraiya's after Naruto and he's not a foe we can fight."

Kakashi rubbed his eyes. "If we can get the formal patronage or protection of one of the other Sannin, Naruto should be fairly safe. They're all dependant on each other, so they can't afford to break the chain."

In the Land of Fire, ninja could be hired for almost anything. There were no hard-and-fast rules, no strictures to prevent one clan from ordering assassinations on another, no legal controls on the amount of power any one individual or organization might amass. Treason to the Hokage was illegal and quickly attracted ANBU; anything and anyone else was fair game.

Thus, factions and crime lords and Noble Clans were constantly locked in a tenuous state of almost-war, of jostling for favors and calling in hits and kissing up to Sannin and uncorrupting the house guards, of petty politics and shifting alliances and children leveraged (by arranged marriage) for trade. At times, conflict built along fault lines and detonated, resulting in bloody shadow wars. They were wars of assassins and poisons and kunai, where kidnappings and murder spiked among all levels of the megalopolis, where none but the strongest – and sometimes not even the strongest - were safe.

The copy-nin exhaled slowly. "It looks like I'm finally going to have to take a side. Do you guys prefer Tsunade or Orochimaru?"

"Hm," Sasuke leaned his head against the bench, "Orochimaru is said to be stronger. He knows more jutsu than both the other Sannin combined. And I've heard his summoning techniques are the very highest."

Sakura hestitated for a moment before speaking. "Tsunade's not weak, either! She knows medical ninjutsu, which will be useful if Naruto ever gets injured so badly he can't heal himself. And she's got more leverage over Jiraiya than Orochimaru does, since Jiraiya is dependent on her prostitutes while Orochimaru needs Jiraiya's assassin squads. For practical purposes, we should choose Tsunade, even if she's not as strong."

Kakashi shrugged. "She's got a point."

Sasuke said nothing, choosing to withdraw again.

_Oh, I hope Sasuke-kun isn't mad at me for disagreeing…_

Naruto flexed his claws. His eyes opened, blue as the noonday sea. "I agree with Sakura. How do we do this?"

"Well, I don't think we'll have to worry about another attempt today. The loss of twenty assassins, three of them jounin, will hurt even Jiraiya. He'll need to regroup and shore up his defenses, since his forces are diminished. In the meantime, you guys should move in – Sasuke, remember to show them around – and meet me tomorrow here at six in the morning."

Sasuke nodded. "Right. We'll meet you here at _nine_ in the morning."

* * *

Tsunade crossed her arms as she stared at them over her desk. "You want my patronage." 

"That is correct, Tsunade-sama."

She turned around, staring at the sudden rain which had swept the city, beading on her window. "As a matter of fact, there _is _actually a problem I need resolved. It's only come up recently…if you succeed, I will shelter the boy. There will, of course, be no payment."

"Of course, Tsunade-sama. The task?" Kakashi's good eye stared at her, unflinching, though apprehension was evident in his stance.

"I am allied with the Yamanaka family. Their daughter, Ino, has just been kidnapped."

Sasuke's left eye turned wine-red.

Beyond the glass, lightning struck and thunder shivered the air. For a moment their world became shadow and white. Sakura felt a chill crawl down her spine and settle, humming, into the small of her back.

* * *

**Reference Notes:  
**

**Kunai Launcher: **One of the two substitutes for guns in this world (the other being the Shuriken Catapult). Crossbow-like weapon with a slanted rectangular tube down the center, into which strings of kunai are fed. Fires kunai at a speed of over 200 mph, users usually carry over thirty kunai. Kunai launchers, like most technological items, employ energy seals formed from Caul-harvested chakra that give them a usable lifespan of 5000 shots.

**Caul chakra** is the foundation of all industry in the Land of Fire, used as a source of all-purpose energy when electricity will not work. It can be infused into materials to strengthen, lighten, or sharpen them; assemble goods from raw materials via chakra streams, and manipulate or negate the physical forces (gravity, friction, etc).

It is measured in **shitan **(no plural form). 1 shintan a minute's worth of chakra extracted from 1 Caul, equivalent to the amount of chakra an average shinobi can produce in an hour. A month's worth of chakra (43,200 **shitan**), the amount most Caul-dwellers produce before dying, is referred to as a **shinzui**. A single shitan can fuel the equivalent of a C-rank jutsu.

A single **shitan **is worth 1 ryou, or 16 shu (shu are equivalent to our dollars). Thus, Kakuzu's clinic makes roughly $560 million per year. The cost of a **shinzui** is known as the **life-price, **and it is used by the Hokage Council as the monetary value of the average citizen's life, when determining policy.

And you thought politics in our world was dirty.

A slave is considered to be worth 1/10 as much outside the Cauls as he is inside, so a healthy adult male retails for about 70,000 shu.

Tsukikage contains about 1,600,000 _shitan_, as it is the Uchiha ancestral blade. Its scabbard contains 2,400,000 _shitan_.

The average citizen consumes less than 3 of one _shitan _daily, as most of their needs are met by electricity (solar panels).

* * *

A/N: Next chapter, pairings should start evolving; romance will be an important part of the plot in this fic, though it won't dominate. I still hold to my original statements about pairings: if I mention it, you won't be disappointed.

Look up Sakura's jutsus if you don't know what they do. The first one is Shodaime's (Niidaime's in the anime) Absolute Darkness genjutsu, while the second is Tsunade's Nerve Rewire Technique.

Yeah, she pwns, but those are two of her strongest moves. The only techniques she's got that are better are her unique jutsus (well, one's not unique, but no one else uses it for a while, because it's really rare).

**Genjutsu: Review Compelling Technique! **


	7. Omake Series 1, Part 1

A/N: Holycrap I'm bored. Have you listened to Mulan's "I'll Make a Man Out of You?" If you haven't, go listen to it now. Youtube's got tons of copies. If you have, go listen to it again, because it's incredible. Disney music rox my socks off and yes, I can admit that, I am just _that _secure in my masculinity.

That song inspired this omake. Actually, _series _of omakes. You see, I decided that it was too much work to come up with a different subject every omake, so by extending concepts I can do less work, AND make fun of more stuff over time. Hm…Shikamaru must be rubbing off on me, I've been watching the Chuunin exams too much. Long, LONG omake this time.

Oh by the way did I mention that I am HAPPY because you guys are such awesome reviewers? Well, probably not, so here goes: You guys are awesome reviewers!

And remember, kids: study smarter, not harder.

**Warning: This is an omake. It does not actually happen in the plot of the story. **

* * *

_Parodying time-travel fics is FUN!_

_-Me_

* * *

_Oooooh…Narutoooooooo…_

"Gr…what's there? I'm not…not done killing this guy…" Naruto yawned, sitting up in bed, one claw rubbing bleary eyes.

He saw what appeared to be a ghost.

"AH! A GHOST! SAVE ME!!!"

The unstoppable killing machine scooted away to the edge of his futon, trembling at the sight of one of the _undead_. In the Uchiha complex, muttered groans and shrieks of annoyance rang through the halls as Sasuke and Sakura both awakened.

_I am the ghost of Christmas Future…_

"AHHHHHHHHHH! Wait, what's Christmas?"

_It doesn't matter…Arrgh, this voice is so damn hard to maintain! _With a sound like cathedrals being rent in two, the fearsome ghost ripped off his cowl, revealing a bony, white skull.

"AH! A SKULL!"

"Oh, shut up."

Naruto stopped talking (for once), trembling in his (blood-red) pajamas.

"Look, here's the deal. I don't want to be here any more than you do, kid, but I've got to eat too and Christmas only comes once per freaking year. So this is just a temporary gig.

"You've angered the flying spaghetti monster by consuming so many of his avatars."

"Spag-what?"

"Spaghetti. It's like ramen."

"RAMEN? WHERE?"

"See what I mean? You're a bloodthirsty monster that devours spaghetti indiscriminately, so you and your team will have to be punished. Well, except for Kakashi, he's administering your punishment."

"Pu-pu-pu-PUNISHMENT?"

"Well, not really. The FSM is too lazy for that. But, um, he doesn't like you in this dimension, so he's sending you to a different dimension, run by someone known as 'that bastard Kishimoto.' So, off you go!"

Hatake Kakashi appeared in the doorway, Sharingan exposed. There was a pinwheel design instead of the usual swirling commas, and the veins in his eye were numerous and bloodshot.

"Sorry, Naruto, trading you guys for the Mangekyou Sharingan was totally worth it."

He made the seal of the Monkey.

"Ama-no-Uzume: Dimension Transfer Jutsu!"

"Wait! Come back here! You can't just teleport me to a-"

"Haha! Too late. Icha Icha Universe, here I come!" Kakashi rubbed his hands together gleefully, waving goodbye to Naruto before turning to the opposite wall and forming the seal again.

_Perverted bastard! Trading away our lives for some sort of idiotic fantasy! _

The walls dissolved into scintillating spine-waves and then he found himself spinning, spinning, into an endless void…

---

"Oof!"

"Looks like he's here too."

"Naruto, are you okay?"

The Demon from the Cauls sat up, brushing dirt from his ramen-bowl patterned boxers. "Yeah, I think so."

He looked around. They were in a dingy, dusty place with pitifully short buildings and cheerful painted fences. Trees abounded, and the air was crisp, smelled of crackling leaves and apples.

"Where the hell are we?"

Sasuke's nosed tightened in annoyance. "Apparently, we've been sent to some sort of…alternate dimension. Kakashi turned us in for power, the bastard."

"What!" Naruto's eyes blazed red. "The next time I see him, I'll-"

"Shut up. People are coming." Sasuke darted into an alley. "Come on!" He hissed, pulling Naruto in behind him.

Sakura nodded and dove into the alley as well, landing on top of her blond teammate.

"Oof!"

"Am I really that heavy?"

"Er…of course not, Sakura…chan!" Naruto chuckled amiably and attempted to put a hand behind his head. _Man, this view ROCKS. _

Sasuke coughed, almost turning red. "Sakura-"

He was stopped as an intense spike of killing intent shot through his collarbone. Turning, he nodded slowly to the red-eyed shinobi. _Fine, but she'll catch you. _

Sakura stood, offering a hand to Naruto. He grabbed it, un-crushing Sasuke, and the three of them picked dust off their sleepwear. Sasuke was wearing a black shirt with the Uchiha fan emblazoned on the back and sides over tan boxers with – you guessed it – the Uchiha fan emblazoned across the front.

Sakura was wearing a nightie, almost transparent, and a pink bra and panties, the latter of which Naruto had gotten very familiar with a few seconds before.

"It looks like we're stuck in some sort of retarded kiddie universe with little to no technology," Sasuke remarked, peering out the alley.

Sakura nodded. "Our first priority should be to find clothes and food."

Naruto stroked a hairless chin. "Almost right, Sakura. Our first priority should be _weapons _and food. Someone might attack us! You don't have any bandages, and Sasuke's worthless without his sword. I'm not fighting on an empty stomach, so let's get moving!"

"Naruto, you look like an imbecile with ramen bowls on your shorts. The quickest way to prevent combat is to blend in."

"Who said anything about _deterring _fights?"

Sakura forced down the urge to punch her teammate. "Look, I don't know about you, Naruto, but Sasuke-kun and I are going to a clothing store, first."

"No."

"Huh?"

"Naruto's too stupid to be left alone. He comes with us."

Naruto strode up to them, raising his voice. "What? Don't _I_ get any say in this?"

"NO!" Sakura replied, forehead looming.

A kindly old man peeked his head into the alley. "Er, what's going on here, youngsters?"

His eyes widened at the sight of Sakura's backside. "Guhhhh…"

"PERVERT!" Sakura unleashed all her pent-up frustration at Naruto on the poor geezer.

---

Morning had just crept over the horizon, and the sun slashed rays of aureate glass through the dissolving haze of night. The streets were basil-blue and tangerine, faded shadows etching themselves long and thin across packed dirt and brazen paint.

They had gotten a few weird looks on the street and in the store, but the Uchiha glare prevented anyone from actually questioning them. Dressed in facsimiles of their normal outfits, they exited, the boys with sunglasses resting over their eyes.

Naruto pressed a finger on the bridge of the glasses, sliding them halfway down. "Man, it's so great to look cool again."

Sasuke's "Hn." was more than a little sarcastic. Luckily Naruto had no emotional sensitivity whatsoever and took it as agreement. He beamed widely.

Sakura half-scoffed. _Are you a ninja or not? _She had used genjutsu to modify her features and hair color, slightly slimming down her forehead and changing her locks to an exotic green. _Maybe Sasuke-kun will appreciate this new look. _

Just then, a short blond kid with fuzzy hair dressed in a hideous orange jumpsuit passed by, obviously excited. He had three light whisker marks on each chin and vibrant, sky-blue eyes.

Naruto looked aghast. "That's-that's _Diet Naruto?_ What's with that jumpsuit?" He whispered in a harsh, obnoxiously loud tone. Luckily, the economy version of Naruto was out of earshot.

Sakura grinned. _He's actually kind of cute, like a teddy bear or something. _

Sasuke started _giggling. _It was creepy. Naruto looked at him as if he had suddenly turned into a giant asparagus, then began inching away.

After Sasuke had quieted down and they had endured five minutes of awkward silence, Naruto spoke up.

"I'm hungry. Let's get some weapons."

The weapons shop owner looked at them critically. Specifically, he looked at Naruto's Caul Marks.

"What, you got something against tattoos, old man?" The Demon flicked his sunglasses down to reveal eyes like crucibles, flaring a small bit of killing intent.

"Er…of course not, young master. In fact, what say I give you three a first-time discount? Fifty percent sound good?"

In the back of the store, Tenten dropped the kunais she was polishing. She had never felt such an awesome killing intent before…

Sasuke had spent the last ten minutes grumbling about the weight, dullness, and sheer _inelegance _of his sword. Naruto had spent the better part of those ten minutes assaulting Sasuke's sexuality, while Sakura had been trying to find them a place to eat.

"You know what? This is stupid." Having exhausted his arsenal of "Sasugay" jokes, Naruto assumed a debauched lotus position on the ground and crossed his arms, nodded authoritatively.

"I can smell food, and we can just steal it! It's not as if their laws count against us!"

Sasuke shrugged. "Their ninja appear to be pretty weak. Many are complacent and spend their time painting or walking dogs…and we spent all the money we took from that old man."

"It's a plan! Er, how are we going to find Sakura?"

"Don't worry about it."

Sasuke pulled a long, cylindrical object out of his boxers.

"What is _that_?"

"It's a summoning scroll, idiot. I keep a copy on me at night in case I'm attacked. It's small enough to hide, unlike my sword."

"Hm." Naruto grunted. "Good idea."

Sasuke bit his forefinger and streaked it down the scroll, then sent it fluttering in the air.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

A small "poof" accompanied the eight ninja dogs as they appeared, stacked in a pyramid. "What do ya want, Kakashi- wait, you're not Kakashi!"

_So Kakashi exists in this universe as well? Good. Perhaps there is a way out of this ludicrous situation. _

"No, I'm not. Listen, I need you to locate the sixteen year old girl, Haruno Sakura. She smells like- Naruto, let Pakkun smell your face."

"Uh…okay…"

Pakkun sniffed the feral shinobi's face. "Hm. She uses the same shampoo as me."

"…Right. Anyway, go find her and lead her to us. We'll be moving shortly. The rest of you, dismissed."

Naruto strolled indolently around town, sniffing. "Hm…I think I smell bento boxes near a large stone or metal…sculpture, I think? It's too small to be a building."

"Well, fearless leader, show me the way."

Like a bloodhound, Naruto pointed towards the Training Grounds.

"Good boy." It was times like these, when Sasuke could lacerate morons with impunity, his cold, semi-dead heart began to stir with a ghostly semblance of that which could, in a certain light, almost be called _life_.

When they reached the actual monument, though, they were confronted by a sight they had definitely not expected to see. Before their younger counterparts could recognize them, Sasuke grabbed Naruto and pulled a Shunshin into the forest.

"What was that for-gwahhh!" Naruto growled as Sasuke clapped a hand over his jaws.

"Be quiet, baka. They'll spot us and we haven't got a plan. Are we going to introduce ourselves as total strangers or as ourselves?"

"Well, I'm not that good at acting…" Naruto ran a finger over his whisker marks apprehensively.

"And no one else really looks like me. Why don't we just say that we're from the future?"

_For some strange reason, neither of them thought to consider the possibility of quantum fluxes and spacetime paradoxes. Thus, none of those complicated, story-spoiling phenomenon existed. _

"Well, I suppose even _your _twelve-year-old brain wouldn't have too much trouble understanding that."

"Sasuke, I can rip your head off with my index finger."

---

Uzumaki Naruto (hereafter referred to as "Diet Naruto") stared sullenly forward. "Late…he's LATE!"

Diet Sasuke slumped against his pack, eyes at half-mast, while Diet Sakura paced incessantly backwards and forwards. "Did we come to the wrong place?"

Suddenly, their half-dazed melancholy was interrupted by two figures, the first dressed all in black, the second with a blue overcoat. The sun reflected brilliantly off their dark glasses as they approached Team Seven. Bentos were held with nonchalant poise on their hands.

The world slowed and began to spin as coolness so thick it was _tangible _spread from them like ripples in a still pond. One had a fierce mane of jagged, golden hair; the other carried a porcelain-sheathed katana at his side.

Diet Naruto perked up. _By Ramen…they're cool! Why can't my teacher be cool like them, instead of a lazy masked guy who falls for easy pranks and is always late? _

It was a testament to their coolness that Diet Naruto had managed to subvocalize such a long sentence.

Diet Sasuke was similarly affected. _They look like they could kill Itachi. The sheer power radiating from them…is this a Jounin? _

Diet Sakura had found the new centers of her universe. Hearts in her eyes, hands clasped in front of her, she silently exulted: _Ino, you can have Sasuke! These two demigods- no, _gods _are mine! _

The blond one slowly removed his sunglasses.

"Yo."

_Omigod he talked to me! _Diet Sakura promptly fainted.

"Whoa…you're COOL! What's your name?" Diet Naruto jumped up, fist punching the air, absolutely brimming with eagerness.

The golden-haired shinobi smiled, and they saw the six black talons on the sides of his face. "My name?" (His voice was a lion rumbling, fire over water, stones tumbling forward over plains of blood, a thunderclap on the sunset.)

A smile slid over his features like daybreak. "Uzumaki Naruto. From the future."

Diet Sasuke blanched. _No…no way. I refuse to believe it. Time travel? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And to think that Naruto would rise to that level of power…it's unacceptable. _

Diet Naruto was leaned forward, jaw completely slack.

"_Really?!_"

He sounded giddy, nearly exploding with anticipation.

"Yup. Four years from now, _you _will be _me_."

"DATTEBAYO!!!" Now Diet Naruto really did explode, running overjoyed around the training grounds, Kakashi the furthest thing from his mind. _One day, I will be that cool! They definitely won't be able to doubt me as the future Hokage! _

"Hold up," the smaller Uchiha said. "How do we know you're not lying? This could be a Henge, or-"

"We're not lying." Sasuke took off his sunglasses, Sharingan spinning. _Believe it! _

The hypnotic suggestion took hold of Diet Sasuke's mind, and the young boy fell against his backpack. _Somehow, I know he's not lying...it must be my subconscious mind trying to tell me something. _

Diet Sasuke coughed. "Itachi…is he dead yet?"

"No. I'm on my way there, though. Within another year, perhaps two, I will surpass him. And then, honor shall be restored to our clan." Sasuke struck a cool-looking pose.

The two Narutos had tuned out this somber interrogation, as they were huddled together laughing to each other. Suddenly the older one stood up, putting his paws around the younger one's shoulders.

"Listen up, me. You've got a long way to go, and the first step is losing that jumpsuit."

"B-but-"

"No buts! If you want me to teach you, you'll live by my example!" Naruto buffed his fingernails against his chest, dazzling Diet Naruto with his awe-inspiring aura.

"OSSU!" Diet Naruto ran off to the clothing store, intent on copying himself completely. The image of himself at sixteen had been branded into his mind indelibly, a veritable living sun.

He made it back to the training grounds just as Diet Sakura was beginning to wake up. "Neh, Sakura-chan, are you okay?"

"Oh, hi Naruto…where are the two men that were just here before?" _They weren't just a dream, were they? _she thought desperately. Sakura poked her head behind Naruto's and began scanning the trees.

She saw them to the side, conversing with a women that had long, elegant green hair. _Oh no! Are they already taken? Well, there's only one girl... _

_Don't tell me she has BOTH of them?_

Suddenly, all three turned around and looked at Team Seven. The woman formed a Release seal.

"Kai."

/Sexy no Jutsu Music starts playing/

Diet Naruto's eyes expanded hugely. _Is that…is that Sakura-chan from the future? _A dribble of blood began to leak out of his nose. _Black…bandages…_

The older Naruto spoke, voice booming. "So, like I said earlier, we're you from the future after using a time-travel jutsu."

Diet Sakura, who had been ignorant of this, nearly suffered a brain implosion. _I…THAT MAN IS NARUTO??? _

Inner Sakura pitched in, a pout on her white-scrawled face. _No way! He's joking. _

True Sakura continued, a kind smile on her face. "We can't tell you why or how we got here, only that we were sent to train you in order to counter a…great threat. So, let's split up-"

"What is this?" A silver-haired ninja had wandered on the scene, honestly confused.

With glacial slowness, the older three turned to look at him.

"_Hatake…_

_Kakashi..." _

Hatred was seared like a brand upon their diamond-hard eyes. A combined killing intent so inhumanely massive, the Copy Ninja could not budge a leg, filled the air.

"Tajuu Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

"Raishinsho!"

"RAIKIRI!"

* * *

"Review!" 

Man, did I spoil you guys this weekend. THREE freaking updates in three days, each over 2500 words! What am I thinking?

Don't expect other omakes in the series to be this long; this one was the intro, and I needed to get everything set up. I'll skip from series to series occasionally, depending on which one best fits the current chapter.


	8. Blood Whirlpool

A/N: Yawn. Man I'm tired. Staying up late to finish chapters isn't a very good idea...

* * *

_Ah, summer grasses!_

_All that remains_

_of the warriors' dreams._

_-Basho _

* * *

Smoke hung in the air like white-blanched rust. 

The room was dingy, poorly-lit (a single, guttering lick of light from the chakra strip on the ceiling), and smelled of oil-slip alcohol and deep-leeched brine. She could barely see through the haze, and the barstools were a sickly hospital green, cracked with age and covered with (were those bloodstains?) imitation leather.

She coughed, once, twice, bandaged knuckles against her lips. The air was thick and hard, like plaster over-dried, and the fog of smoke made her eyes water.

Naruto cleaved through the miasma like a floodlight through water, striding easily to the front and smacking a palm down on the smoothly-wiped, splotchy-wood counter. "Oy, old man! Can I get some ramen over here?"

A shuffling in the back; the other patrons turned to regard them with diffident irritation. She bit her lip, eyes darting about. _Very slight killing intent coming from them..._

Sakura wasn't comfortable here.

Naruto thumped the counter again, turning to look at her. "Sakura, you coming?"

"Oh, right! Sorry, Naruto." She half-jogged over to him and sat down, palm over her mouth.

An old, almost-balding man appeared out of the back room and greeted Naruto, deftly plucking a chef's hat from the rack and placing it on his head.

"It's been a while, Boss. What do you need?"

Naruto's eyes narrowed to deadly red slits. "Ramen first, talk later."

Seemingly unaffected by the enormous _ki_ his Boss radiated, the bartender simply nodded and grinned.

"Hai, hai. One for your girlfriend, too?"

_Girlfriend?! _

Sakura quickly hid her look of staggered indignation. Naruto, perceptive as a fox, had seen it, the corner of his eye raised in a laugh.

"Oh, I dunno, old man. Is the ramen good today? I can only accept the best for my 'girlfriend.'"

Her eyes twitched, almost imperceptibly. _I'm going to get even for this, freakishly powerful killing intent or not! _

Suddenly, a sculpted muscular arm slid around her, and she loosed an involuntary yelp as his forearm snaked over the sensitive nape of her neck. It felt as warm as a lick of flame. Naruto had taken off his jacket, wearing only the sleeve-torn muscle shirt. He pulled her close and _squeezed_.

"Isn't that right, Sakura-_chan_?" The shit-eating grin revealed sharp, sharp teeth.

_Now you're having way too much fun! _

Sakura tittered, glad she didn't have to simulate her pounding heart, and said, with faked enthusiasm:

"Of course, Naruto!" A forced smile, nervous giggles. Kami, she sucked at acting.

_If only it were Sasuke-kun, then I wouldn't need to act! _

"Young love is so romantic…" The (probably perverted) bartender sighed, clasping a hand to his heart.

"Oh, young master, I'm so glad you've finally found someone! I was worried, you know, ever since Kimimaro-sama left on that journey of his…Ah, it brings back memories of me and Mari, before I…she…"

His face fell, glistening, coal-dark eyes under the thin, creeping light. Naruto looked vaguely concerned, retracting his powerfully corded arm (the muscles rippled and flowed like water-smoothed stone) and placing his giant palm on the man's shoulder.

"Sorry, Teuchi. I shouldn't have been so careless, bringing Sakura-chan here. I just…got overexcited, I guess." When contrite, Naruto sounded like a beaten hound. His eyes were a compassionate blue, bright in the ailing luminance.

"It's not a problem, young master. I mean, Ayame was leaving with Goro, too, and my finances are finally in order…I guess it's just nostalgia, or regret, that Ichiraku's is finally closing shop. The Pit's nowhere to raise a family. It's certainly not a place to die. " The man's weatherbroken voice nearly cracked as he finished, looking downwards.

Sakura felt a pang of sympathy for the old man. _What would it be like, living down here, with all the weight of the world to crush you? _

Naruto managed a sort of wobbly half-smile, remembering that Ichiraku's money supply had never been very good - it had been propped up by one loyal customer for the last few years.

It was good that the geezer finally had enough socked away to close up the shop. Working at sixty-three in the Pit was asking for trouble, anyway.

"Old man…"

"Ah, what am I saying? Come on, eat up, eat up!" Desperately bright, Teuchi gripped his ladle hard as he brought two bowls of steaming ramen over the counter, pressing them forward. His eyes flicked over to her for a moment, filled with – regret? - before they fled downwards, staring at the bar-top.

With a heroic effort of will he straightened out his face, eyes shining, and saluted Naruto once before picking up his washcloth and swabbing down the serving counter.

"It'll probably be your last meal here, boss."

Naruto, for once sensing the atmosphere, nodded resolutely. He opened his chopsticks in feral, reverent anticipation.

"Itadakimasu!"

He tore into the ramen bowl in a savage frenzy, devouring huge quantities of the stuff in great, atavistic gulps. Sakura smiled slightly, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. She picked up a cracked porcelain spoon and took a melancholy sip of the soup.

Her eyes flashed open as medical chakra alarms flashed through her body. The liquid was bitter on her tongue.

_Poison. Judging from the taste, texture, and saline gradient, it's EXO-479. Two mouthfuls can kill a boar elephant. _

She swallowed the moderate amount in her mouth, the broth coursing like acid down her throat. _A ninja must always remain composed in the face of potential foes. _Dabbing with a handkerchief at the sides of her lips, she touched Naruto on the shoulder.

"Ano…Naruto?"

"What?" Torn from his feeding frenzy, he glared at her, pupils dilated.

_Oh no, it's already began. _

"Can I…talk to you in the bathroom?"

"The…bathroom?"

"Yes, it's-" She lowered her voice to a dramatic whisper. "about us. It's urgent."

"Eh, okay." He regarded her suspiciously as he pushed away the half-consumed ninth bowl of ramen.

They walked into the female bathroom, boots over cracked tile. She lowered her voice, eyes serious.

"Naruto…there's poison in the ramen."

He stiffened, glaring at her with a mix of anger and confusion. "It's not _that _bad, Sakura…jeez, if you don't like it, I'll eat it."

She shook her head, frantically. "No, Naruto, I really mean it! The ramen is poisoned! It's EXO-479, a potent type of-"

He held up a hand, shaking his head. "No, no, Sakura, I can't accept it. There's no way old man Ichiraku would poison me! Why would he do it?"

She sighed, was about to speak… A wave of draining nausea overwhelmed her and the world pitched to the side and she flung out her hand, far, far, into the reeling green, and her palm slapped coldly against the linoleum of the wall and she _breathed. _

"Hey, hey, Sakura-chan, are you okay?" Firm, powerful hands were gripped around her shoulders, shaking slightly, and she batted them feebly away.

"Didn't…have…to be…Ichiraku…assassins…good…could have slipped…it in…" Her lids fought to stay open. _Don't sleep. Don't sleep. Whatever you do, don't slee-urgh! _

The world threw itself upside down and she fell against the clammy chill of the fountain and vomited, green and white and dark-stained brown, into the swaying pit of the sink and then the world started to spin slower.

_Purged maybe half of it. Enzymes will have to do the rest…_Head buzzing, she directed a thin flow of chakra to her stomach, willing her digestive organs to tear the poison apart, rend it into harmless component pieces to be shunted away and analyzed later.

_So fast…barely 126 seconds after ingestion…must be some kind of rapid bloodline penetration…_

She turned to look at her partner.

Naruto was drooping like a willow in a storm, hand held in front of him, eyes shifting drowsily from side to side, sweat beading on his scar marks and pupils huge.

_Oh no…it's getting to him! _There was enough poison in his bloodstream to kill a small village – even the Demon of the Cauls couldn't survive such an inhuman overdose. It would be enough to kill Kakuzu-_shishou_!

In the condition she was in, treatment would be near-impossible, and first aid almost pointless. She had to get them to a secure medical center, the best…her teacher's, or Tsunade's. No one else had a chance of extracting the deadly poison before it killed him.

"Naruto…Naruto!" She latched furiously, frenziedly on his arm, frantically tugging at his huge sweat-filmed muscles, brow locked in concentration – the world was twisting and fuzzy at the sides – and finally with a backbreaking effort she managed to throw them both through the door.

"Sakura-chan?" Mumbled through nerveless lips, his eyes barely rimmed by blue… "You're pretty."

He sounded wondering, awed, as if it were his first time seeing the stars at night. She felt somethingrise in her collarbone, something hot and burning-red against her chest, but there was no time to _feel_, only to _go_, keep going, to Tsunade, to _someone_ who would make things okay.

Out now into the hallway, and oh the light was so bright it hurt, stumbling past dirt-speckled floors and through the broken doorframe and out into the main bar and there it was.

Kunai launcher pointed at her throat, shining-hard in the dim treacherous light. She wanted to cry, but bit it back down because a kunoichi was strong like that, a kunoichi _did not show emotion_.Half-defeated eyes scanned the room and found a half-dozen figures armed – had she been so careless, to forget the 'other patrons?' – and worse, worst of all was the man behind the counter.

_Naruto can't see this. He shouldn't die seeing this. _

She moved her fingers to block his eyes but it was too late. Raw hurt was plainer on his features than a bleeding wound – the hurt of innocence lost, of trust betrayed, of a child punched in the gut. It was the first time he appeared to be in actual pain and she thought, _that expression is wrong for him_.

Naruto was a creature of joy and passions, sunlight and fire, savage artistry and iron devotion. He was obnoxious sometimes and irrational all the time but he was never hurt. He was never laid low, never pitiable, never _defeated_.

_Please let this not be happening. _

"Oh kami…oh boss, I'm so sorry, I'm just…there was money, and I needed a dowry for Ayame – man's got to pay his daughter's dowry, now, doesn't he? He's got to- to keep face, is all we can ask for, keep face, feed his family, I…I don't know, I just…Jiraiya…I'm sorry, Naruto. I'm sorry." And Teuchi fell to his knees, bones cracking against the floor, the kunai launcher limp in his hand.

A surge of raw power ripped through the room, a sparkplug to her mind, fireworks on her vision, and when it cleared there was only slow, wavering red and Naruto had become the Demon.

He stood straight, and the poison literally _misted _off his body in hissing waves of steam, repulsed by an anima so immense it formed a vicious red aura around his frame. His eyes were blood stars, mournful in their fury.

When he spoke, it was laced with a hatred so intense she flinched.

"_Jiraiya._"

And then he moved, harvester through grain, whirlwind against straw, lion amongst sheep, and they died and died and died and died.

She fell to a crouch, clutching her own shoulders, shivering, eyes wide and scared as she fought the nausea again, light-headedness pulling at her, and then she closed her eyes because she did not want to see the blood.

When she opened them again Naruto's hair was orange (red plus yellow? She shuddered) and he was cleaning up the gore painted on the walls with methodical sorrow. He finished the far side and came to a stop over Teuchi's decapitated frame.

(He had not noticed she was awake)

"Old man," he began, and his voice did not tremble, "I will avenge you. This wasn't your fault. This was the world, and the Pit, and Jiraiya, and I will destroy them, I will pull it down, all of it, and make it anew, and better, and justice…justice will be more than a dream! I swear it on your memory – I will make things right."

And then he cried, huge, wracking, impossible (for how could a Demon cry?) sobs that convulsed his body and left him trembling, like a child, on the ground.

She crawled over to him and noticed that her cheeks were wet too (_she was crying but oh, she didn't care_) so she pulled him to her and buried her face in the crook of his neck and ran her hands through his red-soaked mane and inhaled blood and salt and cinnamon and hugged him.

And they stayed that way until her eyelids went heavy and she slipped into merciful sleep.

* * *

"_She's their only heir, so if she's killed, the clan will have to raise and protect a new one while her parents are on the wane…it's not a good situation. I believe she's being held somewhere near the fiftieth level. Find her, retrieve her if she's not dead. There were no demands, no contacts – I want to know what's going on!" _

And so Sasuke had went with Kakashi and Sakura with Naruto, to find themselves a flower girl.

Instead, he had found an irritation.

"_You _abducted her, Neji?"

"Team Gai did, yes. We are being paid quite handsomely for the service."

"You will tell me where she is kept."

"_You_ will speak with more respect. I am a Hyuuga."

"You are annoying."

"You are within the range of my divination."

And so the battle had begun, and from that beginning Sasuke had been losing. Neji hit harder, faster than any opponent Sasuke had encountered before. The Byakugan made multidirectional attacks nearly useless, and his Jyuuken had already disabled thirty-one of Sasuke's tenketsu.

The Uchiha had managed to stay in the fight with a few strategic genjutsu, but even with Sharingan assistance these were quickly broken. Neji had an additional year's worth of combat experience, and Sasuke could not copy the Byakugan.

Kakashi was tied up with Gai, and the third and forth members of their cell were not to be seen – Sasuke could only assume they were guarding Ino, wherever she was.

Steeling himself, Sasuke charged again, blade held high, scabbard feinting low.

"Ground Circle: Hawk Dives from Perch!" The katana fell with dizzying speed as the scabbard swept for Neji's knees – a technique designed to score a killing blow by securing the high ground.

His white-eyed opponent was no so easily duped, and the spinning defense perimeter of the _kaiten _threw Sasuke back, gasping for breath. _His chakra efficiency, control, and reserves are all exceptional. He is not lacking in talent. _

Hyuugas had only one weakness: they believed there was no defense they could not penetrate, no attack they could not repel. Their clan techniques were powerful, but they vastly overrated the usefulness of their own jutsu…the Sharingan was, after all, superior in almost every way.

"Ground Circle: Baboon Desperate Strike!" Tomoe cycling madly, he charged with last-ditch energy, throwing his blade in an awkward arc towards his foe. Hyuuga Neji scoffed, lazily sidestepping the attack. The sword clattered uselessly to the ground, mere inches behind Neji.

Sasuke continued on his suicidal charge, now bringing his scabbard to bear in a clumsy low stance.

"RAIKIRI!"

Neji smiled. _So, this is the signature assassination technique of Sharingan Kakashi. I'm glad to have seen it…and found it wanting. How are you supposed to assassinate anyone with a technique that obnoxiously loud? _

Sasuke's stance was full of openings. Neji launched a powerful forward palm at the Uchiha's core, aiming to shut down his heart.

He did not have time to gasp in pain as his palm was skewered by a sword, ten inches of flawless steel staring him in the eye.

_What? _

"Kawarimi…no Jutsu?" _My blindspot! _

"Exactly." And Sasuke placed his hand clean through Neji's lower left side, and Hyuuga blood spilled like wine over the veined marble tiles.

_There's always so much blood with this technique. I'll have to get this shirt dry-cleaned again..._

And one thousand birds sang their victory.

Neji coughed up a thick glot of blood and spat it on the ground.

"Fate...is against you. Even if you defeat me...there is one who you can never defeat..."

"Hn. I could 'never' have defeated you, either. Fate works in interesting ways."

"You fail to understand. He is the strongest member of our team, stronger than me, stronger than Gai-sensei, stronger even than your Demon. You do not stand a chance against Rock Lee."

* * *

Review for Lee! He's awesome. 

Mmhm...I was originally planning on holding off posting another omake until Friday, but I think I have a better idea. Since the new omake series seems fairly popular, I'll post the next installment _tomorrow_ if I get at least 75 percent of my alerts in reviews (yes, it's the same bribe as last time). Then on Friday I'll release the next real chapter, and maybe we'll have another one of those three days-three updates things if the new chapters are popular enough.

Next time on Time-Travel Mockery: Will Kakashi die a horribly gruesome death? Will Naruto ever manage to convince Diet Shikamaru that time travel is actually possible? Will Diet Sakura ever stop fainting? How many times will I make Sasuke shout "RAIKIRI!"?

Er, I don't know. Ask me tomorrow or something.


	9. Omake Series 1, Part 2

A/N: One day early! Eh, I kinda cut off the Shikamaru part because it was getting too long, so that might be in the next installment.

* * *

"So…let me get this straight." Kakashi, sprawled on the ground, eyed them warily, attempting to talk over the Raikiri at his throat.

"You want me to…go make a best friend, and then kill him?"

They nodded.

"Eh…hehe…Why?"

Sasuke cleared his throat. "Because if you don't, we'll kill you."

Naruto smacked him upside the head. "That won't work, you bastard! Kakashi will just run away."

"And you have a better idea, baka?"

The Demon grinned fiendishly. He rummaged around in Kakashi's jounin vest before pulling out an orange book.

"That's my…no…" The copy-nin's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't…sink so low, would you?"

Sakura froze him with a glare like emeralds over ice. "That stupid book got us into this mess, so it seems fitting that it'd get us out!"

Naruto stuffed the book into an inside pocket. "If you don't do as we say…well, Sasuke, just show him."

"Katon: Gokyaku no Jutsu!"

Trembling, Kakashi lowered his head in defeat. "Alright. I'll do it."

* * *

"Alright, these guys were supposed to have passed some sort of test in order to qualify as genin…but since we already know we're qualified, I say screw that!" Naruto nodded assertively, crossing his arms.

Sakura was more hesitant. "Are we sure, though? This universe is soft…we may not be ready."

"At any rate," Sasuke began, "we don't have much time. They need to be trained so that no one realizes Kakashi's not their teacher. And we're going to need someone skilled at genjutsu to pretend to be him and do the paperwork."

Sakura blanched. "No way, let's just make him do the paperwork, too. If we threaten Icha Icha again he'll have no choice."

The Uchiha shrugged. "Works for me. He's lazy, though."

Naruto smiled. "I think we've found enough ways to…motivate him."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Sakura gushed, "I want to meet chibi-me!"

And she dashed off towards the training grounds.

Sasuke stared solemnly at the ground for a few minutes. Looking at his twelve-year-old self…it was almost like having a younger brother. _Itachi, is this how you felt? _

…_I will surpass you. You were a crap older brother anyway. _

"Hn." Serenely, he began to pace after Sakura.

"Alright!" Naruto shot an arm in the air, then crouched and exploded off the ground, powerful hind legs launching him straight towards their three unsuspecting clones.

Diet Naruto had been arguing with Diet Sasuke over which one of their future selves was stronger, while Diet Sakura had been attempting to get them to stop fighting, because it was confusing her.

_Shannaro! Who should I proclaim my love to? Naruto is so…eww, but his future self…_

She sighed melodramatically, clasping her hands above her heart.

"Ano sa, ano sa," Diet Naruto turned to Diet Sakura. "Sakura-chan, which one of us from the future is stronger?"

_WHAT? Baka! Why'd you have to go and ask me? Oh…I can't offend Sasuke-kun, but I need to be nice to Naruto, too- UGH! This is too difficult. I'll just have to choose one! _

Tired of waiting for her answer, her teammates began squabbling again.

"I'm stronger!"

"Dobe, I'm stronger."

"I'm stronger Dattebayo!"

"I'm stronger."

"No way, I'm definitely stronger!"

"…why am I talking to you?"

And Diet Sasuke turned away, crossing his hands over his head.

"Ha! You forfeit!" Diet Naruto pointed at Diet Sasuke's back, laughing hysterically.

_Ehhh…I think I choose Sasuke-kun. There's just no way Naruto will ever grow up to be _Him, _it just doesn't make any sense. _

Suddenly, the ground exploded, sending them all reeling. Diet Sasuke retreated gracefully, managing to land lightly on all fours. Diet Sakura fell back and tumbled, ending up in a slightly battered crouch. Diet Naruto struck the wooden pole he was to be tied to, bounced off, hit the ground, rolled for several feet, and ended up in a tangle of limbs not far from where he started.

As the haze began to clear, they saw the silhouette of a mangy-haired figure emerge from the swirling dust.

"Looks like I got here first!" The Demon grinned, stretching his arms. "So, kids, how's it been?"

"…" Sasuke approached him warily, as one would a wild beast. "What did you do with Kakashi?"

"None of your business! Don't worry, we'll be training you guys now!"

Diet Naruto sat up, shaking off the great clods of dirt which had been smeared across his new clothes. Inwardly, he smiled, because now he looked as beaten-up as his elder self!

"Hey, older me, who's stronger, me or Sasuke?"

Diet Sasuke crossed his arms. "Like he's a reliable source."

"Why, I'm stronger, of course!" Naruto burst out laughing. "The last time we fought I wasn't even serious, and I totally crushed him. Sasuke has no stamina. He's easy to tire out."

"Wow, you're so cool…" Diet Naruto gazed at him with stars in his eyes.

"Hn." _An obvious lie. _

Naruto cracked his neck, placing his hand on Diet Naruto's shoulder. "The other two should be here pretty soon. Hey, why is Sakura sleeping?"

She had fainted again.

* * *

Training had begun. Naruto looked downwards at his younger self, smirking fiendishly.

"Alright, mini-me! Let's get started. Our objective for this training is to…BEAT SASUKE!"

"YEAH!"

"There's no way that duck's-ass head can possibly defeat my lion's mane hairdo! I mean, ducks versus lions? There's just no comparison. So, me, you're going to have to grow your hair like I do."

"Eh, but doesn't having long hair bother you?"

"Well, not only is it good with the ladies, you can use it as a weapon!"

"REALLY?" Diet Naruto began running around to release his energy. "Man, I'm sooo excited!"

"Yup. There are lots of jutsu that use hair as weapons. But we'll get to that later. Are there any questions you have before we start?"

"YES!"

_Oh crap, _Naruto thought. _I didn't think I'd actually have questions…_

"Sakura-chan seems to like you…how can I get Sakura-chan to like me?" Diet Naruto looked at him reverentially, hope blazing from his features.

_EH? I'M OFFERING HIM IMMENSE POWER AND THAT'S THE FIRST THING HE ASKS? _

Naruto crossed his arms meditatively. _I don't have experience with girls, besides fighting and killing them…Well, Sakura did blush that one time I was fighting Zabuza. _

The best way to BS something about which you had no idea was to copy what others did, and Naruto had a predator's senses. _Well…Sasuke treats Sakura like crap, and Sakura likes him…maybe if mini-me treated her like crap too, she'd like mini-me as well! _

_Man, I am good. _

Naruto cleared his throat. "Well, you see, the secret is…"

"YES???" Diet Naruto was nearly spasmic with anticipation.

"Women are completely opposite from us, you see. For example, while we enjoy foods that taste awesome, like ramen and tofu, they enjoy foods that have no taste, like celery. Instead of trying to build muscle, they try to lose weight. While we enjoy shows that are entertaining and awesome, they enjoy shows that make them cry."

Naruto smiled smugly, pleased at his unplanned oration.

"So, it's obvious that women are masochists, or people that enjoy pain! In order to make girls like you, you have to act depressed all the time and ignore them or treat them like crap – that's called 'playing hard to get' or 'being a tragic hero.' They love being insulted and put down; in fact, it only motivates them more! I mean, just look at Sasuke. He must have insulted Sakura like, five thousand times for her to like him as much as she does!"

_Uzumaki Naruto, super-genious! _(A/N: That is not a typo)

Diet Naruto was staggered. _Of course Sakura hates me! I've been doing this the wrong way the whole time! What was I thinking, being nice to her and all? It's…it's so simple and obvious now! _

"You mean…you mean that's it? All we have to do to get women to like us is treat them like crap?"

"Well, I'm still not too sure about that," Naruto said, laughing as he scratched the back of his head. "But for Sakura's case, it's definitely true!"

"YOSH!" Diet Naruto nearly exploded with energy. "I'll go insult Sakura right now!"

"Hold up!" Naruto grabbed his shorter compatriot by the scruff of his neck. "We have to start training…unless you want to LOSE TO SASUKE?"

"Right! Sorry, sensei. I got carried away by your genius and insight!"

_I am so freaking cool. _

"So, how are we going to train?"

"Well, first we're going to work on your chakra control, because it's the base of all ninjitsu. Chakra capacity, which we have tons of, determines how strong our jutsus are and how often we can use them, but chakra control is needed to actually use any techniques."

"Hm…"

"Think of all the techniques you'll learn as a tree, split into tree branches – taijutsu, genjutsu, and ninjitsu. Chakra control is the root of the tree, and the bigger the root, the larger the branches it can support. Chakra capacity determines how many fruit (or jutsus) it can produce, and how big they are."

"Ah, I get it!" Diet Naruto jumped up. "So, how do I improve my chakra control."

"You climb trees!" And Naruto laughed as he leapt over to a tree, sticking on its bark with his feet alone.

"Whoa…"

"I used to climb buildings, because we didn't really have trees, but your buildings are all really short. So we'll just use a really big tree. In order to do this, move chakra to the soles of your feet in a steady, even stream."

"YOSH! Let's start!" Diet Naruto sprinted to the nearest tree and managed five steps before falling. "Ow! Alright, next try!"

"Nope." Naurto had grabbed him by the collar.

"Huh?"

"You're not like Sakura and Sasuke, remember? They learn stuff slow. If we want to beat them, we'll have to learn stuff fast!"

"How do we do that?"

"Well, usually I didn't have anyone to spar with when I was small, so I got lonely and made sparring partners with Kage Bushin. Later, my best friend told me that his old teacher said that Kage Bushins give you their memories when they leave…so we can get experience a lot faster than normal! That's how I got good at taijutsu – I practiced three thousand years of combat in two days."

"WHOA! So, if I make fifty Kage Bushins, I can get experience fifty times as fast?"

"Yup!"

"ALRIGHT!" Diet Naruto formed a Ram Seal.

"Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

A swarm of two hundred Diet Narutos began flooding over ever tree in sight.

Naruto nodded. _Fighting, eating ramen, teaching…is there anything I _can't _do? _

"Right! I'm not going to waste time just looking at you…Tajuu Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

Three thousand shadow clones appeared, covering the forest.

"Alright, men, fifty of you go bother Sasuke, the rest of us will spar!"

"Yay!"

* * *

The Sasukes stared at each other.

"You know, Naruto's going to make it his goal to beat us. He would do something as inane and pointless as that."

"Hn."

"If we want him to ever shut up, we'll have to beat him."

"Hn."

"Developing the Sharingan is your best choice."

"Hai. How can I manifest it voluntarily?"

Sasuke glared at his younger self. _It appears there is no choice. _He could really go for some tomatoes right now.

He revealed his own Sharingan, four commas slowly spinning, and placed Diet Sasuke in a genjutsu.

'_Foolish little brother. Did you really believe time-travel was possible? Did you really think that someone had come to save _you_? You, who were not worth killing?' _

_Itachi laughed. 'This disguise…is an effective one, isn't it?' _

_Sasuke stepped back, eyes narrowing. _

'_You can't beat me. Don't even try. In fact, do you know why I returned?'_

_Sasuke blitzed Itachi, a cry of fury tearing itself from his throat. "Katon: Ryuuka no Jutsu!" _

'_Amusing…Amaterasu.'_

_Livid black flames erupted from Itachi's mouth, instantly overpowering the weaker flame. Sasuke howled in agony as his leg was incinerated. _

"_No…I won't…I can't lose now! I have to kill you!"_

'_You, kill me?' Itachi chuckled cruelly. 'Prepare yourself, little brother…'_

_The Mangekyou Sharingan manifested in a crawling of veins. _

"_Rrrwaraaaarraaagh!" Sasuke hop-charged with furious intensity, fist cocked back to strike. _**I can't lose. Not here. If he uses 'that' jutsu again…No! This is what I've lived for...I must kill him.  
**

_Itachi's lips moved. "Tsu…ki…you…" _

**I can see it. **

_Sasuke's eyes turned the red of spilled blood. _

So engrossed were they in this training exercise that they failed to notice the extremely loud creeping of a Naruto-horde until Sasuke got pantsed and Diet Sasuke thrown into a river.

"What…what? Itachi?"

"Urgh…Sakura better not have seen that. RAIKIRI!"

* * *

Sakura brooded over her charge. _Thanks a lot, Sasuke. How I am supposed to train myself if I keep fainting? _

* * *

Suddenly, the army of dueling Narutos fell over, roaring with laughter. After about five minutes of continuous hilarity, they weren't interrupted by Sasuke.

No, a pineapple-headed genin had stumbled onto them, exhausted after a hard day controlling shadows.

_What…what is this? Is that Naruto? Why are all those clones running up trees? _

Shikamaru yawned. He knew he should have stayed in bed today. First that bell test – controlling Ino had been a chore – and now this?

He had a feeling life from now would get…troublesome.

* * *

REVIEW.

Next chapter is…probably coming out on Friday, maybe Saturday. But no promises!


	10. The Sprouting Swords

A/N: LEE LIVES. ALL HAIL THE BEAUTIFUL GREEN BEAST OF KONOHA.

* * *

_"There is a beast in man that needs to be exercised, not exorcised."  
_

_ -Anton LaVey_

* * *

"Neji," Lee's boyish voice resounded off the tan-stone walls. "What do you see?"

_White on shadow and dripping night. The wind howls razor-fingered against elder-forged steel. A boy leaping through the static-tinged night, rush of air over the Sprawl of Spikes. Coattails of moonsilver and midnight. A breath, following him, pulse of air and roses, blossom-pink. Hair stretching silver-touched in the soar of her leap. _

_They land, claw and chakra-string, and lion-bristles swarm as the bandages fall. _

Hyuuga Neji, reclining on a chakra-supported Bend Cocoon, retracted his Byakugan. He attempted to move and winced, biting the inside of his lip as pain shot up his back. Blood was a crushed flower on his lower left side, leaking through the carefully wrapped bandages. He looked at his hand, noted the thin paleness of it, the blue in his veins.

"They…are here."

Lee nodded, a smile like daybreak blooming across his simple features. "At last! How long I have waited to test myself. Fear not, Neji, I shall avenge your wound!"

The noble cracked a feeble smile. "Don't kill me by accident. We know how you are when you get excited."

Lee raked a hand through his shiny bowl cut and flashed a Nice Guy Pose, which would have blinded Neji had the Hyuuga not snapped his eyes shut at that exact moment. The Nice Guy Pose was an attack that could be easily anticipated, but to ultra-sensitive Byakugan eyes it was excruciating.

"How will we deal with them?" Tenten uncrossed her legs and stood, hefting the mirrorswords on her back. Her smooth white thighs, swarmed by tattoos, moved swanlike across the atrium. "Shall we attack them together or split up?"

Neji spoke immediately. "We must definitely isolate them. We cannot allow the Demon's regeneration to be paired with a medic-nin's skills. He'd be effectively immortal. And Lee might kill you if you fight alongside him, since your close-range dodging still isn't very effective."

She pouted, rubbing a hand against the kanji drawn in black over her arm. "I guess I'll have to fight the medic-nin, then. How lame! Kunoichi are never going to be respected if all we do is fight other kunoichi."

The Hyuuga shrugged, supremely insensitive. "Get stronger, then."

Tenten's piquied response was cut off by a groan from their prisoner. Yamanaka Ino, tied securely to a wooden chair, moaned low in her throat, and Neji felt a shiver crawl up his spine. She slumped forward, silken brown dress hanging forward to reveal lightly tanned cleavage...and a small circular mark just under her neck.

Kabuto chose that moment to come in, wiping his hands with a towel. "I've got to check on Gai soon. How is the prisoner?"

"Alive." Neji glared suspiciously at the medic-nin. "We'd appreciate some inkling of whatever's going on. She has an extremely high fever."

"Worried for your fellow noble, Neji? Don't be. She's a strong girl; Orochimaru-sama is sure she'll pull through. You should really be worrying more about yourself – how are you holding up? Has the Liver Regrowth serum taken hold yet?"

Neji turned back around and rested his head on the inner lining of the Cocoon. "I'm _fine_. How was Gai-sensei, the last time you checked?"

Kabuto shrugged cheerfully. "Oh, I don't know. I mean, he did get impaled through the shoulder right after using the Morning Peacock…his internal organs aren't in the best shape right now, not to mention he's missing a giant slab of muscle from his left arm. Also, the nerves in that arm are totally wrecked – that Uchiha boy packs a nasty Chidori! On the other hand, Kakashi is faring much, much worse."

"I don't want to know."

_Twenty-seven bones shattered, forty-three broken; hemorrhage of the intestines, severe internal trauma, a black eye, a broken jaw, two dislocated joints, internal bleeding, irregular heartbeat, and seventeen first- to third-degree burns. It's amazing that the Hero of the Sharingan is still alive._

Smiling, Kabuto turned to Lee.

"I assume I can trust you to keep our…prize safe?"

Lee flashed a somewhat halfhearted Nice Guy Pose. "Ossu! The power of youth shall protect her!"

"Good, very good. Orochimaru-sama will be pleased. Neji, do tell Hiashi-sama that Orochimaru-sama will be visiting next Thursday."

Neji took a page from Sasuke's book.

"Hn."

* * *

Their faces were dim and shadowed in the glare from above and around. Here, the moonlight was cut apart, dispersed. The Sprawl was one hundred feet from the ground and worlds away from Sasuke's estate. This was the territory of drug lords and chakra-jackers, where the hyperadvanced technology of Sannin research met the grim angles of harsh reality. People were disappeared daily for Orochimaru's experiments; some came back, and usually their friends and relatives wished they hadn't. 

Digital display boards destroyed the night, blanketing the area in a sullen hum of too-cheery advertisements and garish lighting. Sinuous, sinister rhythms beat from the strip of nightclubs below, giving a pulse to this festering urban sore. The air smelled black, charcoal and oil and blood.

Naruto growled and adjusted his overcoat, while Sakura, stuck horizontal to the building, slid a folding knife out of her skintight stealthsuit. Behind the neosilk mask, she smiled grimly, one emerald-grass eye winking at him.

He nodded and burst through the wall, bloom of dust and firing muscle.

Sakura ran vertically up the outside of the building, then performed a double backflip over to a ventilation grille. In a sliver of motion she was in, slipping silently into the lungs of the building...

Neji started.

"It's begun. Sectors C25 and A12, breached."

Lee cracked his back. "This will be fun."

Tenten flashed upwards and away, drawing her mirrorswords.

Naruto barreled down the corridor, smashing through wood and stone, killing intent like a crashing wave. He stopped, sniffed the air, then erupted through another blockade of stone. In front: a long hall, leading to an enormous atrium.

_Three humans. _

The Demon from the Cauls grinned, nicking his own lip for a drop bright-sweet blood. He exploded out of the hall in one thunderous leap, foot leaving a hole three feet deep as he cleared the threshold and bared his claws.

Lee took a step back. _He's fast. _He chuckled and made a beckoning gesture with his opened palm.

"Nice to meet you. I am Rock-"

"DIE!" Killing intent surged forth, crushing and red, a hurled hurricane. But Lee had released his own, a mountain falling, and irresistible force met immovable object.

Power flared, buzzed, and ripped through the room, and the rocks trembled and flaked as Naruto stared down his foe. _This guy…he's not affected by my ki at all. _

And then like a stone serpent Naruto was coiling forward, hair trailing behind him in a wake of flame. "Hari Jizo no Jutsu!"

His mane grew to twice its already formidable length, and the blonde spikes shined as they became iron-hard and fang-sharp. He whipped the wash of yellow spines forwards as he struck, claws like gouging mouths as they clenched forward.

Rock Lee stepped to the side.

A rising knee intercepted the Demon's savage velocity, and Naruto choked as blood spewed from his mouth. Lee stepped back, and as his foe floated in midair, the taijutsu master unleashed a storm of blows that ruptured organs and shattered bone, following with a gruesome hook to the jaw that sent the muscled Demon seven feet flying.

A circle of dust marked Lee's ascent as he whirled forth with a liver-destroying right shin, launching his foe back, back- but then his arm lashed out, grabbing Naruto by the steel-jagged hair, and pulled him upright, setting him up for a haymaker to the face. The blow connected like a meteor into water and sent the Demon sprawling, skipping, and crashing into the far wall, leaving a foot-deep indentation in the spiderwebbed stone.

Caul marks heaving, the feral shinobi gagged another splash of blood as his organs and ribs knitted themselves back together. He pulled himself up, off the floor, and cracked open a healing eye.

_Holy shit. Sasuke wasn't kidding when he warned me this guy was going to be strong. His taijutsu is better than Kakashi's! _

But Demons did not know fear. All Naruto felt was excitement, bubbling like a broth deep in his gut, as he surveyed the jounin known as Rock Lee.

_The prisoner's on that chair, off to the side. Wonder what's up with that empty Bend Cocoon? Smells like nobleman – the Hyuuga abandon it or something? _

Lee himself was dressed in a traditional cheongsam of black silk, with a white tabard-line down the back and arms which depicted a dragon ascending. A long, single plait of hair traveled down his back, and his hands were hidden in the sleeves of his uniform. Behind the shiny bowl cut were enormous, formidable eyebrows and eyes like black water.

"That was disappointing. I had hoped that my opponent would be stronger. It seems I will not be able to truly stretch my limbs this fight." Lee sounded bored as he adopted a strange fighting stance – left shoulder turned towards Naruto, chin tucked down, elbows close to his sides, hands at cheek level and left foot forward. He seemed to sink into the ground, movements smooth and low.

_What a weird fighting style.  
_

He couldn't afford to hold anything back. "Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

A sirocco of slashing claws stormed Lee, gold-on-blue and tresses twining. The martial artist darted backwards, then lashed out with a flurry of jabs destroying seven, before pivoting on his back foot to loose a right hook that painted twelve against the wall. Still, three thousand swarmed him, a blot of fury and sinew that descended from the skies, burst from the floor, and tore at his legs.

Lee twisted, spun, and danced around their blows, maintaining his boxing form as he methodically took out dozens at a time. Roaring, he lunged forward and grabbed one's ankle, then ducked back and around, flailing the shadow clone at its comrades, slicing away an entire company of frustrated warriors.

They pounced as one, seeking to bury him, but Lee was too fast, rising now into the air, hop-skipping along their heads, smashing high and low with fists that blurred like striking hammers. He landed especially hard on one, legs bending, then bounded upwards, twirling another around his head. He twisted, slipped by a jumping clone, and spun to bring down hundreds with a devastating heel drop.

There was thunder and broken stone, and Lee stood up in the crater he had made.

The dust cleared, and then the last four clones appeared around him, shocking-fast, and Naruto formed a ferocious Ram Seal, fangs bared in terrible mirth.

"Bushin Dabakuha!"

Chakra pulsed outwards from the clones, and for the merest fraction of a second they glowed brilliant blue. Then the eruption came, stars bursting and bubbling fire, and all was cast into blood-red relief. Shadows span and twisted as the shockwave struck the room, a searing boil of wind that nearly shattered the floor and sent Ino flying backwards. A fragment of broken stone savaged his face as it flew by, and he hissed as his flesh grew back...

There was a reason Naruto wore his heavy, clinking, burdensome overcoat to every mission. It wasn't just that he wanted to look cool; Kimimaro would never had allowed that. Then again, Kimimaro hadn't been pleased with the practical function of Naruto's coat either, insisting that, one day, it would get the demon shinobi killed.

After all, two hundred A-ranked explosive tags were stitched into its lining, each of which packed enough power to reduce a Jounin to ash.

* * *

Sakura gritted her teeth as she faced off against the white-clad kunoichi who had intercepted her.

"Who hired you? Why did you kidnap Yamanaka-san?"

Her opponened scoffed, drawing a pair of finely balanced straight swords from her back. They glinted as they refracted the light, nearly humming with sharpness. Her hands held the ivory grips lightly, fingers poised.

Tenten entered a forward stance, her mirror-bright blades perfectly reflecting each other. "I heard there was a kenjutsu user on your team – Uchiha Sasuke, wasn't it? I would rather have fought him, but you'll have to do."

Sakura's eyes narrowed as the other kunoichi darted forward, blades held in a reverse grip.

_Kami, what a bitch. _

" 'I'll have to do?' Just who do you think you're talking to, slut?"

Sakura pressed her hands together, glaring. "Kokuangyou no Jutsu!"

And Tenten stopped, eyes vacant as ink spilled across her vision. "What?"

_This girl wouldn't be a match for Sasuke-kun. _Sakura unraveled three meters of silk and flung them outwards, lashing her foe's arms and legs together.

_This is over. _

A torrent of chakra surged down the bandages, and they became as hard as steel, binding Tenten in a vise of cloth.

"I suggest you surrender." Sakura closed, chakra needles forming on her fingertips.

The brunette closed her eyes and murmured something to herself, then bit her lip. Mirrorswords burst from the bindings as they flashed and skimmed and cut the cloth to ribbons. Freed, Tenten sprang to the side, grinning.

"Was that the best you could do?"

And the weaponsmistress pulled a huge, double-headed axe from her back, blade scything downwards like a hawk plunging. Sakura gasped and tumbled to the side, head-over-heels and dancing backwards.

_That's what those tattoos are! She has summoning and storage seals placed over her entire body. What a freak. _

With a sneer, the brown-eyed kunoichi placed the axe back and rushed Sakura, drawing a long, slender chain from the top of her forearm. The shivering steel took tiles off the floor as it struck, crack of splitting stone as Sakura leapt backwards in her dark blue skinsuit and let her hair down.

_Looks like I'm going to have to use 'that' jutsu. _

"Running away? I won't let you!" Tenten whirled to the side and pulled out a scroll – summoning scrolls inside summoning seals? – facing Sakura with eyes like molten amber.

"Souryuu Tensakai!" A tracer-blue flood of blades cleaved the air, enough steel to bury her under kunai and shaft. They hummed and whined as they approached her, lethal fast.

Sakura inhaled as strands of newly loosened hair fell over her face, and then her eyes snapped open, dilating green as she forced chakra up, up…

"Kattojotei no Jutsu!" (_Slashing Empress Technique!_)

Her head came around, and now the petal locks were a shining slippery slashing stream of monofilament strands that flowed forward, infinitely graceful. As the crescent of her cut met the barrage of blades, there was a sound like a knife through water.

And then, pinging on the tiles, a rain of shredded swords fell from the sky. Sakura smiled as she flipped her hair back over her shoulder.

_Who's running now? _

* * *

Engulfed by the explosion, Lee had crouched down, shielding himself with his limbs. Nonetheless his clothing was in tatters, his eyebrows singed. 

_Wonderful! What a powerful opponent. _

Lee stood, tearing off the remnants of his traditional garb, leaving him in bandages and green spandex.

Across the room, Naruto's eyes widened in disbelief before he burst into laughter.

"Damn, Bushy Brows, you are strong! This is going to be fun!"

"Bushy Brows? Sorry, but as I said before, please call me Rock-"

"Lee!" Naruto performed a crude Nice Guy pose. "I know, I know. And you don't really have eyebrows anymore…" he snickered.

The boxer smiled as well, stretching his limbs. "Well, Naruto, it seems like I was wrong about you. You are a worthy foe, indeed. Therefore, I will show you the source of my power."

"Huh?" Inquisitive blue eyes stared at him.

Lee raised a hand to his face and pulled the skin-mask off, then ripped off his bandages with a single swipe. He stepped out of his leg warmers, adjusted the spandex, and grinned, metal creasing along his face.

Naruto stared in open-mouthed shock. The entire left side of his opponent's face was made out of a metal alloy, his eye a red-green lens. Lee's limbs, freed from their bindings, glinted coolly in the light.

_Prosthetics? All of them? _

"Four years ago my body was shattered by Gaara of the Desert. They told me I could never be a shinobi again…"

Naruto sniffed the air. Yes, without the sweaty cloth to mask its scent, the acrid tang of chakra-infused steel was clear in the air.

Lee's eyes narrowed. "My sensei, Maito Guy, spent his entire life's savings having these custom-designed especially for me. Each holds over three million _shitan _of chakra."

_WHAT? _

Though Naruto had never needed a limb replaced, Kimimaro had taught him a good bit about current ninja technology. He had assured him that creating cyborg shinobi which were stronger than their human counterparts was impossible.

Prosthetics were highly advanced in the Land of Fire, as ninja lost limbs every day, but they were very rarely made stronger than the arm or leg they replaced. Because the nervous system could only process a certain level of information, and because nerves themselves were extremely difficult to create or replace, wielding prosthetics that were twice as strong required twice as much fine motor control. The body was unused to possessing such power, and amplified movements proportional to the level of strength exerted.

All human bodies experienced some degree of random twitches and ticks. Only in deepest meditation could the best taijutsu masters remain absolutely still.

For someone like Rock Lee, whose limbs were over ten thousand times stronger than the average Jounin's, the merest hint of a twitch could result in leveled buildings or slain comrades. The sheer control he could exihibit was unthinkable – to develop and maintain nerves that thick he'd need to practice for over sixteen hours a day!

"You…you…"

Naruto recovered from his shock and smiled. "You really are some kind of beast."

"Ossu! I am the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha. Now you will feel the true power of youth!" Lee's eyes shined along with his haircut.

"This…is _one percent_."

Lee disappeared.

The first punch sent Naruto back through the wall. The second sent him out of the building.

* * *

A/N**: On technology in the Break the World universe**

The tech level of this civilization is at once more and less advanced than that of canon Konoha. Shortwave radio exists; cars do not. Massive chakra-powered ships and chakra-levitated ricksaws provide most of the rapid transport; the Cauls had made an indelible mark on technological growth. As the elite fighting force of the city consists of a few thousand Jounin who are not easily replaced, biotechnology, genetics, and prosthetics research are far, far more advanced than even our own. Television and forms of broadcast media are extremely rare, limited mostly to line-in advertisement boards. Munitions are not as advanced as our world's; they're about WWII level, though no atom bomb exists. Architecture is, obviously, very advanced.

Most advanced research is performed by black market freelancers who sell to Orochimaru. Hospitals contain the highest concentration of advanced technology. Astrophysics is sorely neglected, as is non-Newtonian physics in general. Chemistry and biology have surpassed our level, as shinobi tend to employ lots of poisons and summons. Daily life is relatively free of technology; mp3 players are reserved for the upper middle class and cell phones for the highest classes (or chakra-jackers in the Sprawl).

Technological innovation has its bleeding edge in two places: the underworld of the Sprawl, the level one hundred feet above the Pit, and the Pane, an ultrahightech megalopolis-type level four hundred feet from the surface. Statistics is a somewhat neglected science; scientific journals almost do not exist, and most scientists are practical inventors that earn their jade on the practical value of their inventions.

You may want to wikipedia "cheongsam" if you don't know what they are.

If you don't get why Lee has it so tough: every movement his brain thinks of make is magnified ten thousand times by his limbs. Thus, if his brain tells his finger to move a millimeter, his finger will move ten meters, or thirty feet.

Want the next chapter tomorrow? You know what to do.


	11. Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Lee

**Mini-Omake Time! **

* * *

_Outside, Naruto landed. _

Lee turned to his teammate.

"Neji, what does the Byakugan say about his power level?"

The Hyuuga turned white. "_IT'S OVER __**NINE THOUSAND**_!!!"

"WHAT? NINE THOUSAND!"

* * *

A/N: Ahem. That was fun. Anyway, here's the next chapter, the climactic battle between Naruto and Lee!

I can't promise that everyone will like this chapter. This fic will be getting pretty dark.

* * *

Through the fog of pain, he felt the rush of the cool night air around him, the thrumming pulse of the bands below, the jagged stitching of his own breath.

_This guy…is stronger than me. _

Lee smashed his nose in for the – sixth? – time, delivering another one-two combo to his gut, following with a right hook that sent him whipping past display boards into a nearby apartment complex. Before he could untangle the underwear from around his head an uppercut took out his chin and his teeth clicked together as he soared upwards, through solid plaster-and-steel, crashing through several panes of glass before flopping bonelessly onto a shattered balcony.

A heel fell upon his stomach with avalanche force, and the world shot out of focus, haze-green and limning purple. Sparks danced sharp-white against his vision and he tried and failed to blink through the blood crusted on his eyes.

In a way, it was like meditation, which he hated: he had transcended ordinary pain. For once, he cursed his regeneration, because without it this torment would already have ended.

_Did I just think that? Me, Uzumaki Naru- _

"Oof!" His lungs collapsed from Lee's haymaker, but he only skimmed forward eight feet before the Green Beast flanked him again and unleashed an unbelievably brutal punch to his spine, shattering Naruto's lower back in an explosion of shivered tendons and broken bone.

He felt two hard, metallic hands on his shoulders and his body span once, twice, world a sickening wash of vertigo and thinning color…and then Lee threw him with apocalypse speed, down, down into the whistling maw of the Pit.

His eardrums cracked as he flew, coattails igniting under the murderous velocity, the flesh on his face peeled and burning as his bones turned to mush. Halfway down the blistering blue, he closed his eyes and saw red.

_Enough! I don't have to take this..._

And he reached within, deep, deeper, to that place where he should never go, and he found **them**.

In the milliseconds before impact his arms came up in an X across his chest, claws faced outward. Lee's crimson lens tracked him with machine precision, calculating the angle of his fall.

The Beautiful Green Beast landed gracefully on a steeple and rubbed his chin. _How wonderful! He's still not dead, after all that. What youth! Still, I must wonder: what is he doing…?_

For Naruto, **they** were easy to unlock. After all, he had been here before, a lifetime ago. With his healing factor, he wouldn't even have to worry about damage until the Sixth…

"EIGHT CELESTIAL DIVINATION GATES!"

He roared, thunder of a dying star, and all around the stones shivered and broke and fled and fell.

"First Gate: Initial Gate, open!"

He snapped forward, legs arching over his torso, and landed on his feet in a perfect crouch. Buildings began to tilt forward, into the chasm his landing had made, and fires rippled through the city like hungry feelers.

"Second Gate: Heal Gate, open!"

Nearby pedestrians died, hearts erupting, as he released his killing intent. A virulent inferno of scarlet chakra billowed upwards: twenty, thirty, fifty feet. His fingers rent clusters out of the earth and his howl pierced the bones of the city.

"Third Gate: Gate of Life, _open_!"

Great coils of nervous tissue snaked under his flesh, knotting in black bundles that pulsed with contained lightning. Veins boiled and coursed over his neck, chest, limbs, seething with torrential fury.

He jumped.

It was as if the earth had folded in on itself, great rivers of dirt rushing inwards to fill the mammoth-sized vortex his leap had created. He shot upwards, burning the stone off nearby buildings, claws cocked back and shining with power.

_WHAT YOUTH! _Lee's eyes widened in astonishment as his foe made a spectacular recovery, charging towards him with incredible enthusiasm. _He is truly worth fighting. _

"Twenty percent!"

Lee stepped off his perch and fell, arm drawn long and back for a duel-ending haymaker. _You are a formidable enemy, Uzumaki Naruto! I cannot, however, allow you to damage this great city any more. _

Naruto's lungs were fire and his eyes were rage. _That bastard…does he think he can beat me with only one-fifth of his power? _

"KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" His voice was throaty and raw, nearly drowned by the wind in his ears. Five clones roared into being, muscles huge and straining under the effects of the Gates.

The remnants of Lee's eyebrows shot up. _Kage Bunshin no Jutsu…the replicas possess the physical condition of whoever summoned them, during the exact moment they were summoned. With the amount of Chakra he's using, creating even one should kill him! _

Still, Lee could not afford to take chances. He was no match for six Narutos at that level. _I haven't had to go over twenty percent since my fight with Gai-sensei…_He smiled grimly, releasing thirty-five percent of his power.

They struck like planets colliding, and a low boom shook the neighborhood to its marrow. Lee twisted like a kingfisher and struck with fist, elbow, and knee, dispelling three clones, and Naruto growled in frustration as his claws scrabbled empty air. The taijutsu master smiled brightly as he brought his fist around in a skull-crushing hook to Naruto's temple…

Only to have it pass through shadow and smoke.

Then, he howled as three trenches of flesh were torn out of his back, blood spraying over his limbs.

"What?"

The true Demon was above, behind him, and water-blue chakra flowed three feet from his claws, beading red.

"It's called Hien, Lee. It's the last technique you'll see."

_Flying Swallow…chakra wind-type extension? That's Sarutobi Asuma's specialty…_

Naruto was at the apex of his ascent, beginning to fall, but he reached out with one piledriver arm and latched on to a nearby display board, ripping through the silicon circuitry with feral ease.

Lee recovered from the blow, backflipped onto the side of a nearby structure, fingers digging into the stone. He worked his jaw as streamers of chakra from his limbs swam over his back, temporarily sealing the wounds.

_I'm not very good with Chakra control, so the field's use as a bandage won't last long! If I go over fifty percent, my control will begin to waver…_

Naruto's surviving clones burst from the building they had been crouching on, disguised as fire ladders, and propelled themselves towards Lee.

"Bunshin Daibakuha!"

_WHAT? _

A spasm of energy coursed down Lee's legs and he jumped, annihilating an entire storey of the complex he had been standing on. At a full fifty percent of his strength, he could outrun a fired kunai.

Behind, enormous currents of flame fanned out, cauterizing his back, and he winced, blinking for half an instant.

That was a mistake.

The punch caught him in the solar plexus, forcing the wind from his lungs, and then sapphire-black claws sheared into his left arm, tearing inch-deep gouges in the chakra-enhanced steel. Lee bit his lip to stifle a scream and fired a desperate right straight, destroying Naruto's face.

The Demon shot away from him, spinning madly in midair. Naurto's regenerated jaw clenched as he created another Kage Bunshin. He turned it into a massive iron chain that he flung around a nearby tower, using the momentum to slingshot himself back at Lee.

Panting, the spandex-clad warrior had yet not recovered from the devastating punch to his unenhanced torso. Lee managed a clumsy duck-and-dodge that left him with a finger-shaped hole in his shoulder.

_I can't win against Naruto here. My taijutsu is not suited to aerial combat or long distances, and he has more chakra than all of our team combined! Even if I am stronger and faster, he can make mistakes without suffering harm…_

Nodding to himself, the taijutsu master began sprinting along the walls, relying on sheer speed to keep himself aloft. His target was the building he had originally been guarding.

Naruto crash-landed into a black market den, reducing millions of ryou in drugs and electronics to blue-gray pulp. The dealer stood, about to yell at him, but was killed by a burst of _ki_.

Ears ringing, Naruto launched himself into the night, preparing to intercept Lee.

_Bastard's too fast. _"Four Gate: Gate of Harm, open!"

The city was a watercolor blur, his eyes bloody slits.

He sucked in a titanic breath, oxygen processing kicked into overdrive, and shoulder-slammed his foe into the wall, passing through steel and concrete like a minnow through water.

They landed, bruised and bleeding, in a familiar atrium.

Naruto's breath caught and then he sagged, clutching his chest. While his regeneration prevented him from suffering any physical harm from the Gates, each and every opening created enormous pain. Currently, he felt like he was inhaling knives, his limbs turned to lead and fire. He could barely see through the red-black pain, and his bones _ached _like overforged steel.

Lee was hardly faring better, but his thoughts were clear. _It looks like the strain has finally caught up to him. Kami, what a guy, keeping the Gates open for over five minutes! _

"You have been an excellent foe, Uzumaki Naruto. Goodbye." _Sixty percent. _

Naruto's tongue felt heavy, buzzing with pain. "Yeah. Bye."

Lee was closing in, eyes bright with killing intent. He tasted blood in the back of his mouth.

"FIFTH GATE: LIMIT GATE, OPEN!"

Naruto nearly blacked out from the pain, a sledgehammer on the back of his skull. Chakra flooded his organs, his limbs, and he rushed forward, catching Lee's fists in the palms of his hands.

He squeezed.

Lee's eyes narrowed. _Eighty-five…_

Pulses of titanic energy spread from their wrestling forms, rupturing the very foundations of the tower they stood in.

They did not notice the tilt until it was too late.

Then they were slipping sideways, too fast to stop, and Naruto released his grip, sprinted towards the girl in the chair, ripped off her bindings and flung her over his back. She moaned, hot to the touch – a fever? It was difficult to tell, through the serrated agony of the Gates…

Lee was bolting towards him, intent on snatching the hostage back, but Naruto sprang upwards, puncturing layer after layer of stone and structure like a kunai through tissue. With a sharp, jerky grunt, Lee followed.

The Beast's movements were angular and restrained, and his fingers seemed to twitch with barely contained energy. He was slowly losing control.

Around them, the enormous building, five hundred feet of concrete and glass and steel, began to collapse, girders shrieking as they folded upon each other, flames racing up and down its frame, drowning the screams of the dying…they continued to ascend, blazing with power. Up, up, up, moonwards to the cold fresh air, until they broke through the roof.

It was a garden for the nobles, no longer serene. Servants and masters scampered and fell, screaming as they fled from the shinobi.

Lee seemed to pull himself inward, re-focusing, and when he moved again it was with boxer grace, floating across the decaying stone like a puff of cloud. Naruto tied Ino to his shoulders and roared, knocking several servants off the tower. Chakra accumulated in his feet as he dug into the building like a bull preparing to charge.

Lee batted his palms against his cheeks, reminding himself to keep his hands up. _The Limit Gate…it removes the barrier on the amount of chakra the body can release at one time. If he hits me in the torso with another strike, I will definitely die! _

Furious green flames erupted along Lee's limbs, and around them the garden shattered. _One hundred percent. _

The clear blue chakra around Naruto's claws began to expand, growing huge and ragged and twenty meters long, and then his leg tore through the floor as he shot towards Lee with infernal speed, wake of his passing uprooting the tiles around him.

Lee retracted into a backwards crouch, preparing a jab to intercept Naruto's momentum…

Yamanaka Ino's eyes snapped open, and the Seal of Heaven crawled across her frame.

* * *

_…it hurts. Like fire. What…what is this? _

She remembered lights harsh as drill bores and cold metal on her skin. Her dress was loose…had she been raped? Cold terror swam in her gut, threatening to emerge from the back of her mouth- but no. There had been…a man.

The birthday man.

Orochimaru.

He had done something to her…bitten her? And now, the pain…

She was pulled from memory by a blinding vision in front of her.

The Yamanaka Clan saw minds. They came in all colors in sizes, from Sasuke's needlelike blue to Jiraiya's perverted swirl. The stronger or more sophisticated the mind, the larger it was: a commoner might have a mind the size of an apple, while the Hokage's mind was enormous, the size of a dragon's claw.

What lay under her, though, was a storm. Whoever was carrying her had so much chakra running through their brain that their mind literally blotted out half her vision, a swirling nexus of black and violet and red.

_The degree of motion determines a person's emotional range. The color determines their current state. The size determines their mental complexity. Energy flow is the brain is mirrored by chakra patterns – that is how we can "see" thoughts. This person's ability to feel sensations and emotions are…not human! His reservoir of suffering is massive…_

She pulled her gaze away, and saw – bowl cut, metal limbs, ink-black eyes – the man that had abducted her, and rage washed away the logic of her person.

Ino struck with a hammer of the mind, and Rock Lee gasped as he fell to the ground, eyes shivering and empty.

Slowly, the storm receded, and when it was gone there was only a human-shaped nimbus in front of her, tired gray and noble gold, slashed by intermittent shards of agony-red. _His name is Naruto. _

As the winds trailed coolly down her back, she spoke to her rescuer. "I crippled his cerebellum, the part of his brain that controls voluntary motion. He'll never be able to move again."

The man erupted into blood-crimson fury, fountaining red, and slapped her viciously across the face. She fell, spinning, to the ground, cheek tingly and numb.

She spat blood, glaring upwards. "What was that for? I helped you!"

"Why would you do something like that? Do you know how hard he worked?"

"You…You disgust me, Yamanaka." Bright lances of purple streaked through his head, his breathing deep and irregular.

She looked up, with shocked, glazed-over eyes. The Cursed Seal retreated, back into the circle around her neck, and the pain went away.

Below, the building began to come apart, and they were falling, spiraling into the blue...

* * *

_"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, **whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings;** but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and **who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly**. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."_

_- Teddy Roosevelt_

* * *

**Reference Notes: The Yamanaka Bloodline**

The Yamanaka are the spies, infiltrators, and assassins of the Land of Fire. Their Kekkei Genkai, the Ishin Denshin (Thought Transfer), allows them to perceive the minds of others as visible objects, which they can then manipulate with chakra.

Because of the unusual way they see others' brains, Yamanakas cannot perform genjutsu.

A master of the Yamanaka bloodline is, however, capable of completely destroying an opponent's mind without ever harming the body, making them extremely efficient killers. The Ishin Denshin can manipulate any and all areas of the human brain, enabling control over the emotions and movements of others, and can even superimpose their own chakra signatures on the brains of others, essentially switching bodies. There are only three limitations:

1. The Yamanaka must be able to see their target.

2. The target is always aware they're being affected.

3. Performing the techniques with any sort of speed requires massive chakra expenditure. For the average telepath, disabling a small part of the brain takes over five minutes, which is an eternity is combat. Ino's attack was only possible with a powerful external chakra source such as the Curse Seal.

Brain manipulation is, of course, easier than shutting an entire portion down; Yamanaka close-combat techniques rely on emotional manipulation and stunning attacks.

* * *

A/N: Shintenshin no Jutsu! Hah, now that I am in your body, I will make you review! 

Seriously, though, poor Lee. I feel like a jerk for doing that to him.


	12. Death to the Soul that Drinks

There's actually almost no fighting in the chapter. What a concept, hm?

* * *

_"Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelssness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity..."_

-Vaclav Havel

* * *

It was night, and it was cold, stars shining like cruel eyes above her, vertigo and sound and platinum hair whipping the side of her cheek, slowly rotating and brown silk and earrings like crystal tears and she was really, really too young to die.

Yamanaka Ino was closer to the ground than she'd ever been before, two hundred feet above surface level and closing fast. She twisted, lunging out with a slender arm, reaching for a handhold, but her speed was too great and she could only howl as the guardrail bruised her fingers.

_A jutsu, a jutsu…_But there were no techniques of the mind that could shatter this fall – really the best she could do was get rid of the dizziness and the pain at the end.

_Is this it? All that my life was worth? _

Below…a mind. Two minds. They seemed…almost familiar? She didn't have time, though, because it was then, at that exact moment, that she was struck in the gut by a bolt of sunlight and sinew, her nose pressed into a god-king mane, her body humming under his low, basso growl. Naruto adjusted his grip, holding two people at once.

"Sawarabi no Mae!" And they were still.

Naruto released her, and she stumbled forward on painful heels, gasping for air. She stopped, looking down. _This is…_

"Kimimaro..." Naruto growled. "What is he doing here?"

Long, upcurving talons of bone, hundreds of feet high, held the building up, preventing it from cascading into its neighbors. A pink-haired kunoichi was perched on an upper branch with a bloodied female held loosely over her back. Her own rescuer was carrying another: his former opponent, Rock Lee.

From below, there was a muted sibilance, on the edge of hearing, almost a hiss...

"_Sen'eitajashu!" _

Thousands of snakescale cords shot upwards, entwining the structure, lashing it together. The air grew damp, smelled of moss and gore, and a shudder slithered down Ino's neck.

"That's…that's…"

"That's Orochimaru?" Naruto didn't seem impressed. "Is it a guy or a girl?"

Ino nearly had an aneurism. "Baka! What…what kind of savior are you? Show some respect! He's one of the Sannin, he could kill you without _thinking_!"

"If it weren't for this mission, I would kill _you _without thinking. I'm a Demon, not a savior. Now, fix Lee!"

"Wha-what?"

"Fix him! Undo what you did!" Naruto's tired eyes began to gleam as his killing intent pulsed forward, directed squarely at her.

_Crap! I can't do that…repairing a brain is way harder than destroying one. Eh, I'll just read his mind and find a way to talk myself out of this! _

She smiled inside. _Works every time. Even if they know it's coming, nobody can resist the Yamanaka charm! _

She made eye contact with him, diving deep into the churning gray within...and was immediately ejected, falling to her knees, eyes dilated and wide.

_Is he human? _

Naruto didn't think like people did.

People thought first with words, translating their neural impulses into language, which eventually created emotion and motivation. Naruto's brain, however, was a constant maelstrom of incredibly high emotional discharges that sometimes made their way to a language processor. Trying to probe his mind with her talent was like trying to measure the ocean with a teacup. _That explains his massive killing intent. He projects emotions naturally, so other minds harmonize instantly to his resonance…when he wants someone to die, _they_ want to die as well. _

_What a terrifying creature. _

"What," he purred, "did you just try to do?"

_Don't apologize. Steel, girl. Against this mind you have to be steel. _

"I was trying to see if the shinobi who were ordered to retrieve me were really so unprofessional as to threaten me with death."

"_Don't_ push me."

There was a wraith of a breath against her shoulder. The pink-haired one – mind like a library, perfectly organized, emerald-on-blossoms, a crystal tree, too sentimental, really – appeared between her and Naruto.

"Naruto! Calm down, okay? We're doing this mission for you, remember?"

_Oh? _

"Sakura…" His hackles rose, voice low.

Killing intent flared, and in front of her Sakura staggered. "Shut up! Look what she did to Lee!"

Naruto whipped the cyborg off his back and placed him on the bone. "He worked so hard to be able to move like that…now he won't be able to move at all! I won't accept it!" His eyes met Ino's and she felt her marrow freeze.

Sakura pursed her lips. Ino broke from Naruto's glare, looking at the other kunoichi out of the corner of her eye. _She wants to tell Naruto that this is an enemy, that far worse things could have happened to him. I don't need to be a telepath to figure that out. _

Ino realized that she had been dealing with Naruto the wrong way. He was a shinobi with a sense of honor, an instinctual creature, a completely unreasonable man. He did not calculate, he acted. He lived only in the moment, with barely a thought for the past or future…reading his mind would do her little good. Everything he did, he did on the spot: it was pointless to try to anticipate him because he didn't know what he was doing until he did it.

_That is what it means to be a Demon. _

Naruto pushed past Sakura like an ocean current and grabbed Ino's arm. His palms were huge, eclipsing nearly half her forearm, and callous-rough. With a slight pulse of strength he dragged her over to Lee's body.

"Fix him."

There was a breeze.

Suddenly she could not move, mamba in her belly, swish of venom through tall grasses and eyes like spilled-blood pools. Moonlight poison, fang in the back, mind like a mist over water.

_Orochimaru. _

Fear…this was not Naruto, with his brutal, honest killing intent. This was the gaze of the cobra, hungry and playful, treacherous and beautiful as shadows on moonlit steel. None of them could move. They had totally forgotten about him, about the snakes – was this what he intended? Was he going to kill them and take her back?

He laughed, and Naruto clenched his fist so hard his palm began to bleed.

"Well, it looks like you've taken my little flower. A beautiful job…"

Sakura struggled to stand in front of her, dropping her charge. "You mean _you_ were the one who kidnapped her?"

"Sharp, sharp…the blossoms that cut! Haruno Sakura, is it?"

"What do you want?" Naruto, trembling, began to stride up to him. Ino saw the slow, swirling fury begin to coalesce again, wrapping like a whirlwind cloak around his frame.

"Oh…" In the space between heartbeats the Sannin disappeared, and before they could act his fingers were across her face, snakescale-smooth and caressing her cheek. She flinched, heart racing.

The Demon snarled, canines extending, nails growing into claws. He took a step forward, locking his jaw.

Ino could barely think, her head was spinning, and in the crook of her neck she felt a _thirst,_ so hollow, so hungry, wine and violins, and it hurt like an ice dagger and she wanted to give in, wanted it so badly her lips were trembling. But she couldn't, because if she did Naruto would take her head off, clean off with his massive paw, a casual upwards swipe, and somehow, she knew this better than she knew anything.

"Let's not be hasty, Naruto-kun. It would be such a tragedy if you were to die now…so much potential left unfulfilled! Think how Kimimaro would feel! He came all this way just to try and save you. No, I do not want this flower anymore. I only wished to admire my handiwork."

Naruto retreated, humming with fury. Orochimaru waved insolently and was away with the next gust of air.

The curse mark exploded across her body, and as she fell Sakura caught her. Below the bones were creaking, retracting. She smelled fire and ash and Sakura's shampoo. Black unfolded like a blossoming dahlia across her sight.

* * *

"Orochimaru."

"Hai?"

"This was not acceptable."

"Hm?"

"You don't amuse me."

"My deepest apologies, sir."

"You were given orders, _Sannin_. Explicit orders."

"I thought-"

"You _thought_." The voice was bitter cold as sunwinds over a glacier.

"My lord, I can assure you that this is not a problem!"

"You can assure nothing, _mortal_."

The snake Sannin hissed. "There is no way-"

"I WILL NOT allow you to take risks with my successor! And exposing him to Kimimaro again, what sort of idiot do you think I am? You think I don't see through your pathetic plotting? Sarutobi will notice, now that you've gone and intervened, and I _do not_ want to deal with Black Ops around my scion!"

"Ma-master, there was nothing further from my mind, I swear it! I-I could never, would never betray one of yourpower. It is…unthinkable!"

"Disgusting. Groveling on your belly…besides the fact that you have no talent, this is why you are not my heir."

"Yes, my lord. This will not happen again."

"Indeed, Orochimaru, it won't. Cross me again and sixteen years ago will feel like paradise compared to what I'll do to you."

Orochimaru gagged, falling to the ground. He felt like the crushed ashes of a mottled skin, breath stoppered. The killing intent was so massive, tears were squeezed out of his eyes.

His master took a slice of blood-drenched fried tofu off the plate and placed it in his mouth. There was a crunching sound as he ate.

The Sannin sucked in long, shuddering breaths, maintaining his position bowed on the floor. The room reeked of oil and iron.

"Now then, on to more pleasant affairs. Your work with the Yamanaka girl was good, very good. Things went off quite well until you decided to step in."

"Thank you, my lord. And, my reward..."

"Yes. I may as well tell you. It was Kekkei Genkai, wasn't it?"

"Hai, master."

A slow, vulpine purr. "Mmhm...Bloodline Limits are actually a hereditary form of the Curse Seal you extracted from Juugo. They disappear upon death, which is why your dissections have always failed. They are generally located upon the organ they affect: the Sharingan, for example, is a three-marked fluid seal on the retina that also extends deep into the optic nerve, while the Yamanaka Ishin Denshin is a large three-pattern seal upon the cerebral cortex that covers the frontal and occipital lobes. Anyone who possesses a Kekkei Genkai, therefore, is guaranteed a 99 chance of surviving the Curse Seal you've developed. In order for you to extract a Bloodline limit, you must perform a live vivisection combined with a seal transfer. Whoever you hope to implant with the extracted Limit must possess high levels of pain tolerance and natural healing. Obviously, the Yamanaka limit is unique in that it is impossible to transfer without killing both the source and the intended recipient. That is why I had you implant her with the Seal of Heaven…she will be unable to quell her strongest drive, to nurture those in need to affection, and that will draw her to him."

Orochimaru's eyes narrowed in glee. _With this information, I can- _

"I'm counting on you, Orochimaru. Now that you know, the First Augmentation will be need to performed within three months. Kimimaro does not have much time left."

"You flatter me overmuch, Master."

"And I'll flatten you if you don't stop sucking up like a deranged limpet. You will move immediately to fix your blunders."

Orochimaru stood tentatively. "Hai. Once again, I am deeply sorry."

"As if apologizing could fix this situation. I want damage control, now! The geezer's begun to move already, and if he restores his body again even _I _will have to use nearly one-tenth of my power to crush him. That is far more than this body is supposed to exhibit, do you understand?"

"Yes, sir. Do you believe he'll join forces with Jiraiya?"

"He won't take that risk. Sarutobi is a stickler for rules, if nothing else. But ANBU will certainly be given orders…not to interfere with Jiraiya's operations. If I move soon, my influence can still avert anything too overt, but as he is now, my heir will not survive an attack by the ANBU."

"I could deploy my own forces-"

"You will not risk exposing Kimimaro again. Nor will you draw even more attention to my successor by shielding him with anything. Tsunade must be made his patron. There is no love lost between the Censor and you, but she has some connection with him still..." His master paused a moment, sniffing the air, before he continued.

"From now on you will stay hidden and work with Kimimaro. _I _will deal with Sarutobi and…my itinerant sensei. Naruto must survive until after the Apprenticing."

"Hai."

"Now…I do believe that the two Akatsuki spies in the left corridor and the other wall behind me have an unscheduled appointment with me. I will, of course, accommodate them."

There was no time for them to scream. Red flashed on black as his master flicked across the room with unsurpassable speed.

"Hiraishin no Jutsu." Flat yellow lightning in a blade-sharp arc...the first one tried to run.

Blond locks stirred, facing the fleeing spy.

"Hm, what to do with you?" His hand lashed out, gripping the man by the shoulder.

"Ah, I know. Hauringu Rasengan."

When it struck there was a sound like a buzzsaw through wood.

Light like floating blood and banshee-writhe screams. Orochimaru's pale sleeves were torn to tatters by the shriek of the wind. He winced as the skin on his face and forearms was flayed, flying off in ragged, torn strips. Raising a hand to shield his eyes, he began to regenerate.

His master flared his chakra, incinerating the blood.

"Now, the second one…" Light glanced off the spy's glasses as he revealed himself.

Orochimaru's eyes widened. "No, master, stop!"

"What?"

"That one is one of mine…"

"Oh?"

Yakushi Kabuto's face was jerked around to face him. His master smiled. "This one belongs to Sasori, I think."

The captured medic-nin managed a half-smile. "I'm willing to negotiate. I know things that could…_Urraugh!_"

The blonde shinobi had flicked him in the gut with a finger. Muscles and entrails poured outwards, flooding from the enormous hole through his torso.

"Mmhm…perhaps if you survive that, we'll talk."

A trickle of blood leaked down Kabuto's chin as he grinned. "Alright."

Narrowing his eyes and adjusting his blood-splattered glasses, Kabuto managed to close the wound, though his face was dry and blue. He gasped, sucking in breath, hunched over and pale.

"Orochimaru…in the future, do not be so incompetent about your subordinates. We will question him later."

"Hai."

"I believe there was one more." The black-shrouded figure strode away from Kabuto, down the corridor. "A master of silent techniques…too bad he reeks like a dog."

Fingers rose, clenching into a fist.

"Honekoppamijin."

The final spy fell, an anguished cry leaking from his throat. Orochimaru stared down at Kabuto as his master advanced on the fallen agent.

"I do believe I'll let you live. Really, you haven't learned anything important." A tanned hand reached down, gripping the spy by the shin.

"Rasengan." Compressed thunder rocked the room as the man's leg was blown off to the thigh. Raw blood spewed in a flood before the spy grunted, knitting the wound closed with his chakra. His eyes lolled about to the back of his head - he was nearly overcome with pain.

His master chuckled as he lifted the demolished man upwards by the scruff of his neck.

"You can manage without that, can't you?" He slapped the spy cheerfully on the back, injecting just enough chakra to keep the man conscious. "Now, off you go, to report to your superiors…do hold out at least a few hours from the torture. You didn't know? You haven't failed before? They don't like people who don't get results. Anyway, this is a good opportunity for you! It's a very novel experience. Builds character."

He released the man. "Oh, give Konan and Nagato my greetings, would you? I'm sure they're quite eager to hear from me."

Laughing slightly, he turned around. "I've been having far too much fun lately, Orochimaru. Don't spoil my mood again with your idiocy. You are dismissed."

Orochimaru bowed low, low, low.

"Hai, Minato-sama."

* * *

"So…there's nothing you can do?" Naruto's voice was exhausted.

Ino shook her head wearily. "That's the best I can offer. He'll be able to move again, but only at the level of an infant. Lee will need to re-learn how to walk before he can even think about throwing a punch."

Sakura touched her on the shoulder. "I'm sure you've done all you can, Yamanaka-san. Please get some rest. We're going to see Tsunade-sama in the morning."

"Yeah." Ino stood, walking into the hallway. The Uchiha complex was beautiful at night, flowing and serene, midnight dew bathed in the soft light of the stars above. She had visited here, many times, before Sasuke had drawn into himself, before blood had flowed across the wood…

Ino yawned hugely, shrugging the borrowed bathrobe around her shoulders, and fell into a deep sleep.

In the room, Sakura and Naruto looked at each other, then at the sleeping forms of Lee and Tenten.

"They're really nice people, once you get to know them…" Sakura hugged herself, hair falling across her face. She wasn't sure she had the stomach of a kunoichi. Medics were supposed to heal wounds, not inflict them.

"Ah." The Demon stood, stretching his limbs. "Kakashi and the bastard will be back tomorrow."

He sighed. "Damn, Sakura, today's been really long! We spoke with Tsunade just yesterday, but it feels like way longer…must be because of all that fighting. I wonder what was going on with Kimimaro? I lived with him for a while, you know. He was the first one to take me to...Ichiraku's..."

Naruto looked down, his eyes, for once, dull, glazed-over.

"Naruto…" She forced a smile, bopping him lightly on the shoulder.

"Come on, let's go to sleep. Everything will be better in the morning." Sakura stood, offering a hand.

"Ah." He didn't sound like he believed her, but his palm slid into hers anyway.

* * *

**Reference Notes: **

**Hauringu Rasengan**(Howling Rasengan) SS-rank, fire and wind elementNo known material can survive contact with the grinding edge. Power unknown; emits a horrendous shrieking that can drive normal people insane.

**Honekoppamijin**: (Bonebreak) S-rank, shatters as many bones as the user wishes in the target's body.

**Kekkei Genkai: **

The Hyuuga Limit seal is the **Eagle **seal, an X-shaped mark on the forehead. This seal only becomes visible when it is combined with the **Cage **cursed seal, applied to Branch family members. The seal coloration is a light green.

The Kaguya Limit seal is an eight-part seal placed on the right shinbone. It extends all the way to the marrow and synthesizes the bones and skin needed for activation of the Shinkotsumyaku by consuming copious amounts of the user's chakra. The greater, sharper, and denser the bone formation, the more chakra needed.

* * *

Review for Naruto! Poor guy, he's all depressed. 


	13. Omake 3: Naruto Wars

A/N: Oh yes, I've definitely gone completely insane. But in a good way. You guys wanted sci-fi? You got sci-fi.

This, er, isn't proofread. I'll do that later.

* * *

"Naruto! Get that landspeeder fixed up! And activate the droids!" 

Uzumaki Naruto groaned as he slaved away under the brutal Tatooine sun. "Yes, Uncle Iruka, I'm on it! Jeez, what a guy has to do to get some ramen around here!"

He stumbled blearily into the dank cave which housed their droids, squinting as his eyes adjusted.

"Okay, let's see…meh, I'm too lazy to fix the speeder today. Why don't I just fire up the droids and have them do it?" Naruto crossed his arms and nodded.

"Yes, that's the way! I wanna see how these new droids perform anyway. If Uncle Iruka walks in, I can say I was 'testing' them."

Walking over to their newly purchased droids, he punched their activation buttons and stood back expectantly.

The first was tall, black, and slender, with pale chrome coating and eyes like sunglasses. It choked as it activated, logic circuits whirring as power flickered across its frame.

"Oh…oh my! Er, E-3BO, Human machine relations, online! What do you require, master?" E-3BO's head jerked from side to side, scanning the area. It squeaked as it moved.

Naruto cocked an eyebrow. _Did we really get our money's worth? _

The other one took a bit longer to activate, and it shrieked to life with a chorus of buzzes, whines, and whistles that eventually formed a caricature of a voice. "Eh? What's going on? Hoy, Ebisu, what are we doing here?"

Naruto grunted. _Annoying. _It was short, stout, and mildly green, with thin extending arms and the posture of a small child.

'Ebisu' spoke up, turning to his companion. "Now, now, KO-2-NO-2, this is not the time to be uppity! Our new master awaits!"

"Psh! New master? Give me a break! I'm the freaking Princess's escort, I don't work for anyone. Konohamaru is a free droid!" The runty droid crossed its arms, nodding in a manner reminiscent of his new not-master.

"Eh? This must be some sort of joke!" Naruto stood, placing his hands on his hips. "What do you think you're doing? I activate you to fix a landspeeder and now you claim to be some sort of royal guard? As if! We purchased you from the Javas and fixed your crappy bodies, so get working!"

E-3BO, stuttering, quickly turned to the landspeeder. "Oh, I don't know how I am with this, KO-2 is the one who usually does repairs…"

"Hey! Don't diss Konohamaru! I don't know who you think you are, stupid man, but if you fixed us how come this giant datapod is still stuck in me? It hurts, ya know!"

"Stupid man?! Why, I oughta…" Naruto advanced on the shrimp, hands outstretched. _Wait. Giant datapod? That might be worth some money…_

Grinning, he pounced on his new purchase and attempted to rip the datapod out. Konohamaru, however, had other ideas, and quickly punched Naruto in the gut. Grunting, the blond fell back.

"A rebellious droid, eh? Well, I'll teach you…"

_Click. _Konohamaru had pushed the activation button of the datapod, which Naruto's wrestling had loosened.

The figure displayed was twelve inches high, prismatic in the dark of the cave, and fuzzy with ripples. Static blurred at the edges of its frame.

Naruto's eyes widened.

"Whoa, who is she? She's pretty."

'She' was dressed in layered white robes, revealing only her neck and pale hands. Pink hair flowed down her back, and her eyes were sharp green.

"Help me, Obi-wan Shinobi. You're my only hope."

Naruto jumped back. "She talks, too?"

Konohamaru glared at the offending datapod, smacking it with his fist. "Eh, what is this? I don't remember Sakura-hime giving me anything…"

The image hummed and repeated.

"Help me, Obi-wan Shinobi. You're my only hope."

The blond glared at the projection, then leaned against the wall of the cave. "Is that all she can say?"

"Heck no!" Konohamaru pumped a fist in the air. "I wouldn't guard someone _that _useless. But the rest of the message is private. Belongs to Obi-wan Shinobi."

Naruto scratched his chin. "Nope. Don't know an Obi-wan Shinobi."

Ebisu shrugged. "Well, it's just old data anyway. Let's erase it and get to the land speeder, shall we, KO-2?"

"Wait!" The young Uzumaki propelled himself off the wall, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "I do know a Bob Shinobi. Maybe they're related?"

"Bob…Shinobi?" The shorter of the droids looked at him as if he were crazy. "You're kidding, right? That's the most retarded name I'm ever heard."

Shrugging, Naruto bent his knees, coming eye level with his droid. "Just between you and me, he's an old geezer who runs around wearing a cloak in the desert. There's no way he could be anyone's last hope, let alone this princess."

He winked. "But it's worth a shot, right?

Ebisu poked his companion. "You know, master, there's probably a shortcut for this. KO-2 has a restraining bolt in his body. If you just removed the bolt, you would be able to hear the whole message."

"Really?" Naruto's eyes sparkled. "Okay, I'm on it!"

He put his foot on Konohamaru's head for support (eliciting a yelp of annoyance from the small droid) and slowly pried the bolt out of its socket. It fell to the stone with a tiny clink.

The transmission suddenly cut. Naruto blanched. "Hey, where'd the message go?"

Konohamaru scratched his head unconvincingly. "Eh, message? What…message?"

* * *

Before them, the dunes spreading, percolating brown and red. The shear of their jury-rigged landspeeder moaned as it buzzed over the sea of dunes. 

E-3BO was beside himself with worry. "Oh my, oh my. I knew that KO-2 unit was trouble. Now he's gone and run off and –ooh!"

Naruto grunted as he pushed his remaining droid back into the landspeeder. "Ugh, where could that piece of scrap be?"

The sand stung his eyes and he hunched down, lower, beneath the broken windguard of the speeder.

"Looks like your friend hit the accelerator, E-3BO. He's dead ahead."

"Oh, is he- ooh!" E-3BO collapsed into a heap of scraggled metal as the Tuskan raider bolt struck him dead in the head.

"Er…what?" Naruto stared around, confused, before halting the speeder. "What's wrong, E-3BO?"

He failed to notice the bandaged Sand person stalking up behind him. "Ehehehe, he is no match for Momoichi Zabuza, Demon of the Sands!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Naruto and Zabuza turned, startled by the hideous croaking.

"What the crap was that?" Zabuza exclaimed, hefting his massive cleaver.

Naruto's face snapped around. His eyes widened as he took in the incredibly ugly Sand Person.

"What the crap is that?" Naruto's jaw dropped as he pointed towards Zabuza.

Zabuza's eyebrowless forehead twitched. "You little…"

But they were both cut off by muffled coughing and an aggravating high-pitched voice.

"Hey, geezer, are you _sure _you're the one Sakura-hime was looking for? Because man, are you old! And what was that? Do you have like, indigestion or something?"

Obi-wan Shinobi had the good graces to look embarrassed as he coughed into his sleeve. "To be honest," the weathered Sarutobi said, "that was supposed to scare you off." He motioned vaguely in Zabuza's direction.

The Demon of the Hidden Sand scoffed. "Please. Me, scared by that? Who do you think you are, _old man_?"

Sarutobi had another violent coughing fit, hacking out a glob of spittle before turning to the Sandperson who had insulted him.

"So you're really not scared?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure?"

"Yup."

"You should be."

And with that, Obi-wan Shinobi raised his hand, cupping it as if he were choking someone – which, in fact, he was.

"Urrrgh…" Zabuza turned blue in the face as the air was forcibly (aha, get it? Forcibly?) ejected from his lungs. He slowly began to levitate, gagging, hands clutched around his throat.

"I find your lack of faith…disturbing."

Konohamaru oildropped. _Ehehehe…maybe I shouldn't make fun of him so much…_

After Zabuza had been released and scampered back to whatever off-screen plateau he had crawled from, Sarutobi turned towards Naruto.

"Ah, boy, it looks like you've picked up something very interesting…"

Naruto perked up, the incident with Zabuza completely forgotten. "Really? So you know this Obi-wan Shinobi guy?"

Sarutobi cocked an eyebrow. _Man, he is stupid. Is he really Minato's son? _

"Er…yes, Obi-wan Shinobi. Obi-wan? Now that's a nameI haven't heard in a long, long time…"

"So, Bob, do you know how we can contact him? Uncle Iruka always said he was dead."

_Eh? Iruka claimed I was dead? Damn whippersnappers…Urgh, How many hints do I have to drop? There's no use being subtle with this guy. _

'Bob' Shinobi chuckled magnanimously.

"Oh, he's not dead, at least not yet." Sarutobi produced a pipe and began sucking on it.

"You know him!" Naruto pointed at Sarutobi's nose as if he had made a great discovery.

"Well, of course I know him. He's me! I haven't gone by the name Obi-wan since oh, before you were born-"

"Wait. Wait wait wait." Naruto was clutching his head uncomfortably.

"YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT BOB SHINOBI?!? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW COULD YOU HAVE LIED TO ME ALL THIS TIME???"

"Er…" _I'm supposed to train him in the Force. Oh boy. _

* * *

_Five Hours Later _

Naruto huffed. "No, my father didn't fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a spice freighter." _Jeez, this guy sure likes lying. _

Sarutobi resisted the urge to face-fault. "That's what your uncle told you. Actually, your father was a ruthless and awesome killing machine who none could stand against without perishing horribly."

The blond's eyes widened. "Really? That is so…COOL! So, you guys fought in the Clone Wars?"

_He's total Dark Side material. _

"Yes, I was a Jedi Knight, just like your father."

Naruto sighs. "I wish I knew who he was."

"He was the best star-pilot in this galaxy, and an absolutely unstoppable force of nature in combat. Anyone who opposed him was scythed down with extreme prejudice, often in a disgusting shower of gore and entrails. Ah, good times…" Sarutobi puffed amiably on his pipe. _Gotta remember to stop smoking one of these days… _

Naruto scowled. _So he's in the conspiracy too! _

For the longest time, Naruto had been trying to find out who his parents were, because Uncle Iruka and Aunt Anko wouldn't tell him. Sure, they'd tell him what his parents were _like_, but never who they _were_. What if they were famous, or had tragic pasts? Didn't he have a right to know? Was he a crack baby or a bastard or something? How come everyone else had anglicized names while his was entirely Japanese? Naruto huffed. _Alright, I'll try one more time. They couldn't have gotten Bob, could they? _

He coughed and cleared his throat. "Say, Bob, who was my father, anyway?"

"Oh, that reminds me!" Obi-wan Shinobi stood and began rummaging in a nearby chest.

_It's…it's far more widespread than I thought! _Naruto's eyes narrowed. _I'll have to watch my back when I'm around liars like him. _

Bob stood up and presented Naruto with a long, metallic stick.

"Er…what is this?"

"Your father's lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic…Before the dark times. Before the Empire." Sarutobi sighed, remembering old times.

Naruto squinted at it. "How does it work? Do you hit people with the blunt end, or the other blunt end?"

* * *

"Oh my God! Uncle Iruka! Aunt Anko! Uncle Iruka!" Naruto pretended to cry. _Serves them right, the deceitful traitors! I will find out who my parents were if it's the last thing I do! _

Iruka groaned. "I…I can't move, Naruto. There's a…giant shuriken in my spine."

Naruto gasped. Tears began welling up in his eyes. "Now…now who will treat me to free ramen? This is the worst day of my life!"

Sarutobi clasped a hand on Naruto's shoulder. _Heh, take that, you crappy whippersnapper. That's what happens when you call Obi-wan Shinobi old. The Empire finally did some good for once. _

"Naruto, we must avenge your uncle's death."

"Hai, sensei!"

"I will train you in the ways of the Force. Then you will be able to pick up chicks using your Force mind tricks and choke people when they defy you." Lost in remembrances again, Sarutobi tuned out the outside world. _Ah, Force mind tricks to pick up girls…always did the trick. _

"Hai, sensei!"

Iruka collapsed, coughing out blood. "You guys…you know…you can still save me if you rush now…to a hospital or something…and get this giant shuriken removed from my spine…"

Naruto rubbed his chin. "Why would Imperial Stormtroopers be using giant shurikens, anyway? Master, do you know?"

Sarutobi shrugged, only half-hearing Naruto's question. "Let's go, my apprentice, and save the Princess. I'm sure that our force, consisting of an old man, a boy, and two droids will definitely be able to extract her from the clutches of the innumerable Empire. After all, I'm _me_."

"Hai, sensei!"

"Um…guys?" Iruka twitched spasmodically on the sand. "Guys?"

TO BE CONTINUED

* * *

No, I'm not giving up on my other omake series. Like I said, I'll be running multiple series at a time, switching them off when I get tired of one. I've got a lot thought up for this series, so expect much more next time! I'll probably alternate between series or just write them in whatever order I feel like. 

Cast:

**Uzumaki Naruto **as Luke Skywalker

**Sandaime Hokage/Bob/Obi-wan Shinobi/Sarutobi **as Obi-wan Kenobi

**Ebisu **as C-3PO

**Konohamaru **as R2-D2

**Haruno Sakura **as Princess Leia

**Hatake Kakashi **as Han Solo

**Inuzuka Kiba **as Chewbacca

**Uchiha Sasuke **as An Ewok

**All of ANBU **as Imperial Stormtroopers

**Kage Bunshin no Jutsu **as Rebel Armies

**Gamabunta **as AT-AT

**Gatou **as Jabba the Hutt

**Hyuuga Neji **as George Lucas

**Jiraiya **as Yoda

as **DARTH VADER**

As for the rest of the cast…well, give me your suggestions. I need a good one for Boba Fett and other Bounty Hunters. Thanks to Thunderreaper for coming up with "Obi-wan Shinobi," the pun-of-awesomeness!

ARRGH! Review, okay? I'll give you cookies if you do! (Not that my cookies taste very good or anything… )


	14. The Lance In the Night

Yay! I'm back, guys. Sorry for the really, really long wait for this chapter (yeah, I know, a whole week). I really don't have any excuses; I was just busy/lazy. Way more of the latter. Meh, I really need to motivate myself...anyway, there's even less fighting this chapter than last, I think. But don't worry. The killing will be back next chapter.

* * *

_Birth and Death is a grave event;_

_How transient is life! _

_Every minute is to be grasped. _

_ Time waits for nobody._

-Inscription on a Zen Gong 

* * *

Minato laughed. "He actually went through with it?"

"It would appear so, my master."

The Hand of Konoha leaned back in his chair; stretching with the lazy indolence of a mountain lion. Outside: sunlight, the wind. His nose picked up lilacs and rice.

He sneezed. _Damnit. Where is the tofu? _

His subordinate glared at him with a tinge of sullen defiance. Minato managed not to snort.

"Sarutobi's going to be in for a surprise. With his maturity entirely gone, he'll act impulsively, on snap judgments…this is good for us. Does he really think he's done himself a favor?"

"He probably has, master. Now, will that be all?"

"Mmhm…I command you to go get me some tofu. And maybe some ramen."

"…"

"You're no fun at all, Uchiha-kun. Learn to lighten up a little! Today is a good day." The blond shinobi toyed errantly with his paperwork, then cleared his throat.

"In any case, activate the reserve orders I placed for Contingency 33. Also, contact Hanzou's office about Sarutobi's little 'stunt' – perhaps he'll kill the whippersnapper for me."

"Yes, master."

"Is there anything else I should know about my dear friends in Rain Country?"

"Nothing new, master. Kakuzu has, however, expressed interest in your offer."

"Oh, really? Good work, Uchiha-kun, you're dismissed. You will find the scroll on the 374th level, Sector 6 postbox, marked 'Brazen.'"

"Yes, master."

Crimson clouds fluttered as his servant departed. Uchiha Itachi glanced back, once, with his six-tomoe eye, then strode down the hallway, a raven flurry.

---

This had been a long time coming.

Above, the glass cut and sharpened the sunlight, spraying shards of gold across the room. Blue and birdsong twinkled down, past the stone-white walls – were his footsteps too loud? His feet snapped assertive, quick, and commanding across the tiered marble, and as he inhaled he smiled.

What would they call him now? The 'Old man' was no longer old…As he grinned he rubbed the smoothness of his face, felt the thickness of his ebon-black hair. It was a great day to be alive.

Down and out of the flashing corridor, into the street, stepping lightly through the flow of men. He tightened his gloves and sped up, limbs smooth and responsive.

_Damn._

Damn but he felt good. He knew he should have been guilty, at least a little bit, for performing that jutsu, but what choice did he have? The Demon was out of control, and Orochimaru could have killed the old him, could have stopped ANBU from fulfilling its purpose…well, no more of that! He was young and strong, twenty years if a day, and more than a match for old Hanzou now. Perhaps he should seize the throne from that geezer himself…no, it wasn't worth the trouble.

This time around, he intended to _live_ and not just kill. Hadn't Jiraiya mentioned something about a whoring party on Saturday…? He would make sure to attend – needed to find a mate and all, test out the rejuvenated equipment. It would make a fine victory party for his triumph over the Demon.

For a moment, his shadow-black eyes darkened.

_Kyuubi no Kitsune…this time, I will stop you. _

He was distracted from his musings by a delicious purple-haired girl walking on the opposite side of the street. Sarutobi took a few moments to admire the view - capturing the image with his restored photographic memory - before chuckling at his equally restored perversion and making a left turn.

Ricksaws rattled past him, and he smelled sweat and sandalwood over the soft, cool sweetness of this highest level. Above, the sky yawned, blue, blue, and his eyes sparkled a moment with unshed tears. Kami, he was too happy to be _alive_. He picked up his pace, sending fresh waves of chakra to his feet, and noted with joy that his right femur had stopped aching.

What a day. Were they all like this, and age had simply made his blind? He didn't know – didn't really care, now. There were monsters to slay and drinks to down and tails to chase! And he honestly didn't have time for dry, sandpaper philosophy, the domain of wrinkled old widowers too frail to move. No, he would act, would seize life by the reins, and this time things were going to go his way.

Just for joy he released a burst of chakra to his hand, felt the spring blue surge coiling in his muscles, seductive with power. Now, in his prime, he had more than enough power to take on any of his former students: perhaps even enough to take out two! Though, Tsunade had always been fairly civil and Jiraiya was a good smuggler. Orochimaru was…somewhat necessary, since there wasn't anyone close to his power to replace him, but if the Snake ticked Sarutobi off…well, they would see which was the true master of justu technique.

_Hm…_

If he wanted to right now he could shatter a building with a punch, jump five hundred feet into the sky, and be gone from this wretched city in two heartbeats – but no, there were still things here for him. As the Censor he had control over ANBU, the most elite outfit this side of creation: one thousand hunter-nin each capable of taking out an Elite Jounin without breaking a sweat. And, after all, the girls did cluster around population centers…yes, he would spend a few years yet. He did have a whole lifetime to look forward to.

A jump: wind raking his hair, fluttering his cheeks, and though his broad smile he inhaled deeply. Oh, the sheer power he had! Had he really been this strong before? No, of course not. He was stronger now than he had ever been, seventy years battle experience and twelve thousand three hundred seventy-two jutsu in a twenty-year-old's body. Barely above a teen!

He landed, light-footed, and gave him arms a good long stretch. ANBU headquarters stood before him, fronted by a high-class teahouse. Oblivious nobles dined for the ambiance – black wood, Kabuki masks, _shinkan_ hanging off the walls – and helped supplement ANBU wages with their outrageous tips. Operatives received training as waiters, chefs, and courtesans to the highest of the high.

Two powerful steps in, a nod at the gasping receptionist, and he strode with efficient vigor into the kitchens, silent as a leaf on the wind.

A smile at the chefs, quick stride across the linoleum, and a sharp right turn, down now into the bowels of the organization, chakra-silenced and visible only to the sharpest of eyes (finding ANBU headquarters was the last test of perception for trainees).

A mischievous grin and he kicked in the door, tearing the energy-laced steel off its hinges as he flowed downwards, relentless as a stream. For a moment, everything stopped.

People turned, jaws dropping, a few openly pointing at him. He took six more steps, halted, and turned, flaring his chakra.

"There is, I presume, a reason you're gaping at me?"

Jaws closed, hands fell, ANBU composure was restored. In a fraction of a second they had snapped to attention, returning to their duties and trying to pretend that nothing had happened. He laughed, a gruff, hearty sound, and wished for a smoke.

Now a few final steps and he was in his office, assistants awaiting him.

"Sir, it's good to see you back."

He cracked his neck and grabbed his pipe, fingers running down its smooth-worn surface. _Sorry you're still old, friend. _

"It's good to _be _back, in more ways than one."

He took a long, slow drag, sucking the chakra-laced drug into his lungs. Raising an impertinent eyebrow, he exhaled. Dragon-streamers of smoke twisted languidly in the hollow light.

"Now…what say we assemble a strike team and go hunting?"

"Sir, yes sir!"

---

"Naruto!" Sakura's voice rang loud across the rooms. He twitched involuntarily, jerked out of his reverie.

On the balcony, his arms were laid carelessly against the wooden railing, eyes to the west. Sundown was fire and molten tangerine, streaks of river red and mournful cloud painting the sky. For most of his life he'd only seen the last throes of light the sun threw as it died: in the Pit, concrete made half the heavens.

He had decided that this was the best B-rank mission he had ever been assigned to, though it was a little boring. There was no killing, no sneaking, no steal-

"NARUTO!"

He craned his head backwards. "Yeah?"

"Help us carry the groceries!"

Naruto got off the balcony and drifted inside, a paw on the sliding glass door. Inside was quiet, the traffic noises of bamboo wheels and fabric soles blocked away.

Kusanagi Mikoto stumbled into her apartment, tucking a stray blue strand of hair behind her ear as she balanced a bag of vegetables on one arm. He strode forward and took it, placing it on the counter. She righted herself, beaming.

"Thank you, Naruto-kun. Sakura-chan is going to get the rest of the bags. Do you mind helping her?"

He smiled. "Not at all, Kusanagi-san!"

A blur of yellow streaked into the hall, ruffling Mikoto's dress. She giggled slightly and began arranging the items she'd bought, preparing for dinner.

Naruto met Sakura halfway down the stairs. She was blotted out by a profusion of paper bags clutched to her front, and he scooped three off with one arm, grinning.

"This is a lot of stuff! What'd you buy?"

Sakura, left with two bags, shuffled them around before scowling at him. "Mikoto-san is way too nice for her own good. She finally decided to fulfill your request for ramen, so we bought thirty of those stupid cup ramen things – everything in the shop!"

"Whoa, really? That's awesome!" She glared at him a second before tromping up the stairs. He followed, a spring in his step.

"Neh, Sakura, when are Sasuke and Kakashi-sensei getting out?"

"Well, let's see…it's been a week since we got Yamanaka-san. Oh, right! Sasuke-kun will be out of the hospital tomorrow, though the nurses say Kakashi-sensei won't be out for another month."

"Pssh. Slow healers." Naruto nudged past Sakura, disrupting her reply, and burst into the apartment. "Okay! No need to make dinner, Kusanagi-san! We'll all have ramen!"

Mikoto chuckled as she chopped another cucumber in half. "But Naruto, doesn't that mean there will be less for you?"

He stopped mid-step. "Hm…you're right. But that doesn't matter. Ramen should be shared!"

Sakura put her bags down and sighed. "Naruto, that stuff can't be good for you. All that sodium, and pure complex carbs…I'm not sure how you even survive if that's all you eat."

"Now, now, Sakura, you know better than to insult Naruto-kun's ramen." Mikoto smiled.

"Anyway, since it's the first Friday you two have been with me, we should celebrate with a special dinner. That means you have to eat something besides fish and salad, Sakura."

"Yeah! Like…ramen!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. Why wasn't Mikoto on _her_ side? They were both women, right?

As their civilian charge prepared dinner, Naruto lounged on the sofa like a listless lion while Sakura went into her room to study - her Medi-nin exam was in a few months. The warm aroma of soup and stir-fry laced the air as the sun went down. The apartment lights clicked on, soft chakra-lit yellow. Naruto stared at the chakra strip and wondered how many he had powered in his time.

His hostess' quarters were fairly average in this city; they were three hundred thirty-two feet up. Cheerful paintings adorned her lightly colored walls and good quality furniture was placed tastefully around the seven-room complex. Next to the balcony was the den, which housed a shougi board and other boring things, such as the _koto _and _sangen _against the wall. Sometimes, though, Mikoto-san would play the _koto_, and he would purr as he curled up and let the notes ripple through him, nudging him to sleep.

She had tatami mats, comfortable futons, and a nice steel-applianced kitchen directly connected to the door. Luckily for them, she also had two bathrooms (why did girls take so _long _during the morning?).

He rose, stomach clenching. His nose knew that she was done, all that was left was for her to-

"Naruto! Sakura! It's ready!"

They sat down to eat and prayed with Mikoto before digging in. Naruto had managed to control himself, reserving a mere ten bowls of ramen for this meal (after all, he had to leave some room for the soup and oysters) while Sakura ate with guilty politeness (why wasn't there a medical ninjutsu to just remove fat?).

The woman they protected was pale, with gentle brown eyes and soft blue hair that reached down to her waist. After hearing about Naruto's parents, she doted on him like a mother, and generally wore light pastels under her ever-present apron. Sakura thought she was fairly pretty, but harmless. What could she have done or known that would merit the protection of their team?

Tsunade had not been compromising when she'd given them the mission. Naruto had complained loudly, demanding something with more excitement, until the Sannin informed them that Mikoto's last guards had been messily slaughtered by an ANBU agent. Kusanagi was apparently extremely important to some project Tsunade and Orochimaru were working on, but Sarutobi didn't like it a bit.

At the mention of ANBU Naruto had gladly (and vocally) accepted the mission: he wasn't going to pass up a chance to go toe-to-toe with the most elite organization in Konoha. Sakura had been a bit uncomfortable, especially since half their team was still laid up, but glad she had some time to study for her doctorate exam. Still, she needed to come up with a thesis paper, and was wracking her brain dry for ideas…almost everything except the really gruesome stuff had been done, and she didn't know if she had the stomach for human vivisection or organ re-arrangement.

She watched in captivated horror as Naruto emptied half a salt shaker into his eight bowl of ramen before pronouncing it 'worthy.' _That level of sodium really should kill him…_

_That's it! _Her eyes widened. Why hadn't she thought of something so obvious before? She could do some sort of examination of Naruto's regeneration power. Genetic isolation, cellular observation – it would definitely be theoretically rigorous enough to pass the Board, and the practical applications were huge! If Naruto's level of regeneration could be duplicated, Konoha would never lose another man…and the Cauls would require much fewer people to power. She could earn enough prestige to even elevate her family to noble status without continuing as a kunoichi.

"Is there something on my face?" Naruto stared quizzically at her.

"Er, no, sorry!" Sakura looked flustered in the calm yellow light. "I was just thinking about my medical work."

"Ah, okay." The Demon shrugged and continued to inhale ramen. Mikoto cast her an amused glance and smiled.

Sakura held in a sigh. _Oh, come on, Mikoto-san, it's not like that! _

She got up to wash her dish. _I'll have to ask Naruto for a flesh sample later. I don't think any hair would work…the cellular structure is too different, and I don't think it regenerates – though, apparently he _can _grow it at will. Jeez, if I had that power…anyway, a piece of his arm would probably be best. _

Naruto laughed at something their charge had said, and she rolled her eyes. _Hope they weren't talking about me- what was that? _

Glass erupted inwards, shattering, a cone of slashing fragments. Naruto roared as he overturned the table, deflecting the shards, and grabbed Mikoto, leg muscles pumping as he leapt back ten feet, claws scrabbling against the kitchen tiles as they landed. White lightning ripped through the room, and thunder tore through the fragile walls. Sakura squeezed her eyes hurridly shut, hands on her ears, and still afterimages danced in front of her vision. A thin blue mist began to spread from below...

_Flash-bang and poison gas? These guys are professional! No doubt it's ANBU. _

The civilian sagged, a hand to her mouth. Naruto's large paw had covered her ears and eyes, but the Demon himself had blood leaking from his ears.

"Oh no, not again…You two, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Miko-"

Naruto stood, fangs bodkin bright. "Not as sorry as they're going to be." A low, loud growl rumbled through the room as he exploded towards their foes. Ceramics shattered in his footsteps and his fingers grew cruel, glinting claws. With a maddened twitching of lips he cut through the table, palm shattering the floor as his other hand thrust forward, sparrow-fast at his opponent's gut. His adversary, however, was gone, twirling through a backflip, and another figure burst from the side, blade drawn and aimed for Naruto's neck.

Sakura hurriedly untied her bandages, biting her lip until it bled – she had seen the dark blue skinsuits, the pale, eyeless masks…

The cold wind of night rushed into the apartment, and she gripped her wrappings hard as the chill hit her like a hammer. Naruto had gotten his wish.

* * *

**ANBU: **

The average ANBU member is slightly stronger than Kakashi or Maito Gai. Captains are just barely below the Sannin. Sarutobi commands 12 captains. The masks they wear make them immune to sense-affecting attacks and inhaled poisons. They carry 60,000 _shitan _chokken and mandate an S-ranked jutsu or grand mastery of at least two taijutsu styles before entry is granted. Only a thousand members exist among the 750 million people of Fire Country.

Young Sarutobi: One of the deadliest men alive, if his judgment weren't so poor. The jutsu he used makes him extremely arrogant and immature - he wasn't aware of this. Though physically he's a match for Hanzo, his arrogance would lead to defeat.

* * *

Please Review! I, erm, promise I'll update faster if you do.

Omakes: I think I'll write one every two or three chapters now. Mix things up a little.


End file.
